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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

i dont want dd to grow up like me

24 replies

starshaker · 03/06/2010 13:50

Today dd had her parents meeting at nursery. They pointed out that she is very sensitive and very easily crushed, doesnt have much confidence and is very easy going. I was like this (still am i supose) and i got bullied constantly at school, people think they can take the piss out me and use me when it suits them, want me around but only if it benefits them in some way and generally just walk over me. I really hate the thought that this might be what happens to dd. I know shes only 5 but i just worry about her. Is there anything i can do to try and help her become more confident

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Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 13:59

I know its pathetic and i am gonna play the hormone card but since the appointment i cant stop crying. I hate the though she might go through even half of what i did.

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Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 14:14

Anybody with any advice???

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SuperAmoo · 03/06/2010 14:16

Hmmm I'm not sure I'm going to much good giving advice because I am in the same boat. Bullied relentlessly at school, physically and mentally. The only thing I take solace in is that I've sorted myself out with years of counselling and have come to terms with it all. I know myself inside out and know what went wrong and how I could have changed it. So if I see DD1 experiencing similar things to me at any time, I can talk to her and help her react differently. Whereas my mum and dad were USELESS and didn't help at all. Didn't even notice there was a problem. It helps me to remember also that DD1 is NOT me - she is a combo of me and DP, therefore, she might have character traits that I don't have that will help her. I think the most important thing is not to make her paranoid or nervous about herself by analysing her behaviour just keep encouraging her to talk and be there to listen. Easier said than done!

Wordsonascreen · 03/06/2010 14:17

I'm trying to think of something helpful to say !

I was painfully shy as a child (but never bullied)

I did have an older sister who everyone was scared of though.

I'm pretty bolshy now though.. you can grow out of it.

Sorry thats crap but its the best I can do !

RunningOutOfIdeas · 03/06/2010 14:19

I think the fact that you recognise what could happen will help you to notice if her friends do take advantage of her. When she goes to school it will be important that she knows she can talk to you about bullying.

How about getting her to do some activities that might boost her confidence? Such as brownies, dancing or judo.

Wordsonascreen · 03/06/2010 14:21

Schools seem to be (I have a 6 and 8 yr old) much hotter on bullying nowadays.

Nursery I take it didn't say she was being bullied.

It doesn't have to be a rerun (and superanoo I'd never thought about the combo aspect.. V good)

I also joined the girls brigade and did karate.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 14:24

She is a very creative little girl and the nursery are very impressed with her drawing and arty stuff. They also said she is very logical but most of the activities ie drawing, painting, doing jigsaws and other puzzles are all things that she tends to do on her own. Im going to look into groups and things she can do what will mean she is more involved with other children. At the moment she goes to swimming and is getting on really really well but i need to find other things for her to do

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englishpatient · 03/06/2010 15:16

I don't have personal experience of this but I have heard that drama is a good way to help sensitive, shy children to get more self-confidence. Could she join a group like Stagecoach or a local junior theatre group (if you think she would enjoy this)?

Chandra · 03/06/2010 15:18

There is a book called "the unwritten rules of friendship" that has a full chapter devoted to over sensitive children.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 19:37

She is just an amazing little girl who loves everybody and tries to make everybody happy. I just would love her to be confident with other people.

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cory · 03/06/2010 19:43

Agree with poster who said schools are hotter on bullying these days. Also, just because your dd is like you doesn't mean she is going to have your life. Ds was a very sensitive and gentle little boy, but has never been bullied; his schoolmates are lovely and supportive.

I now regret the time I spent worrying that he would have my life- particularly as he has other problems of his own that I never had and that I could not possibly foresee- so I've done double worrying and at least half of it was needless.

MagalyZz · 03/06/2010 19:44

Well I don't know what age you are, but it's never too late to say to yourself 'no, people can not use me'. You say to us "people use me" as though that were a given, carved in stone.

I really doubt that people only want you around when it suits them or because it suits them. Because honestly, even being really cynical about it, that would be a really tedious way of selecting friends. I reckon there is some thing nice about you that people do like.

I reckon you don't push yourself forward enough. I think you think that because people don't think of you, they don't like you!! and you imagine the reasons they don't like you and you really run with that thought! but maybe they don't think of you because you didn't push yourself forward and speak up...?????

Nothing is carved in stone. YOur daughter hasn't definitely inherited your exact personality. It isn't all hopeless.

I refuse to believe that we inherit our personalities from our parents. It has to be more complicated than that. I am not very ambitious and I guess people who know me would describe me as an underachiever, and they might wonder why I have achieved so little as I seem bright enough and capable enough. My children's father abused me and undermined me for nearly a decade. I don't think my children will be underachieving abusers though!! I like to think that they will be themselves. They'll have a few flaws but they'll be human and basically they'll be likeable and good people.

Try not to worry about your daughter 'being like you'. That is really sad!! She could be worse things than being like YOU I bet!!!

BertieBotts · 03/06/2010 19:46

Oh yes, a drama group is a fantastic idea. It really helped me gain confidence when I was a teenager (didn't join until age 11).

What about going on an assertiveness training course for yourself? Then maybe you can pass things on to her, e.g. how to make her own views known and strike that balance between being a pushover and coming across rude?

MunchMummy · 03/06/2010 19:48

I worry about the same thing with my DD1. I see her giving in too easily to other people. For example at playgroup she'd just got onto the scooter when another girl comes over and askes if she can have a go. She just hands it straight over, even though she's only had it 10 secs herself.

I leave her too it, but have a chat when we're at home saying she doesn't have to hand it straight over, but tell her to tell the girl she can have it when she's finished her go.

I was crippled with shyness when I was younger, still am shy, but have overcome it somewhat since having kids.

I'm determined that my quiet DD1 will be taught how to answer back to people and not be taken for granted by letting her experience the experiences herself and then teaching her afterwards what she could have said to help her next time.

Oh, and she's almost 4.

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 20:06

I supose i just need her to grow up knowing she can talk to me about anything. I do tell her to stand up for herself. She has always been a very easy going child like MM says whenever anybody took a toy from her as a baby or toddler she just found something else to play with instead. I also worry she will feel left out when the twins arrive since im on my own and they will take nearly all if not all my attention. I will try and make sure she feels involved but not sure how easy that is going to be.
I know i need to stop worrying so much and just do my best to help her if anything comes up.

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MagalyZz · 03/06/2010 20:11

That doesn't sound all bad tbh!

I have two children who would fight to the end over the last smartie and I do worry that that is not 'attractive'. People that aren't related to them wouldn't look at them scrapping and think, oh, sweet.

Maybe your dd will fight her corner when something that really matters happens!

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 20:19

i think its just worried me cos the nursery mentioned it. Shes had quite a tough year with me and her dad splitting up and the fact that in a couple of months she will have a baby brother and sister.

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MagalyZz · 03/06/2010 20:21

Oh bless you, it's a tough year. I was there 3 years ago. It gets easier. Wow, you have twins on the way?

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 20:22

yeah due in 9 weeks so im probably being hormonal aswell lol

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tethersend · 03/06/2010 20:26

You need to take a deep breath and remember one thing:

She is not you.

Her life will pan out in a completely different way- the chance of her replicating your life to the letter is zero. She may well have some of your traits, but she will also have some of her father's traits and some of her own thrown in for good measure. Great advice so far wrt developing her confidence, but you need to keep repeating to yourself that she is not you.

She sounds like an absolutely lovely little girl BTW (no reflection on her not being you, of course )

MagalyZz · 03/06/2010 20:35

Wow. Try not to think about things too far down the line. Just concentrate on each day. ANYbody with 3 young children is going to find things a bit challenging!

I bet one day your daughter will be sitting with her friends telling them how her strong capable single mother brought up three children.

My son is 4 and he watched me assemble a coffee table from ikea recently and then he said "mummy, I'm proud of you". I am the most ordinary person in the World and yet somehow I'm pulling the strength out of the bag every morning to be an adequate mum most days and a bit better than that occasionally! It is not easy but I'm surprising myself. YOU will have hard days but you will cope. Break it down in to chunks though. Try not to worry about more than one or two years into the future though! You will drive yourself mad. My eldest is 7 and I am trying not to let myself get all caught up in the secondary school angst yet. I'm just trying to take things in manageable chunks! The next 6 months is usually a timeframe which isn't too scary. Anyway, who really needs to look further ahead than the next six months??

Original poster

starshaker · 03/06/2010 20:50

BTW does anybody know where i can get help for myself?

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tethersend · 04/06/2010 14:05

starshaker, sorry I didn't see your post sooner.

You need to speak to your GP in the first instance- or your midwife. Either can refer you for counselling, but a midwife will be able to speed things along IME. If you are feeling like this now, you are at risk of developing PND once the babies are born, and strategies put in place now can help to avoid this.

Let us know how you get on

SuperAmoo · 05/06/2010 20:13

hmmm.... starshaker - the help I got for myself was kind of all over the place in that I did a little of everything. You need to find a good therapist to talk to about what happened to you first of all, IMO. You may have to pay for that - I took out a loan to pay for mine. It was £20 quid a session I believe but it was WELL worth it. Perhaps all look on Amazon for a book on being assertive or a book on dealing with the past. Can't think of a specific one now. Will give it some thought.

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