A lonely DD

[Alvira]

My DD is a lonely child. She is desperate for a friend but is always excluded from the girl groups at school. She doesn't have problems at her classes outside school eg Girl Guides. It is only at school. The staff tell me that my DD isn't doing anything wrong. I have examined my daughter's behaviour by watching her from afar after leaving her at school. I can't see what she's doing wrong. She is 10.

It's around this age that girls can get really horrible to each other - you DD is very likely juts not 'fitting in'. My DD, now 13 had a rouch time through the 9-11 age with friends/not friends flip flopping dreadfully ... it all got much better with secondary school and more people rather than the smaller primary classes... I know it's not much help - but take comfort in the fact that she does have friends outwith school and focus on them for a bit rather than expecting her to be friends with those she happens to be at school with...

Alvira, I sympathise with you and your DD.

I'm coming to the conclusion that this is quite common. There seems so much pressure on children to have lots of friends, who they see out of school all the time.
I too worry about my DS's who are 10 and 8, not having 'special' friends.

I'm sure your DD isn't doing anything wrong. Perhaps she's just not found the right friends for her yet. People have said that it all changes at secondary school.

Thanks you both for your helpful messages. I am hoping that secondary school will prove to be a turning point. I like the mention of 'flip/flopping' because that's what exactly happens. One day a girl wants to be her friend and the next day it's another story. I notice that a lot of the mothers are the same too. Are mothers passing on these traits to their daughters?

I certainly am no longer friends with some of the mothers (you have a point with flip/flopping being passed on in some way) - some I'll still talk to but there was a huge expectation during priamry school that both kids and mums should be friends - then you add in schoolrun swopping and other taxi services and it all gets too much - I now do what I want (or DD wants) when we want to - not to fit in with any pre-conceived 'friendship' - sounds selfish I know, but is a lot less stress

Hrm ... old thread, lasting problem.

My oldest, 13 and very much a girl, is starting her 3rd season in secondary and hasn't found a single friend in school yet. Seeing her off on a school trip with her year before summer revealed that all her class mates ignored her, and it broke my heart seeing her sit alone in the bus, as the only one.

Problem is I think that she is very keen on learning - she does extremely well academically, but isn't really nerdy - possibly socially inept, but certainly not ugly, funny looking in any way - apart from being white in a predominantly coloured cohort.

She mentions she feels left out when the girls in her class do "the Jamaican thing" as she calls it - on query, that means being rude to the teachers, mainly. But obviously it means that the other girls quite naturally stick together with others that they find common ground with, and she is, I am sure, just trying to make believe she wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway. I do believe in the group thing though.

We have just been through a whole summer holiday where she hasn't heard a word from or seen another local teenager - she has been with other teenagers among friends we have gone visiting, but they only have boys or much older girls.

Sooooo ... problem is, what can we do as parents ? Should I look at another school, albeit that her younger sister starts at this school now on Monday, or has anyone any good ideas for where and how to get my daughter out there on the social scene ?

THat must be a very hard and painful situation.

Are there other groups your dd can be a part of outside school - dance, sport, music/choir, drama, church youth group, neighbours, girl guides/scouts, etc?

I know many people who try to keep 'fingers in different pies' so their dc can find a kindred spirit/acceptance elsewhere if one group goes 'sour'.

Yeah, tried Church Youth Group, which is great fun for her, but unfortunately without any similarly aged girls. Except one that she doesn't like, which I find shows good judgment, say no more.

Tricky bit is that whilst there are loads of sports on offer, there is not really much for her age for her interests - mainly art, cooking, books. I keep wondering whether she has picked up on those interests mainly because they are things she can do on her own ?

Anyway, she does not complain, does not seem to be particularly depressed, is a very gentle soul, happy when we go do things together, and is a rock looking after her two younger sisters, spreading oil on the water when they fight etc etc.

We did pick up a new interest on holiday though - archery - so I have been researching whether I could join something like that with her, hoping she would forge some new relationships there, but it just seems to me that if I am seen as the facilitator and the driving force in her finding friends, it comes out wrong. No matter, I would climb mountains etc. for her, but what's the right way ?

Oh yeah, forgot to mention the bloody brace ... she's got this bar going across the top of the inside of her mouth causing her speech to be slurred so she is not too confident speaking ... something I forget about because I am used to it, but maybe that explains it ... it has to stay in another 8 months, so no reprieve there in the interim.