6yo DS is saying he's a stupid pig and he wishes he was dead...

[KirstyJC]

What the heck is going on with him ?

He is a lovely boy and quite popular at school as far as I can make out. He is always talking about his friends and I know he plays with them at school, and also has friends in older classes that he plays with at after-school club. He plays wonderfully with his little brother and says he loves him.

He is fairly bright, although appears to have cloth ears - trying to get him to listen is a struggle at times but he can do things when he wants to.

In the last few weeks he has just started saying things out of the blue - the other morning on the way to school we were talking about something he had done the previous day and he couldn't remember a conversation. He then said he was a stupid pig and seemed upset - and later on said he wished he was dead!. He has since said similar things a couple of times and DH has said he has said it to him too.

I tried not to freak out but asked him whether he was having problems at school, which he said he wasn't. I asked about bullying and he says he isn't being bullied and that he would always tell a grown up if he was or if he saw anyone else being bullied (they are really hot on that at his school thank goodness). He couldn't tell me why he said those things and I didn't want to make too big a deal about it by keeping on at him.

We have thought really hard and we honestly can't see that we have said or done anything to make him say this, haven't called him names even in jest or anything like that.

Does anyone have any ideas what is going on? He is our eldest so we don't know if this is anything to be worried about. Is this possibly just part of his growing up and finding his sense of self? It is horrible hearing him talking like this and we don't know what to do.

Thanks

I'm so sorry to hear this, must be very hard for you to see. I only have toddler, so no help to offer re what 6yo might be experiencing, but can you point out the times that YOU forget things you only did yesterday, or 'should' know? Or might he be picking up on how you feel yourself when you do such things?

I remember when I was young my Mum used to often criticise herself for things, and sometimes I picked up that it was ME that was being criticised rather than her - it was only later I realised that she was being over harsh on herself and that her comments weren't aimed at me at all. Sadly 'being over harsh on self' is a trait my DH thinks I've picked up from her! So will have to watch myself with DS as he grows up...

Really hoping someone else can give sound advice.

My ds is 9 yrs old and does the same thing and has done for a couple of years. We feel same and it is horrible hearing him talk like that. I was about to post same message for advice as I'm not sure whether this is something we should be worried about or how we should react.

he's bullying himself! Poor LO. Its the sort fo thing people with depression say. Is he stressed, do you think?
I am no expert but if it were me, I'd work very hard to boost his self-belief and I'd take a very close look at how hard he is being pushed at school (or how hard is he pushing himself? Maybe too hard??).

This sounds like my DS - there is another thread around somewhere about 7yo boys and their illogical anger/self-loathing.

I am not saying I don't worry about it, because I still do, deperately, but I have stopped looking obsessively for event-based causes, and concluded that hormones are largely to blame.

My DS pushes himself far too hard, but that is something I don't think I am going to be able to change as he has always done it.

OP - my personal and entirely unqualified opinion is that the most important thing is that, when rational, they know that they are loved and valued and that we think they are great. There is about as much point arguing with my DS in his irrational moments as there would be in arguing with a toddler in mid-tantrum - I have to wait until he has calmed down.

I would have a chat with his teacher and see how he is getting on socially as well as in the classroom. If there is nothing wrong there then maybe discuss it with his doctor.

A lot of boys/ girls go through a traumatic difficult stage between 7 and 8 so it might be this that is causing it!

have a look at this thread, it might help or it might not.

xpost stealth found the thread

In an otherwise happy kid, as yours sounds, I really wouldn't worry about this too much at all. My twins are 11 and still do this sometimes when temporarily feeling v frustrated and/or out of sorts and/or fancying a bit of drama. I think they correctly sensed an ace card in the "I wish I was dead" gambit, which first emerged at around the age your son is at now, and knew they were onto a real winner when it elicited panicked parental concern on hitherto never experienced levels. These days they receive an eye brow raise and "erm, are you not being a leeeetle harsh on yourself, son?" type response because I realised in the end that it was just their way of saying "Fuck, I'm cross and I want everyone to know it and give me lots and lots of attention." I think it's easy to get a bit too hung up on this sort of thing because it plays on our worst fears, so it quite easily becomes the child's ultimate attention getter. A low key response that nonetheless offers a chance to talk through why they are feeling rubbish at the moment has worked well for us.

Your son sounds like my two in that you don't have concerns generally but are worried about this specific issue and if this is the case I hope my take on things is reassuring. However, if I've got it wrong and you are worried more generally that your son is unhappy at a deeper level, that is entirely different and I'd suggest seeking help from school/GP etc.

HTH.

Thanks for all your replies, it's good to know it's not only him that's like that and us that are worried!!

I do think he is generally happy otherwise, and we have no other concerns, apart from his fussy eating which he has always had and it actually getting a bit better now anyway. Also, when he said 'I wish I was dead' last time, he did then qualify it by saying that he was glad he was alive so he could eat chocolate......so maybe it's not too serious!

Interesting what you said Skegness about it being something that elicits a response - we have both actually been quite low key in our responses to him simply because we don't want to make it a big deal.

I will have a look at the other thread you linked to, thanks for that.

I will also bring it up at the next parents' evening too.
Thanks again all

Wow - just read the other thread. So we have another year of this?! Oh well, I'll stock up on wine and chocolate and perfect my 'hmm, that's nice dear' face.....

Thank goodness it appears to be nothing to worry about. I will still bring it up at the next parents' evening though.

Thanks guys!