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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Does anyone know about pre-schoolers and memories???

22 replies

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 14:42

ie - how likely would it be that DS3 (who will be 3 next week) would remember, and be able to tell me briefly (even if a few details were inaccurate - but key things were there) what he remembered of something that happened nearly 8 months ago.

It's a co-incidence yes? And he's just got a vivid imagination??

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Meglet · 18/05/2010 14:45

DS remembers when his little sister was born and he was only 22 months at the time. He remembers bouncing a ball down the corridor of the hospital.

I remember being at playschool when I was 3 and we celebrated the queens golden jubilee.

Pennies · 18/05/2010 14:47

I remember being in pre-school aged 3 and having naps there. I also remember being told that I would take the pattern off my bowl if I kept scraping it (I was rather enjoying the rice pudding!). So, it's possible.

SoMuchToBits · 18/05/2010 14:49

When ds was this age I took him to Norwich on the train. When we were waiting for the train home, we ate some cheesy biscuits, left over from his lunch box. Several months later we took the train from Ipswich to Felixstowe. While we were waiting for the train he said "Have you got any cheesy biscuits Mummy? We had some last time we went on the train." He had obviously remembered the association of vheesy biscuits and train travel from several months earlier.

Original poster

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 14:50

bugger - thanks for replying - not the replies I was hoping for sadly. As I really had hoped that DS3 had been too young at the time to really have any memories of it

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schmee · 18/05/2010 14:53

I've been pondering this one myself...

I got out a balloon from the cupboard last week and my three year old said - ah, the ones from Daddy's birthday (which was in August). I'd totally forgotten. We have loads of balloons in the house, this was just a particular striped kind.

He also remembered having cheese dippers at a christening over a year ago and told me exactly where to find a book holder that I last used at Christmas.

He's beginning to freak me out a bit - is this normal..??

SoMuchToBits · 18/05/2010 14:54

But sometimes I think toddlers remember things for a few months, but then forget them again a few years later. Ds has certainly done this with regard to things that happened when he was a pre-schooler. (He is 9 now)

Poledra · 18/05/2010 14:55

My niece was 2.5 when she was a bridesmaid at my wedding. Over a year later, she was in the car with my sister and said 'Mummy, do you remember when Aunty Poledra was a bride and I had a pretty dress and Daddy danced with me?'

Butterpie · 18/05/2010 14:56

DD1 turned three in March and often talks about a picnic we had last summer, but sometimes does recognise pictures of her uncle who died more recently than that, and we really make an effort to keep that memory alive.

So, it could go either way.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 18/05/2010 14:56

My 2.6 y/o will remember something that happened seven months ago.

Butterpie · 18/05/2010 14:57

she DOESN'T recognise her uncle. Sorry, bfing and typing don't mix!

Blocka · 18/05/2010 14:59

Hi toccatanfudge, you say this wasn't the answer you were hoping for, meaning you want your DS to forget something that happened. I would say leave it alone unless DS shows signs of distress at remembering the event - and if it is bad enough that you think the memory will harm them emotionally, seek professional help.
It may be s/he will have forgotten about it already, but if you that concerned, I wouldn't leave anything to chance and I would speak to someone about it.

Original poster

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 15:02

I just had a chilling conversation with DS3, made me feel sick.

He was sat on my knee having a cuddle, out of the blue he suddenly said

"daddy's not here"

told him no he's at his house.

Then he (DS3) moved on my knee and stuck his boney bum (only bony bit he's got) into my thight and I said "oww you hurt me"

What he made next made my stomach flip

"Did daddy hurt you"

After an initial moment of shock I asked him "when" (he gets "where" and "when" mixed up)

and said "round there (pointing with his hand), at the garden door, near the fr...."

The only questions I asked were very simply "what" "where" etc - in response to what he said - rather than leading him.

He said I was on the floor and was kicking.

A few things he also said didn't occur - but all of the above is totally accurate for what happened to me in September

It was just so random and out of the blue and I'd hoped to go he hadn't really "registered" any of it

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AMumInScotland · 18/05/2010 15:03

I think from about 2 1/2 ish they will remember odd things, though not in a consistent way.

You're obviously bothered by the thing he remembers - but is he bothered by it? I have a clear memory of something which happened that age, when my mum threw something - but I never had any feeling in my memory about how upset she must have been to have done it IYSWIM? It was just an "odd thing to have happened" memory without any emotional content, and it may well be the same for your DS. If he doesn't seem bothered, then don't pursue it, as you'll only add a layer of meaning which isn't there to start with.

Original poster

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 15:03

sorry x posts with Blocka there.....I'm not going to ask him any more, this came totally out of the blue

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AMumInScotland · 18/05/2010 15:05

X-posts there - I think unless he seems very upset at the memory, then don't pursue it. I guess if he mentions it again then maybe you could say something like "Yes it did hurt, but it's all better now"?

exexpat · 18/05/2010 15:05

I'm afraid they can have pretty strong memories at that age, specially if it is something unusual and/or traumatic. DS (now 11) still remembers going to visit me in hospital when he was two and a bit, and I know it is purely his own memory (not fed by anyone else's recollections or photographs), as he told me recently some details about the journey to the hospital with his dad, who died nearly four years ago.

I also remember being surprised when he was three that he told me in a lot of detail about some friends we had visited a year earlier, the toys he played with etc.

Original poster

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 15:05

I didn't think it had affected him at all, although his sleeping suddenly went Totally to pot about 2 days after........that is now (mostly) sorted.

It's kind of hard to tell with this age if anything has affected him or whether he's just a little sod rascal some of the time iykwim.

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Pennies · 18/05/2010 15:05

Oh dear, yes I can see how that must be upsetting you. .

I hope things are better for you now and just try to reassure your DS that you're OK.

Blocka · 18/05/2010 15:06

oh toccatanfudge, that must of been appalling for you both.
Firstly, you have done the absolute right thing and are no longer with the man who did this.
Secondly, he may remember but the memory might disappear if you don't make an issue out of it - but I would ask a professional about that first.
If it helps, my best friends mother was treated in the same way and her 4 children witnessed it regularly. They are now 4 of the most well-balanced, intelligent and emotionally sound women I know.

Poledra · 18/05/2010 15:08

Toccata, I did wonder if that was what had come up . He obviously does remember some of it, but fortunately, he's not old enough to have appreciated how serious it was. If it does come up again I second what AMumInScotland said - and maybe add 'Daddy didn't mean to hurt me, just like you didn't mean to' (when you stuck your bony backside into my leg, IYSWIM).

AMumInScotland · 18/05/2010 15:18

I think, if you can manage it, you just have to be matter-of-fact about it. Don't try to pretend it didn't happen to "protect" him, as children deal with things better when you acknowledge the reality of their memories and feelings. It just confuses them if you say "no it didn't happen", when their memory says it did. But you don't need to let on that it is important (though obviously as adults we all recognise that it is), it was just something that happened, and you're fine now, and it's not something that is going to happen again.

Original poster

toccatanfudge · 18/05/2010 16:37

Sorry - didn't mean to disappear - went to the school run and got collared by my BF to help move some stuff in church. Still was good as was able to tell her and she managed to keep me on an even keel and cheer me up.

Thanks for the advice for what to say, obviously I'd already discussed with DS1 and 2 in basic details that daddy had tried to hurt me but he didn't mean to (as they saw my face/eyes afterwards and daddy disappeared for 3 weeks with no warning) so haven't denied 2something" happened to any of them - but I'd not had to deal with DS3 with it so was a hell of a shock when he came out with that during a normal cuddle on my knee

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