Sibling rivalry in the extreme

[wolfear]

DS1 (nearly 3) is still horrible to DS2 (11 months). He's never really bonded with him at all. He wouldn't even acknowledge him or even look at him until he was about 4 or 5 months old. Poor DS2 adores him and laughs and smiles away at him, even if DS1 is shouting 'no' or 'go away' at him. Occasionally he'll do something nice like tickle him, or say something to try an make him laugh, but he needs a lot of encouragement and it's rare TBH.

DH and I have tried everything, from trying not to make too big a deal of it and just moving DH2 away from him, getting him to play with him (rolling balls to him etc) to getting angry and punishing him for pushing him over or shouting at him. We don't know what else to do.

It upsets me greatly and am worried they are never really going to bond and be friends.

There was a feature about this on Women's Hour Radio 4 this morning. Didn't catch it all but someone has written a book about the 7 ways to cure sibling rivalry.

You should check out their web-site, they always have quite a bit of info.

Good luck.

oh damn - I wish I'd known.

Thanks though, will check out the website.

Sithmummy - just posted your feijoada recipe in Recipes topic...

Have faith. I had the same worries. I can't really say why, but it just got gradually better. DS1 needed to learn to like and appreciate DS2. He still doesn't really articulate that he likes him even now, but he does - they get on really well now (7 and 9).

Try and stop expecting them to be friends. Lower your expectations to the minimum - that DS1 does not hurt DS2. Have time alone with DS1. Don't let DS2 mess up his stuff or invade his space.

Buy a toy which is explicitly for them to share, and take turns at- we got one of those wooden zigzag ramp tracks, where you put the cars in on the top and they go down the ramp. But overall, stop pushing it. 3 is a very delicate age

Sorry, press send post too early .. The fact is - 11 months is a really appealing age, and 3 year olds can be pretty stroppy. At some level, DS1 will be aware of that fact but not know what to do about it. Try and remember he's pretty babyish inside.

I remember DS1 (at around 3), saying "Mummy, can you go out so I can hit Charlie ?" , but disarmingly honest.

Finally - one day it will be DS2 who is causing you all the grief and DS1 will be an angel ...

Also (cannot keep away !!!). I don't think DS2 was damaged by the fact that for the first few years DS1 wished he didn't exist (time may tell .......)

I wish I had reacted less strongly than I did .. it's very natural when you are worried, but i don't think it's right. I also don't think it helped that everyone else I knew seemed to have older sibs who loved their little brother/sister, but I don't think it's that uncommon.

Hi sorry to hear your situation.

When baby is sleeping do you get to do things with DS1? What does he enjoy doing?

Have you got family or a friend who would care for DS2 while you take DS1 out by himself.

Another idea just came. Have you got friends who have siblings of simular age. Maybe a good idea to plan an activity together so DS1 can pehaps see them in action.

I have four kids. They all want my attention at some time. I also childmind 5 children. I am looking at ways in which I can give my kids quality time. I sometimes may take only one of them out with me.

All the best!!!

Thanks for your views. I take your point MUM2 but I've always been so conscious of putting DS1's nose out of joint that he's been showered with attention. For the first few months, DS2 got fed, changed and made safe as I was so conscious not to lavish attention on him in front of DS1.

Jamie - good to hear from someone who's lived through it and your boys get on. I'm sure it will all come together. I totally hear your about the friends with kids of a similar age who all love their little brothers and sisters. bah!

• yes, wankers, the lot of them - and the ones who have DCs who eat 3 square meals a day without complaining -

avoid them too

Oh, and the ones whose DCs "never have tantrums"