Disasterous play date and boys being mean

[wigwam1973]

Background first: DS1 is 5.10, in y1 and generally a happy boy. In Reception he struggled socially and this year I have made an effort to arrange a few play dates which I think have helped his confidence.

On Saturday we had invited over a new friend who moved to the area recently and lives very nearby. We've had him over a few times in the past, and they have got on well together, although DS says they don't play together at school. Well, fastforward to Saturday and this boy put DS down all afternoon. If DS told him a story, the boy said 'X, that's boring. You've already told me that'. If DS tried to tell him a joke (albeit badly), his response was 'that's not funny, X'. When DS made a joke about looking cool in his sunglasses (while pulling a silly face), the response was 'You're not cool. X. If you were cool you wouldn't do that'. He then proceeded to tell DS that he had been riding his bike without stabilisers since he was 3 (DS just mastered this and is very proud of the fact), was better on his scooter (true), can do monkey bars (also true) etc, etc. He basically dismissed everything DS said....

Now I would compare DS to a puppy in many ways. He gets easily overexcited, likes being silly and loud, and yes, he does say the same things more than once sometimes, it's true. He's a first born child and immature, but I still think the other boy was unnecessarily mean. Needless to say he won't be getting any more invites back here.

Do you think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill? Would you count this behaviour as normal and chalk it down to experience. DS, by the way, seemed oblivious that the other boy was being mean. I suppose that's a good thing in many ways, although I also want my son to be able to stand up for himself too.

Arrrgh. Started to ramble so will go now. Any advice greatly received.

It is terribly difficult to hear your child being treated badly by a 'friend'.

I might have intervened after several negative comments and told the other boy he was being unkind.

But I think more than anything the playdate should be your signal not to seek out this child's company for your ds. It seems the only time they interact is when engineered by you (since they don't play together at school). So, stop inviting the child over and help ds look for another child (or children) who could potentially be friends.

Maybe even ask the teacher for suggestions of which other children she suggests might be a good match, or who your ds gravitates toward during the school day?

Thanks Earlybird. I have been thinking so much about what happened and have arranged another play date for tomorrow. This is someone he does play with at school - he's a nice boy and he and DS have much more in common.

I'm always worried about telling somebody else's child off, but I think he could probably tell I was not impressed (my face is very expressive).

Do you think children of this age know they are being mean, or are they just saying what they think, if you see what I mean?

You don't have to tell the child off, or lecture them - just say 'that's not a kind thing to say' and then distract them with a game or toy. Ignoring that sort of comment means it's less likely to be repeated.

But some kids are more aggressive, or older in their ways. Your DS is oblivious to it, use experiences like that to show him how to deal with it (don't react/ignore the comment). And find someone at school he does play with.

Thanks, wonderingwondering. Good advice. Anyone else?

No - I don't think they know they're being mean at such a young age. A thought enters their heads, and comes out their mouths.

It could be that this other child has learned that sort of behaviour from an older sibling (often quick to criticise/ridicule younger ones), or from an intolerant adult.

I think also that some children simply go through unkind phases, and eventually learn what is acceptable.

I think you were right not to tell the other boy off, but a direct comment like 'ooh X, that was not a very nice thing to say' or 'that was unkind X' could let the other child know he has crossed a line and also would let your ds know you will stick up for him (not saying you want to turn him into a Mummy's boy, but at this age, a bit of intervention could be helpful).

Hope tomorrow's playdate is a happier one for all concerned.

Me too - to be honest, I hate the whole play date thing. I do worry about being overprotective of DS - I suppose partly because he is very young in his year at school. Some of the older boys seem so much more confident/popular.....

Thanks though - it does help to get another opinion.

wigwam - if you lived anywhere near me I'd arrange a playdate for our dses - yours sounds like my ds1 but nearly one year on. He's 5 in a fortnight and is in reception 1. He's always been able to get on with adults and kids younger than himself, but struggles badly with kids his age and a bit older. He went to nursery at his current school last year and became (in the puppyish way you describe) all excited that two older boys were his friends because they played basketball with him. some time later I was at the school and saw them 'playing' - they were bouncing the ball off his head and laughing. But ds1 was really happy, he honestly thought they were his friends

This year he seems to have settled in with the other reception kids - initially he didn't play with them, but now they seem to play well in the little playground attached to the reception classroom. But the long lunch break all the kids are put together in the big playground (it's only a small school). He keeps coming home saying a certain boy has been hitting him, or hurting him, last week he claimed the boy said he was going to get his father's gun (I think he's a gamekeeper) and shoot ds1 dead. I said something to ds1's teacher and she said she hadn't noticed anything, so I wondered if it was a bit of ds1 still being socially awkward and winding this toerag boy up, or just making a big deal out of a small incident (he does like to play the blame game - he did this, they did that etc).

But last week the neighbour's boy and a friend (both 6 or 7) cames over to play football. Again, ds1 was really excited. But all they did was say 'ds1, come and get the ball', and when he got near, kicked the ball to the other boy - essentially playing piggy in the middle and ds1 had no hope of getting anywhere near the ball. The thing is, I don't think these two boys are bad lads really, but they were being deliberately cruel - and it seemed even worse to me that ds1 didn't seem to realise that they were teasing him. So maybe I was being oversensitive? Or maybe kids of that age just are kind of cruel? And don't know how to get ds1 to... I don't know... not exactly be popular, but just be able to play and not always act a bit silly (like your ds) which sounds cruel (I am aware of how young he is), but he does act very differently when there are older kids about.

So, kind of sympathy for your situation. The only advice is, when I've discussed our situation with dh he thinks the best thing you can do to help a boy integrate is to get him into playing a team sport so that they find their niche, and my dad said exactly the same thing.

(Sorry if this is slightly disjointed, a bit knackered this evening, and typing one-handed!)

Thanks for your post, 3happy. Nice to know it's not just me. The boy at school (threatening the gun) sounds HORRIBLE. And you're right, I bet our DSs would get on like a house on fire.

I too have spoken to DS's teacher on a number of occasions. Her response always seems to be that she hasn't noticed 'anything in particular' and that 'boys will be boys'. Fat lot of good that is!

I'll take on board the team sports thing. Unfortunately DS is not terribly gifted at sports and gets easily deterred if he can't do something.... Ho hum, nothing's easy, is it?

No great advice, Wigwam, but on the sports suggestion, have you thought of a martial art? A friend's ds does one (can't remember which one I'm afraid), and has found it really useful for confidence. I know it's not exactly a team sport, but it is a chance to get to know a group of others in a supervised environment.

No - ds1 tends to lose interest in the things he's less good at too! I suspect he'd probably enjoy martial arts, but probably to the detriment of ds2!!!