3 yo ds won't fall asleep alone, won't stay in bed and needs us to lie with him-very overtired boy

[funlovingcriminal]

That's it really. We gave up dummy about 2 months ago with no fight, and since then he has got progressively worse at falling a asleep alone.

We are now at the stage where he will not stay in bed alone, he just gets up, each time with a different excuse until I realise that the only way to get him off is too lie there with him.

He is so restless and overtired that it takes about half an hour for him to wriggle around until he drops off.

I'm pregant with no 2 and can't cope anymore.Tried sticker chart tonight but it didn't really work.he falls aleep at 11 most nights and he's so overtired, poor thing.

Please helpX

Sorry, no advice just sympathy.

Ds1 was just like this. He couldn't get off to sleep without someone next to him. We tried everything but NOTHING worked. Our only option would have been to lock him in his room, but we didn't want to do that obbviously.

Don't want to be the voice of doom, but he only grew out of this when he was about 5 or 6.

Good luck though

hence your name right?!!!

Oh dear, some nights I want to give the dummy back but I'm not even sure it's that anymore.

Was your Ds constanty overtired or did you manage to reduce the amount of time it took him to drop off?

I used to use the time I was lay at the side of my eldest as an opportunity to get some rest myself (dc was 2 and I was pg with no.2).

With my later children I just let them fall asleep on the settee in their own time and then carry them up to bed.

hence your name comment was for tiredlady, obviously!

Oh ok, this is looking like there's no magic mumsnet answer!!

Once he stopped napping in the day, it was slightly better, but it would regularly take us about an hour or so of lying with him before he finally dropped off.

This was also the kid who didn't sleep through till he was 7. I spent years and years in a sleep deprived fog.

The half an hour bit is after an hour and a half of trying to reason with him - in and out of the bedroom with bribes and sticker charts. So, it's two hours all in all, most nights.

He sleeps through though, so guess I'm lucky. He's always been a great sleeper - that's why I'm panicking a bit!

Oh poor you. We stopped bf about 6 weeks ago with no fuss but then bedtimes went to shit. DS is 23mo and I too am pg and couldn't cope with the thought of a newborn and this every evening. When are you due BTW?

I started a thread about Ds's bedtime last week and have had v good results with the advice I had. He doesn't like to be alone at any time but esp. when falling asleep. So we're 'weaning' him off needing us to help him get to sleep. Four days in, he's falling asleep with us sat next to the door, no shushing or patting which is nothing short of a miracle.

We got him to choose a new teddy, a special one that he could cuddle at night time. It comes downstairs with us for milk & night garden but stays in the cot the rest of the time, so he's part of the bedtime routine. We read bedtime stories to teddy as well as DS, kiss him goodnight etc.

I usually get asked for mummy cuddles 50 times when settling him so I told him to cuddle teddy instead. He also asks for his tummy to be rubbed, I got teddy to do this too.

It's worked very well so far- which I'm finding hard to believe because he's never had a particular favourite toy before.

Always takes them longer to settle when overtired- does he still have a nap in the day?

Does he have a nightlight or can you leave the door open for him so he can hear you in the background?

Have you tried changing his bedtime routine- making it longer/shorter. Eg, you could take him upstairs earllier but spend more time doing stories, cuddles and songs before you say goodnight?

You could stay with him for now whilst he falls asleep but be really firm about the fact that it is bedtime & he must stay in bed. Tell him how impressed you are with him the next day for anything that went right about bedtime, and what a big boy he is being, but don't mention the stuff that went wrong.

I'd make a plan to withdraw your presence once he's more relaxed about bedtime generally.

Others would say to get tough but taking it slowly has worked for us. Takes a while to see results unfortunately.

Good luck,hope he settles down soon.

Forget the hour and half reasoning with him. Go straight to the half hour lying with him (half hours rest for you?). If he still goes off after the half hour then you've gained an hour and half

thanks hairymelons - very useful stuff there. I'm due august, so trying to get this sorted now!

I agree Juule..was thinking the same just now.

dd went through a phase of something similar - she'd go to sleep ok at bedtime, but would wake in the night, and dh or I would have to lie with her until she went to sleep again. Looking back, I think it was around the time she started having 'proper' dreams and nightmares. She used to say she didn't like her dreams, and started hearing things at night. tbh I don't think we did anything special, she was just ok again after a while. We did leave a light on in her room for a good while though - sometimes still do!

You must be knackered, hope he plays ball and soon.

knackered and going to bed now too, would love any more of this fab advice though if anyone's got any - just to stock up on ideas for those desperate moments.thanksX

We had similar problem with DS when he was 2.5 and he is now 3.3 - he would not go to sleep on his own - I had to sit in his room in the rocking chair and wait until he was a sleep before creeping out. If I got the creaky floorboard then had to start all over again! He would also wake around 10.30 to 11 and would ask to come in our bed - queue one tired child and fed up mother.

So I tried a different technique someone on here had tried. He was still in his cot then. I bought a blow up air bed and left that on the floor in his room. He would go to sleep very well first thing but when he woke, I would go and lie on the mattress and hold his hand through the cot. When he was asleep I would withdraw my hand and then creep back to my own bed! I did this for about 3 nights. The next step was to just hold his hand for a little bit then let go and stay on my air bed. Then again escape back to my bed when he was asleep.

We then progressed after 8 days I think to him managing to settle himself really easily and I have never had a problem again.

He is still a bit of a pain to get to sleep at night early on and I sometimes have to sit in his room for 5 mins max before I have to go and do a job downstairs. I come back in 5 mins to check and he is usually asleep.

I think the key is consistency and to follow through and not give in to them too much. You could start by lying with him until he sleeps, then just sit be the side of the bed, then move towards the door and then pop out to get something, etc, but I think you have to try each stage for 3 days then move on.

Good luck - it does get better honest!

No experience to add really I'm afraid, but sympathy and hope for you that it gets easier soon!

I remember seeing something like this on that programme than Dr Tanya Byron did - Little Angels I think? Her advice was to explain at bedtime that it is bedtime, he needs to stay in bed and fall asleep. Every few nights move a bit further away from the bed until eventually you are outside the room, don't speak but every time he gets up just calmly put him back to bed and resume your position (wherever it may be!) until he falls asleep. It seemed to work for them, but did take a good few weeks and a lot of perseverance!

Just realised very similar to androbob's suggestion sorry! Best of luck with whatever you try

My ds will be 3 in a month and he has pretty much always needed one of us to fall asleep. The odd time I can get up and ask him to try to fall asleep and I will come up and say goodnight.

Like your ds, he is very restless for between half and hour to an hour and now sleeps through the night.

He co-sleeps with us because when he reached 6 months he woke up any time he was not touching me and so it was much easier.

I read in one of Dr. Sears' books that if you try something 3 times and it still isn't working then they simply aren't ready yet.

My ds just needs us at the moment. Though I also worry because I'm pregnant too, so I know how you feel. Wondering how we will deal with a new baby sleeping with us as well!

thanks everyone,because he has always slept so well this is a bit of a shock to me. I know there are lots of you out there who have been doing this kind of thing for years, I do sympathise.

I think if I can get him to stay in his bed then he may eventually drop off. The problem is he just gets up and whinges until I can't take it. He's staying at my brothers house tonight, i wonder how they will cope

We have this, our DS is 2.9, DD is 1.8. Neither sleep well. DD still in with us. We, out of desperation, resorted to terrible measures to get DS to sleep alone.

We bought him a TV.

He watches dvds and falls asleep, i dont care how chavvy or shitty or whatever else this makes us as parents. We were desperate. I couldnt function between mental heath issues and sleep deprevation (he literally slept for 40 mins periods, with 2 hours ish awake in between!) I was resenting him so much it was an awful time.

He still wakes, but now he puts the tv on himself for half hour then goes back off.

Its terrible i know, but we are all happier

Oh god, I don't judge you at all..we only get our DS to eat veg by using the TV!

I totally understand - desperate times and all that...

DD is 3.9 and will only go to sleep if I sit next to the bed and hold her hand until she drops off. One bonus of her getting up at 5.30 at the moment is that she drops off pretty quickly though sometimes it can take over 30 minutes and if I sneak out and she wakes she gets hysterical until I go back. It also has to be me and not DH - on the rare occasion I've had to go out in the evening, she is usually either still awake when I get back or asleep on the sofa where she's finally given in. I'm hoping it gets better.....