Please help me teach my ds ( aged 4) how to stand up for himself or tell me i am being unreasonable?

[lisalisa]

My ds2 is our fifth child and he is 4 and a half at nursery.

he has always been a very sweet and loving child with an extremely well developed sense of right and wrong. He is also not boisterous or aggresive in any way but is also not a pushover ( when it comes to others snatching toys etc).

When it came to our parent teacher review at nursery the staff said that he was extremely popular ( which I had deduced anyway ) due they said to his generous and giving nature and his friendly disposition.

So far so good.....

However the rough and tumble of nursery means that it is no good to cry each time another child hurts you or says something nasty to you and that it is important to react properly. By that some of you will probably think I'm being unreasonable but I am talking about repeate offenders rather than a child who occasionally scratches in frustration.

There are a few kids in ds class who are repeat offenders - one in particular is a problem and has been responsbile for some quite nasty injuries.

I have been trying to teach ds to quite firmly put his face close to the aggressors and point his finger in their face and say loudly " you are not allowed to hurt me do you understand?"

This has not really worked.

I therefore told him today after a particularly nasty incident that he must learn to hit back. I know soem will disagree with me but I do believe that one whack back by ds will mean that this boy ( and others ) do not see him as easy prey.

His reaction was that he is a good boy ( i.e. ds is ) and not a bad boy and only bad boys hit and he doesnt' want to hurt this other boy even if he is hurt. He refused to budge form this opionin.

I don't know what to do - literally. The teachers are aware of it but are at a a loss as to what to do .

The injury today was quite bad btw - happened in playground during time when parents supervise ( half hour period between nursery ending and primary school ending when partents and nursery kids wait in playground). I had turned my back thinking ds was happily scampering about with his friends. Next thing I knew he was howling wiht a really nasty injury - turns out this boy tripped him up and he fell face first and then this boy picked up his head and bashed it into the playground tarmac. Ds little nose is all bruised and purple.

Another mother saw and brought ds screaming to me. A rota picks up this other boy and she just shrugged her sorry and carried on talking.

I do need to teach ds to hit back as I know teeachers can't always keep an eye and this boy will smell out the weaker kids. But how?

Good luck at nursery - I agree that they need to give your DS much more help here. I sometimes worry about my DD (3) not standing up for herself,and where telling teachers fits into all this - so reassured by the advice above. I know though that I have to be careful not to let my own experience of being bullied influence me too much: I can be very quick to interpret situations as bullying, when DD isn't all that bothered. Not suggesting this is happening in your case right now - as others have said, what you describe is unacceptable. But just something to think about more generally for the future, just in case there's anything in your own past experience which might tend to make you particularly fearful for your DS. I'm coming to the conclusion that one of the greatest strengths I can give DD is a secure feeling that she's just right as she is and not to make her feel she needs to change on my account. But remind me I said that if she ever has to face what you're up against... and whatever you do, don't blame yourself.

OP I think your DS and his reaction to this boy's behaviour sounds wonderful. Please don't teach him to hit back, you will change who he is and it sounds to me like his morals are spot on.
I think at the age of 4 no child should ever need to deal with this situation alone - they should always ask an adult for help or tell them what happened and if this boy hurt your DS on school premises then his teacher definitely needs to know all about it. If his behaviour is always like this they probably already have a strategy in place for tackling it, with his parents, but they need to know how serious his behaviour is to deal with it with appropriate seriousness. If the incidents keep happening keep going back until you are convinced that something is being done.

Thanks everyone - went in today and showed them ds nose. They were quite horrified and showed resignation and sadness when i identified the culprit. They said they are going to move ds from this boy's lunch table and are going to have carpet time this morning discussing what is acceptable to stand up for oneself - they are going to focus on telling an adult and telling the aggressor loudly and clearly to stop hurting the victim.

Will let you know how it goes.....

I hope they are also going to have this child's parents in as well....It needs re-inforcing at home too that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Hope it gets sorted out for you.

Shouldnt they be removing the bully from his lunchtable? your ds hasnt done anything wrong, why should he move?

I agree with Sessy. It sounds promising but your son isn't the one at fault here, he shouldn't be the one moved.

I agree with the others, it should be the bully who is moved.

I don't recall whether ds is moving or this boy - I don't think it makes all that much difference really as they don't sit with friends at the lunch table ( as the staff say they chat too much!!) and ds wouldn't really perceive it as something he has done wrong if he sits somewhere else as I think they are quite often moved around.

I think the mum is aware of what is going on - she must be as there have been so many complaints about her child. I know from when my other kids were in this class ( or any class in the school) that if there has been voilence or name calling that the parent is straight away told and asked to partner the school in reinforcing to the child that it is not acceptable.

I will see how ds feels today and take my cue from there. Perhaps when manyh children do not tutrn up to the child's party this weekend the penny may drop that there is quite a serious issue gong on .

I have a feeling that the Head may opt not to accept this boy into reception as the ultimate solution ( it is a private school)which will be sad for the boy but a general relief for some of us I think