Suitable punishments for toddler in the 2s stage.

[DetectivePotato]

My DS is 2.4. He is going through the usual 'terrible twos' atm. He has been pretty good up until now but this week has been a nightmare.

He constantly shouts at babies, particularly if they touch him. My friends DS, 10 months, he often takes toys off him. He is shouting at me a lot this week and saying things back that I say to him in a really firm voice, like "don't talk to me like that" etc. It feels like it has been non stop. He is always resisting having his nappy done and today he was constantly kicking and hitting me throughout the whole process. I did tap him on the leg (I don't like smacking) and it made no difference which confirmed my belief that it isn't a suitable punishment that I want to use. I tell him he won't have ice cream after tea (he doesn't have this all the time but has become a recent favourite), tell him he isn't going out for a walk with daddy when he comes home from work, take away his favourite toys, if he's really bad (like smacking me) I put him in his cot and leave him for a bit so I can calm down as well.

I don't want to do the naughty step as I feel he is a bit young and the stairs are in the front room so he wouldn't be out of the way.

Does anyone have any effective punishments they can suggest? I feel I am at a loss at the moment as nothing really seems to be working anymore.

When he's displaying behaviour you don't want say 'no' firmly remove him and plonk him down on the other of the room and walk away. He will wail.

You have to treat them like dogs. Only pay attention to the behaviour you'd like to see repeated.

With nappy changes, I used to just get up and leave them on the nappy mat and walk out the door. Come back a minute later. They soon cop on.

I agree with whomovedmychocolate and would offer the same advice.

No point 'punishing' a two year old, far better to make sure behaviours don't become habits. He sounds perfectly norml, but perhaps you are labelling 'normal' 2 year old behaviour as 'difficult', labelling it as 'terrible twos' for example.

He is mimicking back to you how you speak to him, that's only normal and you just have to ignore it.

With the nappy thing, maybe it's time to consider potty training? He is acting up because he knows it will get a reaction from you at that time. Remember that to children, all attention is good attention, even if it is yuo getting stressed. They like to experiment with cause and effect, and then coduct repeated experiments to make sure the findings are consistant . Children like to know their parents are consistant in their reactions, so make sure you are. And in the cases you describe no reaction is the best reaction.

Yeah, he hates it when I turn away and ignore him. It is pretty effective and he does get over it quite quickly, just doesn't seem like it at the time. And obviously it takes patience which isn't my strong point so I am learning as much as him sometimes.

Don't use punishments that are not related to the crime, the threat of no ice cream or no walk with daddy sometime in the future (later that day) has no relation to the immediate behaviour you want to discourage. If he shouts at you, ignore it, and talk in a really calm voice, or use distraction.

With the nappy changing, just get up and leave him. Come back a minute later.

That's it Detective, he is learning, so don't be so hard on him or yourself when he isn't perfect, he's only a baby really, he's only had two year's experience of life and living with other people and what is and is not acceptable behaviour. He needs to try everything out to see what he can and can't do.

Ignoring is the best possible thing you can do at this stage. Or a firm "NO" for something like smacking, and then a few minutes of ignoring or leaving the room or stopping what you where doing with him etc.

If you can't be patient - try distraction. 'Ooh look mummy's fingers fallen off' oh no there it is, silly me'.

Also remember to reward the good stuff. 'What a good boy playing nicely with the cars, mummy likes to see you doing that brum, brum'.

Personally I think the 'Terrible Twos' are a myth, a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. If you expect it and look for it you will find it. Far better for your sanity to just view his behaviour as perfectly normal for that age, and a good thing, coz how else would he learn hwe to behave in society?

x posts there. But yes I totally agree. No reaction is the best way and he does respond to that, he hates being ignored. And thank you for pointing out about labelling. I don't want to get into the habit of labelling him, must remember that this is normal and all of my friends are going through the same thing too! I find it harder though when I am around others and I feel they are thinking that I am not doing enough when I ignore him. I frequently have to tell my nan to ignore him when he is shouting etc as she always responds, then yesterday he was 'talking firmly' to my cousins baby (10 months) and wagging his finger (can't think where he has got that from ) and she turned it into a fun game by messing around and pushing his finger away which he thought was hilarious and done it even more.

oh yes, I forgot that, praise praise praise the good.

Also, acknowledge his feelings, without adding your own opinions or being emotional about it. "You're cross with mummy now" or "You don't like having your nappy changed do you?"

All good advice that I know but needed reminding, so thanks.

Yes, the rewards too. I do remember to tell him how nicely he is playing when he does, and I play with him when he asks me to play cars. If he plays up I just get up and walk away. (BTW playing cars is mind numbingly dull but whatever keeps him happy ).

I have read too about 'punishment' not relating to the crime. Again all I have read seems to go out of the window! I really need to remember this is all normal and will take so much patience. He is pretty easy to distract too, which is a great thing.

Now might be a good time to read Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn.
I find talking about how my childs behaviour makes me feel works well. If he's being difficult I tell him that what he's doing makes mummy really sad. He doesn't like that as he always wants me happy and it calms things down most of the time. This works also for wwhen he's hurting another child. Speak to him quietly and clearly explain how his behaviour has effected others.
This response to behaviour we deem unacceptable may sound a little wet and won't give you the satisfaction of feeling like you've somehow won a battle but in the long run it will teach him to think about the feelings of others and help him to be the lovley boy that he is with out a load of threats and bribes. It will come from his instinctive desire for fairness and to be kind.

"You're cross with mummy now"

He has no problem telling me he is cross, thank you Thomas and Friends.

Thanks bumbums (great name) He doesn't like it when people are sad and does comment on it so I will tell him that it makes mummy sad. He may be really nice and stoke my hair and tell me "you be ok mummy" if I'm lucky.

Yes Yes, even if he tells you he is cross, it is good to repeat this back to them, just confirming their feelings and that their feelings are real and justified. Sometimes just acknowledging aloud to him that you know he is cross with you or whatever will help him.

I personally don;t think it is right to make childrne feel responsible for your emotions, you are responsible for them and to tell a 2 yr old he is responsible for how you feel is verging on emotional blackmail in my view. I'd recommed saying "I feel sad now" without actually blaming him for that sadness.