Positive parenting advice required please

[BubsMaw]

Hi, I expect there's no quick fix trick for us here but if anyone has any pointers that'd be great.

My DD (4yo) is a bright wee soul, but she can be so needy and challenging at times, she really knows how to wind DH and I up. We recently had our baby DS, and since then things have got worse. I don't have as much time for DD as she or I would like (I swear she could wear out 5 parents at times!). Things often degenerate in the evenings when we're all tired, we often all end up shouting .

I have issues with the way I was parented, plus possibly anger issues, I try to not let this impact the way I bring up my kids but sometimes I feel like I'm failing. DH can be great at balancing the mood in the house but recently he's been getting worked up too, and sucked into all the shouting and disquiet.

We have introduced a star chart reward system for DD which has worked to a point. I've just read all the NSPCC on-line info on positive parenting, it all makes good sense and I think I'll order their parenting pack, but if anyone could point me in the direction of books to read, or just share your wisdom or success tips that would be great, thanks. I need some loving harmony back in our lives!

I'd recommend Dr Sal Severe's "How to Behave So Your Children Will". We had a rough time with our DS when he was about 4, and after feeling fairly in control, began to feel distinctly like we were losing it! Got to the point where I actually raised my hand to hit him (thank god I didn't, and it was after he'd thrown a wooden brick at my head!). This book turned us around , and things improved dramatically within about 2 weeks. Also The Secrets of Happy Children (and the follow up More Secrets of Happy Children - imaginative title!) by Stephen Biddulph - fantastic. Good luck and hang on in there.

You can read all the books you like but it is actions that will speak louder than words.

You should both be able to chat to her in words that she will understand.

Set out your expectation of the behaviour you expect of her and make sure that she knows that if her behaviour is less than expected there will be consequenses.

Make it clear what the consequences are to her, in bed half an hour earlier, turning the TV off etc etc

For good behaviour a great reward works a treat, a couple of hours out with Mum or Dad over the park, stay up for an extra half an hour etc etc.

Once you all know the ground rules you all know the appropriate action to take and this should minimise the shouting and screaming.

Easy said eh?

Stick with it though, that's the important thing

I would disagree that positive parenting involves star charts.
Alfie Kohn puts it better than me so hears a link:

www.alfiekohn.org/articles_subject.htm#null
Look at the Rewards and praise section.

What is it specifically your struggling with?

Hi, thanks for your replies. I'll look into that book and the link.

To be specific, DD is just so incredibly wilful. She refuses to brush her teeth, refuses to get dressed, or have her hair brushed, or hair washed. She refuses to get into the bath, then once finally in refuses to get out, refuses to tidy up, refuses medicine etc. etc. She'll hide, scream, wriggle and kick to prevent us from doing whatever it is that needs to be done. When she was younger and in nappies at nursery it used to take 3 members of staff to change her nappy, such was her dislike of it! (At home I had resorted to using a bit of brute force , the alternative was shit everywhere). Consequently she mainly looks a mess, hair unbrushed, sometimes perhaps unwashed, unmedicated (she should regularly be having inhalers for asthma, this is also a struggle) This evening in order to get her teeth brushed I tried a trick of getting her to stand on her head while I dived in with the brush while she was distracted, it was the best brushing she's had in a while so I was feeling pleased for a bit, but really shouldn't she just brush her dang teeth anyway ffs? She had a filling recently (aged 3!) I'm sure it's at least partly due to poor dental hygiene. She's always been like this but what has got worse lately is that she's also cheeky now so while refusing to cooperate she'll be a bit abusive, and also I guess DH and I are more tired than usual what with having second DC, so less able to deal with it all. Another thing though is that DD has always been terrible at night times, didn't sleep through til she was over 3 y.o. and still is wakeful often now. In the past she had night terrors, even from really young, I recall they started at approx 6 months age.

She's not all bad, she has great qualities too like I never need to worry about her behaviour e.g. in a restaurant or at a wedding she's great, she's a perfect little socialite and has lots of nice friends, she's compassionate, she has never hit or bitten another child. She's bright and I'm confident she'll make the transition well to school, she's more than ready to go. She does listen to what I say in some ways e.g. will hold my hand in car parks, eats fruit and veg if asked to. She can play quietly e.g. is a whizz at jigsaws, will sit to do art and craft if adults join in, etc.

What prompted this post though, and all my anxiety about this, is that things have come to a head recently, my normally mild mannered and patient DH lashed out in anger at her, smacked her quite hard. This obviously didn't help the situation at all. He did apologise immediately to her, said it was an 'accident' and he didn't mean to hit her so hard. I'm really worried about where it's all going from here, we need to make changes now.

Poor you . As I said in my previous post, we'd got to the point that you're at now I think! Feeling like we were losing our tempers with him all the time and I definitely came close to doing what your dh did. Obv only speaking from our experience but Dr Severe's book (hate that name though!) was amazing. Good luck.

Try to find things to praise her for every few minutes. It will boost her self-esteem which may be a little fragile due to new baby.

It only has to be tiny things like "I like the way you were careful with that book" or thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone". She might have been quiet because she was watching tv but that doesn't matter. If you get into the habit of praising her she'll begin to enjoy the positive attention. Try hard to praise tha positive loads more than you pick up on the negative.

Also make sure she understands your expectations very clearly. If you decide that you need her to stand still while you clean her teeth then insist that it happens and be prepared to keep her at the bathroom sink until she does it, every morning and night. If you give in you'll be back to square one. If you don't have time then don't start it - leave it til later. If she thinks she can change the rules by pushing the boundaries she'll push a lot harder so be clear and firm.

Try to pick a time when she's not demanding attention and offer it to her. It would be easy to take advantage of a quiet few minutes for a thousand other things,I'm sure, but invest this time now and it will pay dividends. Just make it a quick story not a full blown art project. She'll appreciate you coming to her for something nice

Good luck

From my limited experience, I would second the suggestions of finding small portions of time to be with her, talking at her level, and finding things to reward. Also ignoring the bad behaviour when possible, rather than challenging it, and explaining that you don't talk to people who are shouting, or you don't play with people who hit, etc.

For example, when you have to do something you know she will object to, plan it for when you have a few minutes, don't have the baby with you (2nd children have to spent less time being mollycoddled than PFBs!). Try to think imaginatively about how she might be motivated to do it, according to her temperament eg. brushing her doll's teeth, or avoiding another trip to the dentist, or being a big girl, etc.

My DD has some of the same attributes (she's 3 and a younger sibling but demands attention too!) and an amazing ability to suddenly change - either to exactly the opposite to what she was recently objecting to, or to surpising me by doing what I was asking when a moment ago she was strongly objecting!

Another interesting book (if you have time for reading!) is Playful Parenting. It's all about turing interactions with children into play... I find that when I'm short of time, busy and stressed, I really don't want to play - but through lots of examples this book shows how well children respond to you joining in at their level (when they want you to) and it can make them much more settled and less likely to object when you need to ask something of them.

My final recommendation would be to try to spend time with people who you think do this well, and see if you can observe/absorb some of their approach and ability to rise above the stress.

Good luck! And to quote mumsnet "this too will pass"!