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Original poster

Please oh please wise mumsnetters, help me!!

26 replies

waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 11:58

DS is 3y5m. He has been out of nappies since he was just over 2 1/2. (Not at night but thats not an issue). He literally took himself out of nappies and very rarely had an accident since the 1st day.

However, he has only ever done 3 poos in the toilet - the rest are in his pants.

We have tried reward charts , ignoring it , talking about poo land, talking about being a big boy, increased fluid and fruit and veg intake, sitting on loo with pants on - everything we can think of, nothing works.

We started the reward chart last week - he understands the concept but has only done 1 poo in the toilet and when he does it in his pants he sometimes gets upset as he's not getting a sticker. He has also been holding it in and even pooed in his sleep on Monday night which he has never, ever done.

He has looked like he was going to go poo this morning so I toook him through to loo (with own wee thomas tank seat and step etc). I sat and sang songs blah blah with him, he was hysterical and came back through. He has since been crying, hoding his tummy and saying he doesnt want any lunch.

I feel so sorry for him but equally want to get this sorted. I am due a 2nd baby in Sept so am hormonal and feeling like I really dont know what to do.

All his wee friends were fully potty trained at just over 2 and I just feel Ive let him down.

Any ideas/advice?

OP posts:
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Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 12:01

Oh and I should say that in the past he's held it in for up to 4 days and then it is very painful. I dont want to get to that stage again.

OP posts:
goldenticket · 20/05/2010 12:02

So he's been pooing in his pants for a year?

Gosh, I would totally back off, put him in pull ups and tell him it's totally up to him whether he uses the potty or not. He can pull the pull-ups down to wee but won't have to worry about the poos if he doesn't want to. And then leave him be. Seriously. He will get there, I promise, but this has become such a big issue that it sounds as if he's totally freaked out by it.

goldenticket · 20/05/2010 12:04

Seeing your other post, I'd slip some laxatives into his food or drink as well - speak to your Dr.

Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 12:14

thanks for the advice, couldve done without the to be honest as am already pretty upset. We have backed off for about 6m, it is only in the last week we've tried the reward chart again.

He wont wear pull ups, never has and would be devastated if I put him in a nappy especially as he knows he does pees in toilet etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 12:20

Bumping for more advice please...........

OP posts:
goldenticket · 20/05/2010 12:37

Sorry for upsetting you, I just thought a year was a long time to be wrangling with this.

Is he at nursery? What do they do/recommend there? It sounds as if this might be cracked out of the house maybe.

goldenticket · 20/05/2010 12:39

And you haven't let him down, it's just so easy to get sucked into stuff like this. I would speak to your Dr anyway though as DS has started withholding and you don't want him to become seriously constipated.

Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 12:58

He only goes to nursery 2 2.5hr sessions a week, I dont think he has ever even done a pee there though.

A year is a long time, yes but we backed off before Xmas as didnt want him witholding and then I found out I was pregnant and had sickness etc and wasnt up to dealing with it so am only really trying again now.

He hasnt been witholding until last few days again so am tempted to just call the whole reward chart thing off, or at least not remind him of it, obviously if he did poo on toilet of his own accord - fantastic! Dh though doesnt want to give up and thinks he is the only 3 year old in the universe not potty trained fully.

OP posts:
goldenticket · 20/05/2010 13:02

OK, DH needs to back off because he's only going to add to your stress (and it sounds as if you're the person mostly dealing with this). I would seriously speak to nursery about this - they will have seen many similar cases and may have some good ideas/strategies that you haven't thought of. You could also consider putting him in there for more sessions for a week or two, just to see whether a different environment and seeing what his peers are up to would make a difference.

Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 13:06

thanks.

Nursery is a pre school - I dont know if theyd help with this type of thing?

OP posts:
goldenticket · 20/05/2010 13:13

Ask them

And good luck - do come back and let us know how you get on.

Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 13:15

cheers, really do feel like Ive let him down and am getting lots of pressure from everyone too.

OP posts:
goldenticket · 20/05/2010 13:19

Oh that's so sad . Kids are all so so different - you'll see when you have your next one that with exactly the same environment and parenting, they'll be totally different to your first in so many ways.

Just had another thought - does your DS dress himself at all? If he does, you could put a pile of pants and a pile of pull-ups (I really would try these) in his room and say "you choose what to wear today - pants if you want to try the potty, pull-up if you don't" so the control is back in his hands IYKWIM?

Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 13:30

People expect alot because he's so tall and has lawyas been very very quick with development.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 13:32

always

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforbedtime · 20/05/2010 13:32

He does dress himself but really really hates pull ups.

OP posts:
annmar · 20/05/2010 13:36

I feel for you.

DD2 was dry within a couple days of potty training, but she wouldn't entertain the idea of doing a poo on the toilet or potty.

I backed off, she wore knickers,but asked for a pull up when she needed a poo. I always asked if she wanted to try to do it on the toilet, but she always said no, so I put a pull up on her.

DH wanted to push her to use the toilet, but I didn't feel that was the right especially as she frequently suffered from constipation and I didn't want her holding it in and making things worse.

After about 9-10 months of this, she did a poo on the toilet without any pressure or prompting from me. Within a week she was doing all poos on the toilet.

You haven't let your DS down, using pull ups for poos doesn't mean putting him in pull ups full time. He should be able to understand that if he needs a poo he asks for a pull up, its not really much different from asking to go to the toilet. Take the pressure off him and off yourself. Once it stops being an issue, it might stop being an issue IYSWIM.

Good luck, it will come, but let him do it at his own pace.

P.S. sorry for the essay.

myonlysunshine · 20/05/2010 13:41

Hi, your OP took me back to when my DTs were just over 3 and I felt very much the same as you. Potty training went ok for weeing, but only one of my DTs got the hang of pooing in the potty within a month or so. The other still asked for a nappy to poo in and wouldn't use the potty or toilet for it. This went on for about four or five months. He would get really upset if I tried to get him to use the loo. We had special seats, steps, spent a fortune! We backed off and let him have a nappy for poos without saying much about it. I eventually found a special childs plastic loo seat with ladder steps and handrails attached which seemed to make him feel secure - I think this, plus the passage of time, helped. We also got a couple of little potty chairs and sat them around the house (!) and (casually) encouraged him to sit on them with a picture book, even with pants on, to try and make him feel comfortable with them. I also got some childrens books about potty training which we read together. Eventually it just sort of happened, and he's fine now! I remember being very stressed about it at the time, though.

goldenticket · 20/05/2010 13:43

I like the idea of him wearing pants but asking for a nappy to do a poo in. That takes all the stress out of the situation for you and him.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 20/05/2010 13:44

Your DH is wrong. DS1 was nearly 3 before we even started potty training.

I would recommend backing off as well. Try a nappy on the potty for him to poo in to or just let him carry on and it he does poo in his pants just take him to get cleaned up and don't say anything about it.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/05/2010 13:44

I think this type of thing is more common than you think! We've just taken ds (2.6) out of nappies, and while he was really quick withthe peeing, I really thought we were going to be where you are with the poos- he seemed to be leaking little bits of poo (sorry, gross, I know!) into his pants about 10x a day, but if I put him on the toilet he was adamant that he wanted off, poo wasn't coming etc. One time he had started pooing and I plonked him on the toilet, he seemed quite distressed about the poo coming out, trying to get off the toilet etc, but finally there was a poo in the toilet- yay! He was shaky, but laughing, and he got a white choc mouse (he is very food-orientated- will have no truck with star charts!)

After this, however, he didn't poo for about 4d (other than the little bits in his pants!) Then on Sunday I sent him out to the garden with DH and DH took a potty, whereupon ds produced 5 poos in the potty in a row!! (not sure if the al fresco experience was a factor!) He was chuffed, got lots of praise, and has been keen to do it in the toilet ever since (well, fingers crossed!)

But that is just a fluke- nothing particularly that we did! I have known friends with a 4yo ds who insisted on having a nappy put back on to poo into! I've also read that children can be quite anxious about part of them slipping away down the toilet- and I think this is more common in boys.

So no really inspired solutions, I'm afraid, but wanted you to know that you are not doing anything wrong, and that it is a more common thing than you probably know (people don't tend to shout about potty-training problems from the rooftops, for some reason!)
I'm sure it will come. Ds is no 3 and I have had 3 very different experiences with potty-training, despite going about it the same way each time- no hard and fast rules. I know patience wears thin in these situations, though! I was trying to encourage my older children to take ds with them when they had a poo (although they were none too keen on the idea!) but he just seemed to suddenly crack it himself- might be an idea if he has older friends/ siblings???

myonlysunshine · 20/05/2010 13:44

sorry about the dense text, need to learn to use spaces!

meant to say, please don't feel like you've let him down. He will be ready when he's ready (easy for me to say now, I know!)

eeniemeenie · 20/05/2010 13:45

My DS was a late 'loo pooer', he was fully toilet trained for wee's but for ages after he would insist on pooing in a pull-up just before bed. I didn't stress about it and eventually he decided he would try the kiddy loo seat we got and hey presto!! Don't feel pressured by anyone, does anyone apart from you and your DH need to know? And tell your DH that your DS ISN'T THE ONLY ONE BY A LONG SHOT!!

nic1976 · 20/05/2010 13:54

I know this is going to sound utterly disgusting so hold your breath, we're going in...

Had a similar problem with my DD, no problem on the wee front, mastered it in a few days but months later she refused to do a poo on the loo. Spent hours chatting to her about it, got books on pooing, sang songs, did reward charts, tried out and out bribery, discussed it with nursery. We got precisely nowhere so I went out and bought a ton of cheap knickers that could just be thrown out when she poo'd in them and backed off completely.

At home and nursery we perservered with taking her to the potty and toilet to try and do a poo. Lo and behold one day she did a poo on the potty at nursery, almost by accident. She then looked at the poo and said 'oh look a teddy bear' and the very lovely nursery assistant explained it wasn't a teddy bear (!) but a poo and she said there was a dawning look of realisation on DDs face. As soon as lovely nursery lady told me I realised DD didn't even know what a poo looked like (cos we always whip it away in nappies/dirty pants) and/or hadn't made the connection that it was THAT stuff that was supposed to go down the toilet. Overnight she made the connection and started doing poos in the toilet.

Just like your DS my DD would have gone ballistic at the idea of a pull up/nappy during the day so it simply wasn't an option. That's why we opted for the cheap knickers that could be thrown out.

Latootle · 20/05/2010 17:07

i suggested this to someone else re the poo, try saying poo doesn't want to be squashed, and it likes to go down the toilet on an adventure and we have to wave him/her goodbye dont make a thing of it maybe when you want to go try the come and say happy adventure and so what if it looks like a teddy bear she was on the right road, to be ing fascinated to do it again and see what creature it came out liek???!!!!!!! good luck