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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

11 yr Old - Bad Behaviour and Anger

17 replies

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 09:41

Can anyone please help!!!!!
My 11 year old daughter seems to have turned into someone else that I no longer recognise? Over the last couple of months she has got really angry and aggresive all the time. Myself and her Dad seem to get the most of it, its as if she hates us, or me especially, I am public enemy no.1. She is doing really well at school and they have no problems with her at all. I have tried all the usual, grounding her, taking mobile away and removed her laptop but this only seems to make her worse. I am really at my wits end and seem to spend most of my time crying once she has gone to bed. She has a younger brother and most of the time they get on but she has started to be really nasty to him also. I know there is the usual sibling jealousy but it is getting really serious now, please help......

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/06/2010 09:55

Cripes, sounds tough. You have my sympathies.

Has anything changed recently that may be causing this anger? Or do you think it is hormonal? I remember being furious for most of 14-15.

Is there another trusted adult that you both know that she could talk to? Perhaps she might open up to someone else?

Could you try spending more time 1-1 with her? Take her shopping, go for a walk etc?

Have you made it clear to her that her behaviour is intolerable for you and the rest of your family?

Sorry, not much direct help, just asking a few questions.

Original poster

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 10:25

Thanks for your kind words.

I too remember going through a phase like this but like you I weas also 14-15, definately not 11!!!

Nothing has changed family wise, and I do think some of it could be hormonal, she has the usual signs, greasy hair, some spots etc. I have really tried to spend more time with her, just the two of us doing girly things and when we do this she is absolutely brilliant and loves it, but then the next day all returns to normal.

Several females in the family have tried talking to her but she tells them its me and that her and I just don't have a very good relationship, which really hurts me to the core. I also forgot to mention all the lies that she tells, she lies about everything, even silly little things, but she does this to everyone in the family and it frustrates us all, we do not know when she is telling the truth.

Also lately she has told us that is going to call childline and report both me and her dad, telling them that we abuse her, by hitting her and battering her (which is definately a lie) so that she can go and live in a home as she thinks she would be happier.

It is so frustrating and upsetting and is even starting to cause problems with me and my husband.

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ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/06/2010 11:01

Oh god, I used to work in children's homes, believe me it was horrendous. Honestly I should have a word with her, she'd soon think twice. All the kids there (from homes with the most appalling abuse) still wished they were at home with mum and dad. It was incredibly sad. (Not that the home itself was awful btw, just that being away from mum and dad - even if they were vile - was like a dreadful punishment).

It must be so painful for you to have her say awful things about your relationship with her. And the lying is very difficult.

How about if you and your dh see a family therapist to discuss united strategies?

Original poster

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 11:04

I was thinking that maybe I should arrange an appointment with our Family GP as a first step to discuss the issues with her. What do you think?

OP posts:

ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/06/2010 11:11

Definately, I'm always one for taking advice . Hopefully someone else will be along soon with more experience to discuss it further with you. But I would definately get a consitent approach from you and dh, and a discussion with your gp or another professional may help with that.

Somehow making sure she still feels loved and valued but you not taking any of this Childline/bullying/lying crap from her.

Sorry, i've gotta go and eat my tea, (am in Australia) but will be back later.

Maybe look www.aft.org.uk/

ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/06/2010 12:38

Hi, how are you?

Stricnine · 03/06/2010 12:58

On first reading I would have said - hormonal...?? My DD was quite hard going about 10/11 and then started her periods when 11 (and a half)..
She initially couldn't explain how she felt she was just horrible to be with.. but once there was a 'reason' for her feeling like this it became a lot easier to talk about.. have you tried asking her why she behaves in this way (pick your moment though!!)?

Original poster

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 13:05

Hiya, I have tried to speak to her when it is just her and I and we are having a "good moment" she says she doesn't know why she does it and why she lies all the time, I try and explain to her that's it not nice and people will eventually get fed up with her and not want to be around her, especially her friends and also that their parents will get fed up with her and not want their children to be with her, everytime I think I am getting through to her about 2 days later it all starts again. I admit I do get angry and do shout at her, mostly through sheer frustration.

I have telephoned my GP and can only get an appointment for Monday, I will try speaking to her and see what she thinks?

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UndomesticHousewife · 03/06/2010 13:10

If there isn't anything you can point at as being a possible cause then it probably is hormaonal, my dd's are 9 and 10 and they can be so moody. I've noticed a change as they've gotton older and Ithink it's hormonal, it's awful because there's just no need (imo!)for all teh arguments we have.
At 11 she could be starting her periods soon/going through puberty especially as you'v e noticed things that would indicate that.

As Claudia says let her know you won't stand for the lying/childline stuff but ry and be as patient as possible. If it is hormonal then she may not know herself why she is behaving this way. Think of your PMT, it's like that, you can't help it (well I can't).

But don't let this ruin your relationship, it will even itself out eventually and it getting through this will help the both of you have a strong relationship in the future.

Maybe if you don't react to as much, then it's not fanning the flames for argument, though I know it's difficult. Maybe try and do things together just teh two of you, shopping or lunch, to strengthen the relationship through the argumentative stage adn let her know it won't make a difference to you however she behaves (obv within reason).

Anyway good luck, I have a feeling I will be posting something very similar very soon!!

UndomesticHousewife · 03/06/2010 13:13

Sorry hav ejust seen that you do go out etc with her. If it goes back to how it was don't take it to heart, the next day is another day. But keep up the talking and communication.
If she doesn't know why she feels like this, it probably not easy for her but it will help if she knows that you are there for her.
And if there is something bothering her, well the strengthened relationship may help her talk about it.

Original poster

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 13:31

Thank you ladies, it is so nice to know that I am not alone in going through this. I have only just joined this website and really appreciate your support and kind words.

I will have another go at trying to explain to her how she is making me feel and that I was young once as well (although she finds that hard to believe!!!! It is just so diffult though as they seem to be growing up a lot faster than when we were young, as I said previously I was 14-15, although I did start my period at 12.

I will let you all know how I get on and thank you once again.

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Adair · 03/06/2010 13:38

Keep going with talking and caring about her, and letting her be angry. I was FURIOUS at 11. I used to threaten to ring Childline too - in fact, I did ring once with a lie. I wouldn't 'come down hard' on the childline thing personally. She is trying to express how angry she is and doesn't know how. I didn't know why I was so angry either.

I was actually being abused at the time though not by my parents. Not saying your daughter is, of course, but you might want to be prepared that something IS making her angry rather than just hormones...

Adair · 03/06/2010 13:42

And I have just completed an anger managment course and learnt SO much (and can't believe it's taken me this long).

Google 'anger management', but really, it's about letting her BE angry and say what she needs to say. You are doing a great job by being there for her and listening to what she wants to say (however teenager-y and ranty). Agree don't let her take it out on you or siblings though.

Being a teenager is hard, hard, hard. Looking forward to having my own (as opposed to teaching them - and giving them back at the end of the day ).

Original poster

stressedmcd · 03/06/2010 13:45

Oh my god I am so sorry for you Adair, I hope you got the care and support that you deserved to help you through it.

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Adair · 03/06/2010 14:53

well... eventually (like now). Not at the time. And by the way, you saying that, 'the care and support you deserved' has actually made me a bit teary. Y'see I didn't feel I deserved any support, I suppose cos I didn't get any. I am only now starting to think that maybe I DO deserve some.

Whatever is the cause of your daughter's anger - be it something that's happened at school, or hormones, or because she is finding something hard at the moment. I can guarantee you will deal with it better than my parents did, by the fact that you are posting about it on forums and feel she deserves some care and support. Keep talking and keeping things 'out there' (as opposed to bottling things up, and keeping things secret).

PS it comes out at home BECAUSE she trusts you btw.

deaddei · 03/06/2010 15:02

I hope the doctor can help.
DD now 13 has OCD, and it is under control at the moment- but we have had awful years with her behaviour.
I now actually enjoy spending time with her, but still feel I'm treading on eggshells sometimes.
She has matured a lot in the last 6 months and has an excellent form tutor who she talks to- she was having friendship problems recently, and told her, not me, That's fine- as long as she feels she has someone to talk to.
And yes I've had the "I'm calling Childline"....I suggested that as my friend is a counsellor, she call her direct on her mobile- wouldn't take up another child's valuable call.
It's very hard as they're all getting hormonal- agree with Adair that she feels safe at home and lets it all out. Dd is an ANGEL at school.
Good luck.

mathanxiety · 03/06/2010 19:34

Is she having friend problems in school? From 11 to 14 girls can be excruciatingly mean to each other in school, and instead of admitting feeling powerless or small or vulnerable girls on the receiving end of a nasty little clique can set upon their parents and siblings with fury such as you describe.

Does she have any activities she does outside of school that would give her a challenge, a chance to boost self esteem, or just plain wear her out?

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