How do YOU deal with tantrums?

[Librashavinganotherbiscuit]

Well DS has just reached to age (22 months) where a no can result in the mother of all tantrums. At the moment I am just trying to put him in a safe place (but not leave him)and ignore him until he has calmed down (not always easy when you are in the middle of Tesco). I have tried the distraction technique but it resoundingly didn't work and I DONT want to resort to carrying around a bag of chocolate as a quiet bribe.
So what are your methods of dealing with a tantrum and I mean a writhing, screaming, crying mess rather than a few wails. DS isn't very verbal for his age but understands everything you say (if he can hear you above the screams of anger).

First off, I want to suggest 'How to calm a challenging child' - it is an easy read but has lots of ideas. In general, DD1 is not a challenging child - but can get stroppy and does have the occasional tantrum which can be hard to deal with.

Things I now use include giving a cuddle when she is calm enough and simply soothing her - I do not agree with whatever started the tantrum and always follow through on whatever set it off if I had said no to something - however, I now acknowledge her feelings and recognise that is can be hard being 3! In fact, she will now often tell me it is hard being 3, or that is can be hard having a baby sister - or any of the other things that set her off!

And now we have few tantrums and she tends to take herself off to do something quietly or simply to sit in a quiet corner until she feels like joining in again.

And I never tell her off for getting angry but we have talked about ways of dealing with it - hence the above successes...

Good luck

Thanks for thre recommendation will put it on my next Amazon order!

Definitely keep hold that idea of no chocolate bribes. If you did that you'd have a child who screamed more not less!

I keep really calm and quiet and try to look very relaxed. Once the tantrum is subsiding O offer hugs. Then I'll offer sympathy, understanding and an explanation. I never ever give in to a tantrum no matter what. If I was unsure when I said no then the tantrum makes doubly sure I won't change my mind. This is something I've explained afterwards too.

There is no point in trying to talk to a screaming child so I don't bother. Waiting it out calmly has been the best strategy for me.

DS is 20 months and has been having occasional tantrums for about a month now. I either let him tantrum on the floor etc or just hold him in a hug with his body facing away from mine so he can't kick/push away from me.

I think that tantrums, especially these early ones, are just a manifestation of completely overwhelming feelings. Someone I used to know called them "big feelings" which I thought was a better name than "tantrum" but possibly a bit twee

Toddlers often don't understand reason (especially when overwhelmed) so although I do explain things to him I try to keep it simple. Vocalising the feeling helps sometimes too (This is from How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish)

Also try to head off tantrums, so e.g. instead of just grabbing something off them saying "No you can't hit the telly!" show them something else and say "Come over here and hit this peg toy. TVs are not for hitting."

Oh and (duh) I forgot the point I was going to make in my second paragraph. They feel overwhelmed e.g. with anger/frustration that they can't have the toy that X has or disappointment if they can't do something, etc etc. They are in this transition stage when they are beginning to have these "big feelings" but don't know a) how to deal with them and b) which events are important enough to warrant crying on the floor (e.g. your dog being run over) and which events aren't (e.g. your baby sister taking the brick you wanted to use)

The part where they work out which stuff is serious and which stuff is not comes with age and maturity rather than being able to be taught. And remember that something which wouldn't be a big deal to you (a tower being knocked over for example) might be a big deal to a toddler (because they've spent a long time on it) - or other completely illogical reasons for tantrums, there was an excellent thread on this somewhere Anyway in 'How To Talk...' it says that it's best not to try and teach children which things matter and which things don't, becuse they will work it out for themselves, and your efforts interrupt this process, especially if you misjudge it.

So what you can do is help them to manage their feelings - e.g. with anger, you can say "Look, come and punch this pillow" or "Show me how angry you are" and give them a red crayon or teach them to count to 10 and cool down first. Obviously some of these are a bit advanced for a toddler, but I've had good results when DS is completely off on one just by letting him throw something soft across the room in a controlled way, it calmed him down a lot.

I think this is probably really important, a lot of people manage anger, sadness, etc badly and bottle things up which is not healthy in the long run. So if you can teach your children to manage their feelings in an acceptable way while they are young it has to help them in later life.

Bertie thanks for sharing that, I actually have the How to Talk book but bought it when DS was about 6 months (not very useful then1) and I think I need to have another read!