Have I sent my DS to pre-school too soon, worst fears coming true

[bebespain]

Quick backgorund:I live in a country where children start school or pre-school the year they turn 3. DS1 turned 3 in December and is the youngest in his class

It is a full day 9-1 then 2 hour lunch break then back 3-4.30

It´s that or nothing, no flexibility.

I have had my reservations all along but I know he needed something as I am a SAHM in a country that doesn´t have play groups, toddler groups and the like, I have very few friends here with play mates for him

Anyway he seems to be becoming progressively unhappy, this was compounded by the one little boy he was playing with moving to another school in April.

Every day he tells me he doesn´t want to go but can´t really say why apart from that he wants to stay with Mummy

I have always been shy and lacking in confidence and my worst fear is he will be the same

This afternoon they had a bike/trike race and I went to watch him, it broke my heart to the point I ended up crying right there in the school playground

He just looked so alone and kept fiddling with the label in the neck of his top, something he has started to do when he is anxious, he kept his head down the whole time he was "racing"

He has also started biting his nails and I am beside myself with worry, he´s not even 3 and a half yet FGS

I have already spoken to he teacher and she says he is OK and doing well

There´s probably not much anyone can say apart from taking him out all together but today has upset me so much I cannot get his little face out of my mind

What have I done...

Hey, I had the same feeling about my DD when she started sttending 2s group. She's always been a sensitive wee soul, very clingy, and feels safest when mummy is around. I should add she is an only, and I am a SAHM.

However, we persevered as we agreed that it would do her good in the long run, but if she really didn't settle, then we would remove her and start her again at a later date.

Could you express your concerns to the teacher again, and ask them to give him some special one on one attention? Failing that, if he's really really miserable then just remove him. Kids are ready at different times, and it certainly won't harm him if he doesn't attend.

Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear that he (and you) are finding it difficult, I've been in your position, his first day at nursery when I picked him up he flew at my crying saying 'I'm sorry mummy, I won't do it again, I don't want to stay' he thought it was a punishment, it took me a while to be able to think about that without crying, it took a long time but eventually he settled, the staff there were amazing and I definitely felt he was in the best place. I guess you have to feel that in the long run he will, eventually, be happy there - that is the most important thing

Does he do 5 days a week? does he have to do 5 days? the first thing I'd think about was if he could have a couple of mummy days so the balance was more days with you than at nursery.

If there was no flexibilty, personally (and this is only personally) I'd take him out, wait till September and try again, children are ready at different times, round here children only go 5 mornings the year before they start school. I persisted with ds1 at nursery because I had to work, if I could have been at home my decision might have been different.
Don't worry about only having a few friends for him to play with, you only need 2 or 3 and if you can make some kind of play date one day a week or once a fortnight that will be great, plan some day trips and enjoy him being a baby, if he and you are upset you should have a rethink do what is right for you

I'm rambling a bit but hope that helps x

Do you speak the local language? So your son is learning how to communicate with the other children.
I have just moved back to the UK from Spain, a number of reasons, but 1 reason was the total absense of other children, playgroups and play parks (low birth rate = no demand for them).
I found it hard to make friends and socialise because my spanish was basic and not fluent. My son is just 1 year old now, but I think if we had stayed it would have been hard.
As for playgroups, they are an excellent source of social opportunity. If you have had your boy at home with you for 3-years, suddenly going to nursery will be a huge change and will take some getting used to, but I can assure you he'll love it in the end. I used to work with kids before I became a SAHM too.

Thanks everybody for the advice, much appreciated

I suspect as larakitten and verybusyspider say that he just isn´t ready. It must be a huge shock going from being with me literally all day evry day to this very strange place called school.

As I mentioned before there is no flexibility whatsoever, this is the way it is here,all or nothing. I spoke to the teacher in the beginning about him just doing mornings and she made it very clear that was out of the question. His place is full timeand that´s that kind of thing. My worry is that if I take him out he will lose his place and apparently its difficult to re-gain the place in September as they are taken up from 3 yrs, seemingly 99.9% of parents send their children to school as soon as they can....Its hard to know what to do

Yes TurtleAnn I do speak the language but I still find it very hard to integrate with local people, sorry to hear things didn´t work out for you...I often think about moving back but that´s not an option for now

Having campaigned against children in our country being forced to go to school too early, and having heard about Spain, I appreciate the difficulty of your situation.

On the plus side, he made one friend already. That suggests he's starting to have friendship skills. Friendship skills are transferrable.

On the other hand, it can't be that much of a disaster to pull him out. What would happen if you moved to Spain with a four year old? A five year old? What do those people do? Whatever it is, surely you could do it too when he wanted to go to school. When is compulsory school starting age there anyway?

I also understand better than I can say your comment about your own shyness and the fear of history repeating itself. You must work hard to separate this fear and your current isolation from your decision-making (easier said than done). Is your partner more confident?

Are you working there? If not, and you pulled him out, could you find other expats in similar position? over the internet, perhaps?

much sympathy, and good luck, but do remember that he isn't you (sorry if patronising but I struggle with this sometimes when the pit of my stomach falls through the floor after I observe some social failure of DS2's).

I also live in a country, France, where children start pre-school in the September of the calendar year of their third birthday. My DD is a November baby and was therefore not quite 2.10 when she started.

However she did not go to her local school and do full days, but to a private bilingual school that did 5 x mornings only, in 1/2 size classes, with part of the morning in English.

She didn't like it much and was often ill during the first year ie stayed at home with me.

Since she was 3.10 she has been going for full days in full sized classes. It has got progressively easier for her and she is now very settled indeed and ready to move up to primary in September.

Hang in there - it will get easier as your DS matures. Don't pull him out of school as it will be a nightmare for both of you to reacclimatise in a culture where 100% of children his own age go to pre-school.

lingle - what happens when children don't do the full three years of pre-school in France is that 95% repeat the first year of primary...

I do feel for you, I am in spain too and there is a woeful lack of playgroups and mums just don´t seem as in to the whole playdate idea, I tend to feel like a stalker if I so much as float the vaguest notion of getting together for coffee with the kids. are you sure all schools in your area have the split timetable? I know where I am this is something more common in ´concertados´ and not so much in 100% public schools where it is usually 9am - 2pm. is there a chance you could enroll him in one of these?

ds has been at nursery 9am-4pm for a while now so his transition shouldn´t be so tough but i specifically chose a public school for september start (he´ll be 3.5) as I didn´t want the split day (9am-12pm then 3pm- 5pm! what a pain).

as he is so young I imagine you could pull him out, send him to a private nursery say 9am-12pm til september then try again, he´ll then be the oldest in the class but there will be jan 2007 kids too so its not like he´ll be so much so. is this a possibility?

i just saw your latest message. this year is not compulsory for them but i think from 4 it is, though not sure, so I think they will be forced to find a place for him then though of course it may not be at the school of your choice. it is hard. we are sending ds to a village school 20mins away as we don´t have good criteria to get a decent chance at a good school.

Where are you? it is VERY hard to mix with local mums, people here tend to stick to family/old friends and are not as open to new friendships but are you sure there are no expat groups where you are?

Hi wanted to also join this thread too. I live in spain too and my daughter turned 3 the september she started pre-school. I had the same problems, she did not like going and just seemed really sub-dued when I picked her up. Then one morning, when we were walking to school she started having a full blown panic attack and begging and clinging onto me not to take her. I went straight home and balled my eyes out. Couldnt believe I put her through all that.

We decided to move pre-schools to one with a big garden and lots of outdoor space as the first one was above a shop and was really stuffy with no outdoor area to play. But if we had the same reaction I would have no way kept her there either. Luckily she loved it and is now so settled and has made friends.

I so understand what you mean and the afternoon session sounds like a nightmare. I dont know, there is not much of the term left and as you said you dont want him to loose his pLace.

However, i know a family who was in same position with their child, she told the school that they urgently have to go back to the UK due to family problems but they still wanted to keep her registered there for next september. So they got the rest of term off without jeopardising the child's place. I dont know, its a long shot but you could try it. Couls you also look at other pre-schools? that one sounds so full on. My DC is only from 9 til 1.45 and thats more than enough for her.

Also staring again next year sounds like a nice option as he will be the oldest in the class and probably feel much better that way.
Good luck, I know exactly how you feel!
where are you all you spanish mummies living? I also am finding it difficult to integrate even though though I speak reasonably well. I hate the school run as I feel like a loner!

I'm in Italy (obviously!) and it's the same system here. DD is only 21 months but she has been in nursery 2 days a week since she was 9 months old (I work part-time) and I really think it has been a very positive experience for her and I know it'll make the transition to pre-school much easier.
I was just wondering if there's any way you could keep him at home one day a week (mid-week maybe?) to give him a break without losing your place - surely it's up to you as a parent to decide if the child attends every day or not?
If you really aren't convinced he's happy, then withdraw him and try him somewhere else next year - maybe he just isn't ready.
Sounds like Spain is as bad for playgroups as Italy, but why don't you start one? I found being a mother has made for lots of acquaintances in the park and a few friendships have come out of it - I sometimes think it'd be a good idea to try to set up a group in the winter months...
good luck, whatever you decide!

Thanks everybody again for your comments!

Bonsoir - glad to hear it all turned out well in the end for your DD. Deep down I know you´re right when you say I shouldn´t pull him out. In the long run I think that would cause even more problems of a different kind

Maveta - its funny you mentioning the 9-2 timetable as its only recently I have discovered some schools do this and that would suit DS much better, its more than enough. Unfortunately there are only 2 schools in the near vicinity and neither of them have that timetable. I can´t imagine me getting a place in the next village as its doubtful I would get any points. (I am in Madrid province BTW)Its so annoying as being a foreigner I feel I am often out of the loop as to the way things work, if I had known about the different timetables when I initially applied last year then things may have been different, I just assumed all schools were the same

españamum and Maveta: I´m not sure what you mean when you suggest pulling him out and starting again in Sept so that he would be the eldest in his class? If I did pull him out he would simply start again in Sept in 2ª de Infantil, he would still be the youngest. That in itself also worries me but I don´t see any way round that

Anyway I have decided to stick with it as in reality there are few weeks left (I am counting them already!)and when he is tired and fed up I´ll simply keep him at home. I am going to look into some alternatives for Sept but I think that will be difficult because of where we live. I really don´t want to go down the private route or have to drive him far in the car...we shall see...

Oh and españamum I also feel like a loner on the school run. I am getting a little self-conscious as well as I make a big effort to try to intiate conversation but get very little back don´t know what I´m doing wrong?????

I doubt you are doing anything wrong, its just a cultural thing, people have a more village mentality and stick with the family and friends they know, they aren´t looking for new friends. or that is what i have found anyway. i know what you mean about not wanting to drive him but that is the choice we personally made, that a 20min drive each way to a better school would beat the advantages of a close-to-home and worse school.

i meant maybe you could take him back and start at first level infantil in september, not sure if this is possible? might be as they´ll feel he´ll have missed the whole first year and not be ready to go straight into second? worth asking anyway though it is hard as everyone seems very much to go along with ´the way things are´and no one really goes against the grain so its viewed as quite strange. having said that, even if he did go straight into second yes he would still be the youngest but he will be older himself and probably more confident and more ready for the demands of a regular school day so it might not be so hard for him. And if you could find a private nursery to send him a couple of mornings to help acclimatise him in the meantime all the better.

also i am a dec birthday and was always the youngest and it wasn´t a big deal..

got to dash catch up later all the best