HELP with my 12 yr old sonds behaviour/ attitude, HELP!!

[XboxWidow30]

OK, I will try and keep it short! My son was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic traits approx. 3.5 yrs ago.

He is 12 almost 13. He spends all of his time on the Xbox, doesn't go out AT ALL, apart from school which is apparently a waste of time. His language when on the Xbox is awful. He gets cross when playing games etc...

He is rude and has severe attitude towards myself and my husband and is violent with his 6 yr old sister.

Some mornings its a nightmare to get him out the door to school. He hardly eats, well I say he hardly eats. He eats rubbish, is a very fussy eater and has no real balance to his meals etc....

Bedtime should be 9 but its a miracle if he gets into bed before 10 and then it takes him ages to get to sleep so then tired in the mornings. He goes to bed with his school clothes on.

We have tried everything. If I could I would follow him around and make sure it all gets done properly but he is the eldest of 4 and its not always easy to watch over him to make sure he does things like get his pyjamas on at nighttime. I would just like to think that at nearly 13 that is something I could leave him to do by himself.

At my wits end, any advice and tips would be more than welcome. Thank you in advance.

well, the first thing I woulkd do is remove the xbox- perhaps have it downstairs and limit use of it

then enrol him in some kind of club- sports, chess, anything! just something to get him out of the house and socialising

i wouldn't owrry about what he wears to bed, but I would insist on him being IN bed and the lights off at 9pm so that he can get a decent night's sleep

Hi thisisyesterday.

He loves football but started at a club and then didn't want to continue. My mum also took him to visit a scout group but he didn't want to go. He gets very unsettled with anything new.

For example; Towards the end of the summer hols last year I decided to surprise the children with a day trip to London. However, because he didn't know where we were going and what we were doing he got very upset and verbal with me. In the end I told him and he was ok.

Xbox definately needs to start being limited, we always say that and never stick to it but we really need to. Its not easy as all of his friends are on there all of the time too.

The clothes in bed is an issue because he then goes to school in them in the morning again. I do go on at him constantly both at night to get pj's on and in the morning to get changed again.

do any of his friends do anything out of school? maybe he'd be more inclined to go if he already knew someone there?

Am teacher, not parent so apologies if ideas way off mark but

Could you start a big visual calendar with slots for breakfast/lunch/bedtime etc. He may find choice and uncertainty overwhelming so you could give him a limited list of breakfasts to choose. It's then easier to to show him when he can do Xbox and when not. DEF needs to be limited.

You will need to accept I think that unfortunately he will need more help than other 13 yr olds (who I think need more help than you think anyway)

The rudeness and violence needs to be 'zero-tolerance' IMO. So if he is violent to sister he loses one hour xbox privilege. BUT also needs to be coupled with nipping in the bud and giving strategies for what to do instead. Label his emotions for him. So if you see he is getting annoyed, remove him, talk to him. You are cross with your sister, aren;t you? Let him get it out with you. Maybe let him throw some cushions. And then say what he needs to say, calmly to her.

Have you seen the Ed psychologist at school? They will be able to give you some practical strategies. Good luck x

(oops, mean 'teacher of teenagers with ADHD, not parent of teenagers')

hi there- i do feel for you- it is hard work being a mum!

from someone who has a child who sounds pretty similar to yours- this is what I have done recently- and although he has bad times, basically my son is SOOOOO much happier and better behaved.

1. I have stopped buying rubbish food. Unfortunately this means the whole family misses out on biscuits etc. I stocked up instead on fruit. I buy cereal that is not totally saturated in sugar. I have stopped buying chocolate milk etc... the snacks he filled up on. He would never eat much supper because I was letting him eat this stuff. Packed lunches are the same now too. He moaned about it for a while- but I just stuck to it. And yes he is VERY fussy- but I believe that is basically my fault. His brother and sister are not fussy.

1. Homework rewards- for each piece of homework he does to my satisfaction he gets a reward voucher. For 3 vouchers I will give him £1.50. Costs me money- but then I have saved that on my shopping bill!

1. Limit TV and computer. NO TV or computer in bedroom. He can only watch TV etc after he has done his homework.

1. Bedtime is 8.30 if he is going to read- or 9pm otherwise. No arguements and no special nights when he can stay up later. If he is watching something then I will record it so he can watch it another time.

1. I have begun to realise how much time I spent telling him off. He too often sleeps in his clothes and wears them the next day! Anyway- I have started to praise him loads more and tell him how much I love him etc... If I ask him to do something and he does it then he gets a big hug/smille/kiss whatever.

1. AND STICK WITH IT!!!!

Hope some of that helps. Good luck- it requires some real determination to stick to it- we went through a lot of 'I HATE YOU!!!!!YOU ARE SO MEAN!!!! and worse...' I just count slowly in my head and move away from him. I will not be brought in to his anger.

Hi honeyapple only just seen this. Gosh, they sounds so similar!

I have a VERY fussy eater, but will try on the junk food thing I think!

All of what you have written is really helpful, he is definately into the visual side of things. I'e; reward charts, list of things to do, timetables etc....

Thank you everyone.

good luck!

My DS has started saying 'LOVE YOU!' when he leaves for school in the morning- wow! It used to be 'I HATE YOU!'