Preparing for new baby with possibly jealous 19 month sibling?

[SummerLightning]

So no 2 is due at the beginning of August.
My DS is 17 months old, he is and always has been a very chilled, independent baby/toddler.

However, in the last few months although he is not clingy at all (take him to a toddler group and he'll be off exploring straight away, at nursery I can't even get him to look over his shoulder to say bye to me), if I interact with other toddlers or god forbid babies he goes crazy!

For example, I held my friends sleeping newborn. He went from happily playing at the other side of the room to rushing straight over to me and SCREAMING and trying to climb on my knee.

If I pick up another toddler he will stop what he's doing come over and scream and pull at the other baby and literally try and get them out of my arms.

It's the same with DH too, in fact I was holding him at the bottom of the stairs the other day when DH held a friends DD and he got angry at that too!

So, enough waffling, firstly I suspect this is normalish behaviour!! Do you think he "knows" there is going to be a new thing that is going to take parents attention somehow (he obviously doesn't understand properly)?

And what can I do to prepare him? Anything? Is he too young for books about new babies to help? And tips for when the new one is here?

It's his age, but he may know. You have to treat jealousy like any other behaviour. And pretend baby is a boiling hot kettle...out of reach of toddlers at all times!!

I've never had that gap, 14months, 26 months and 3.5 years! But each comes with a challenge. Ensure you have plenty for ds to do when you're feeding, and I used to feed on a sofa so there was always snuggle room for another child!!

You're going to have the same age gap as we are. I think it is worth doing some of the baby books - I have no idea how much DD took in when we read to her, but she was definitely interested in the books and the pictures help too. The ubiquitous one is "there's a house in mummy's tummy" which we had (have passed on otherwise I would gladly send to you) and there are loads of others.

I think when the new one comes, one thing that might help is to persuade DS that he is part of the "management" - give him little jobs to do (get you a nappy etc). DD still calls DS "my baby"! When we are not around (say after bed time and we can hear them on the monitor) she takes charge reassuring DS - "Don't worry J, mummy is coming" or some such. She definitely has delusions of importance, but it helps. Try to let him near the new one without getting too stressed about him being a bit rough (poor DS spent his babyhood being smothered by DD). And don't worry if he doesn't take to the new one straight away or seems to be OK, but then starts to act up later. We definitely had some rough patches with DD going through a phase of biting DS, but it passed.

We also got DD a present which we told her was from DS. Not sure that made a difference with her TBH, but my mum says that's how I was won over to my DB!

Thanks!
posie what do you mean about "you treat jealousy like any other behaviour"? I'm not sure I treat any of his bad behaviour right to be honest! My instinct with the wailing and jealousy is to ignore him to be honest. With the newborn it really was so pathetic as to be funny (if it wasn't so terrifying at the same time) My friend with the newborn definitely thought it was hilarious.
I shall get the house in mummy's tummy book I think, thanks invis. He is not very good at obeying any orders yet, so not sure how well the get me a nappy will work, but I definitely think he will respond to "you need to be gentle, look after the baby" stuff as he does respond well to that with animals or even flowers!! And making him feel important definitely works! Also I am hoping that he will be able to obey basic commands a bit better in a couple of months when the baby arrives as he seems to be increasing in understanding all the time.

SL as you know I have a 17mth gap between DS'. You will be fine there will be an adjustment period for you all. But I promise you the 2nd baby will slot in.

I was told by someone that when you have the bubba and its the first time your DS sees you do not be holding the new baby and make sure you make a big fuss of your DS.

We did not do any of the baby books just because we didnt think DS1 had enough understanding of what was going on. Neither did we give him a gift from the baby as we didnt think he would understand that either.

I relied alot on cbeebies for the first 3 months. So when it was feeding time I would pop on sine cbeebies for 20 mins while DS2 fed.

Try to keep to your same routine as much as you can. As far as the jealousy keep consistant with what you think is acceptable behaviour.

I promise you it seems really daunting and scary but you will be ok.

Summer - I'm equally nerve-wracked! Will be nearly 19 months between DD and newbie - I will let you know how it goes for the month or so before yours arrives....

Been told sticker books are brilliant to have during feeding, because it takes them ages to do it, so takes up loads of time! Waterstones has loads of them. x

What did you do when your ds came up screaming and trying to climb on you whilst you were holding the other baby?
Important IMO&E to let him have a cuddle at the same time so that he sees that it isn't a choice between the 2 of them, but that you have enough affection for both of them at the same time. Then talk calmly to him about how he will have a baby brother/sister of his own soon.

My ds is 19 months, and seems to understand that he's going to have another sibling (has an older sister already) in a few weeks. He will even stroke my tummy sometimes and we make a fuss of how he's stroking the baby.

Well he's not tall enough to actually get up on top of me so I gave him attention and stroked his head. It didn't work so eventually I handed the baby back. I tried again later and the same thing happened. My friend tried to distract him by throwing him up in the air and spinning him round, which he LOVES normally, but he carried on crying though you could hear little giggles peeking through the crying despite himself

Thanks fro the tips, the stickers is a great idea. Jam I didn't realise your 2 were quite so close together!

This morning we were trying to teach him about brother or sister and he pointed at my stomach and said baby! We were amazed as we hadn't said the word "baby". Then he pointed at DH's stomach and said "baby" too. We were less amazed (though his stomach is big enough, tee hee)

SL - I have a 15 month gap.

It was the one thing I worried about more than anything (more than the birth or the sleepless nights), how would dd1 react...

In the end she loved the baby right from the start and was rarely jealous. That's partly luck but also a smaller gap is good in that they get used to things quite quickly (ime) and very soon dd1 kind of forgot that there was ever a time without dd2 there iyswim.

Make a big fuss of ds1 and stick to your usual routine (groups, soft play, outings) as newborns are usually very portable. We didn't do the present from baby but did use the baby books (we had Big Sister, Little Sister and ZaZa's baby brother which the girls still read often) and who know, it might have helped. But the key often was to just not meniton the baby at all and focus on the toddler. It seems disloyal but baby won't mind

I also have always tried not to say "I can't do that because of the baby/because I'm feeding baby" just so she didn't associate the baby with negative things. If you are bf'ing, it is amazing that you can manage to cuddle the older child while bf'ing the younger. Is DS into books? We had lots of stories while I bf, stickers were a good suggestion too. If he's quite jealous then let other people hold baby as often as possible so that he gets lots of mummy time to himself at first (willb e harder once your DH's paternity leave is over and any helpful visitors have gone but then dd2 often slept quite happily in buggy or car seat when we went to places so I still got cuddle time with dd1)

i agree with cantsleep, let them have a cuddle at same time, that should really help and also not telling him off for going near baby or forbidding him from touching the baby, encourage him to interact but just supervise to make sure its done safely. that will make them more comfy with the baby rather than viewing them as a threat? keep telling how the little brother/sister really likes them and wants to be their friend? and definitely stick to ds1 normal routine and keep taking him out to groups and things as soon as your able (well if you normally used to go)
i didnt do any of the books or presents stuff for mine as i thought he wouldnt get it (17 months) i just did this, like not much really and they totally love each other (ds2 now 5 months) he always goes 2 give him hugs and kisses and make him laugh and all that. im glad i didnt follow advice some people said to keep baby always away from him in playpen, because i think they do need to see each other and b allowed to interact then they can get comfy with each other? well obviously if toddler does get jealous and dangerous you would have to, but i dont think it should be the default. most likely he will get used to the baby quite quick, this age gap is quite good for jealousy really as they are quite young and just adapt..

SL there was someone on here ages ago wish I could remember who it was but they did something called I think a precious box. It had lots of different stuff in and was only brought out when the baby was feeding but it was all stuff that could be done with your DS while feeding the NB. Special books, stickers etc use an old shoe box put lovely wrapping paper round it put lots of very favourite things in and use it as your special time with him.

There's a lovely book called Rosie's baby - its about a little girl coping with a new baby. It maybe useful if your DS plays with dolls, teddies at all.

But my main advice would be - give as much attention as poss to eldest child. He is the who is potentially losing out on being the sole attention of his parents. An elder brother is the best present a baby could have - it takes the pressure off it, and they have the benefit of a mum who actually has a clue what to do with a baby.

Poor old DS has had to get used to amateurish parents, learning as they go along, who've poured over him like demented scientists for the past 18 months.

Baby will be just fine. Make the transition as smooth as possible for eldest boy. Good luck.

Thanks for more tips everyone! Will definitely try and give ds lots of attention and will get some of the recommended books. I think I would definitely have been tending towards letting him interact with new baby within reason so will probably do that too. He is not a very cuddly boy more a I want a cuddle for 5 seconds now I'm bored and I will bounce on your head now sort of boy so we will see how we go. Similarly with the books he loves books but attention span not massive. Unfortunately he doesn't really like tv yet as that could be a lifesaver if he does.
Re routine. Unfortunately we are trying to move house before no 2 arrives so there will be some upheaval! Fortunately he doesn't have much of a routine apart fr at bedtime! I work 4 days and he has half a day with dh, I do take him to toddler group but not every week and do different stuff every week. Unfortunately though we do tend to have quite action packed days and we get out and about loads so I am a little worried he will be bored and resentful if we can't zoom around quite as easily. He will be staying in nursery for some reduced hours though so that should give him some continuity and give me a break!

Oh and I totally agree re the little one being fine and fitting in as much a possible. Am not worried about the new one assuming the big one doesn't squash him/her or something.

Why not put the baby in a playpen when you aren't feeding them so your ds can run around unhindered? I did that with a 22 month age gap between mine and it worked wonders. DS peeked at his little sister a few times, gave her a squidge and pretty much ignored her. It did save me worrying about her being bashed if my back was turned.

I put her on the carpet on her playmat from about 2 months old as she was more robust and DS wasn't at all bothered by her being there.