5 yr old won't go to bed on her own...

[Runoutofideas]

DD1 is 5. We have fallen into a habit of bath, story, lie down next to her for a couple of minutes and she's asleep. Recently though it's taking longer for her to fall asleep, and I'm getting fed up spending ages lying down with her.

We've tried just telling her it's bedtime and now she's big she can sleep on her own, or look at books. No go - cue loads of tears - genuine distress it seems at the thought of being on her own. I've tried sitting on the floor by the door in her room but she just won't relax enough to go to sleep. We always have her light on low so it's not pitch dark.

She seems genuinely upset and frightened at the thought of being upstairs by herself. Even in the daytime she won't go upstairs to change her clothes for example without somebody with her, or having to watch from the bottom of the stairs. She's quite sensitive to a lot of things and I feel she's too old for the constant return to bed thing. She'd get absolutely hysterical if I tried it. I'd rather find some gentler way to banish the fear. Any ideas.....

I has the same with my DS, I would say I just have to pop down stairs to put something in the washing machine or some little job I will be back in 5 minutes. He was always asleep when I came back. sometimes I timed having my bath after putting him to bed as he would know I was nearby.
If you put her to bed very early you could try making it a little later she might drop off quicker.
I found if I put the pillow sideways behind him he would lean on it and think I was still in the bed.

Start by sitting on the end of the bed, then very very gradually move further away: the floor next to the bed for a few nights, then a floor further back for a few next etc.

gradual retreat might work for you
start off just sitting right next to the bed, then move a little further away and so on...

eventually you do as Lynli says.. "i need to go for a wee" or "i just have a few clothes to put away"
stay upstairs, even call to her if you need to so she kmnows you are right there outside her door... then go back.
gradually increase the time before you go back in

My dd is 5, i have the same problem, infact she's so bad most nights she ends up in bed with me. not much help i know, but at least we both get some sleep.

it's annoying, i can sympathise a lot
could you take an ipod and listen to something you like while you are lying down with him? or solve some kind of problem / do creative thinking while you are lying there (i run children's drama sessions and plan my next session while lying down with my ds)

there is a book called The Floppy Sleep Game which claims to gently get your child to fall asleep alone in 4 weeks
i bought it and it looks good but in the end i couldn't be bothered to do the programme

i'm sure she is genuinely afraid of being on her own and you don't need to worry about this in itself, it's quite normal

you could try other things like keeping her very active during the day so she falls asleep easily, or letting her listen to story tapes or quiet music for a bit in bed?

Could you do some tidying in your room, so she knows you are close, but not with her.

Tell her it's a very, very important thing you need to do.

My DD can be a bit like this, so I set her up with a looky book, or some colouring. Then I say see you in 10, and pop back in 10 minutes.

If she is awake I pop back in another 10, she is always asleep by the second check.

She genuinely believes that I spend the whole evening looking in on her.

My DD was exactly the same, she is 3. We gradually slipped into a similar routine and before i knew it she wouldnt go to sleep unless i sat and held her hand. Like you i didnt want a stressful solution but nothing worked so in the end just had to bite the bullet and go for the tough option. We told her that she was going to have to go to bed on her own.

I would definitely second Lynli's ideas - I still stay with my DD (she'll be 6 in September), she usually has a chapter of whatever book we're reading at the time, then a bedtime song or two then I count back slowly from 99 once or twice with a bit of a back rub sometimes too.

It sounds really indulgent and a bit of a palaver but for me spending 10 minutes settling her and knowing I'll have the rest of the evening in peace is worth it.

That said I do have a cut off point which is when the "I'm popping downstairs for a coffee and I'll check on you in 10 minutes" comes in. She also has a CD player in her room and there are a couple of story CD's that I can put on if she's drowsy but not quite asleep and she's then OK with me leaving her (weirdly her current fave is Charlotte's Web which I wouldn't have thought was terribly conducive to a good nights sleep but it seems to work for her!).

Thanks everyone - some really good ideas. She does have a cd player so I could try leaving her with a story on. As a matter of interest - what time do your 5 yr olds go to bed? DD1 has always gone to bed at 7pm. Maybe this is a bit early for her now? I don't think the warm evenings and light are helping much either...

DD goes to bed at 7-7.30 on a school night, later at the weekend.

my grandson has only just started to go upstairs by himself AGED 9 why, because he has seen all these so called childrens films Monsters Inc, Nemo, and sub consciously they have left him scared. He was convinced for ages that sharks came up the plug hole of a swimming pool. so maybe she has read seen something which has had a similar effect.