how to help my DT1

[HarrogateMum]

I have boy twins aged 5 in reception class. DT1 is quiet and shy and sensitive and goes along with whatever his brother wants to do. DT2 is not massively outgoing but more than his brother. They are in the same reception class and tend to play together as well as with a handful of other children.

When I dropped them off today the teacher told me she is worried about DT1, he says he feels sick every time they come in from play and withdraws. He has started taking things from school and bringing them home. At home he is a lovely little boy but never wants to do anything - i.e. "shall we go swimming?" "Nooo dont want to". "Shall we go to the park? Nooo dont want to". All this accompanied by lying on the floor and kicking his legs. I helped out at church Sunday school yesterday and whilst all the other kids get involved and do colouring, he sits on the floor or goes behind a curtain and wont join in.

Every day he says oh no not school again. Its breaking my heart not knowing what to do. I've tried talking to him but he says "no-one wants to play with me". He tends to want to live in his own world a lot for instance at the moment he is obsessed with Indiana Jones and says people dont want to play his Indiana Jones games so he doesnt play with them. I want him to be happy and I dont know what to do...whether this is just normal behaviour and I'm comparing it to his brother or if there are deeper issues going on.

Any thoughts/similar experiences would be great to hear. Thank you to anyone who replies. Sorry if this is garbled, I'm rushing as I have an exam this afternoon and need to go..not had the greatest of mornings revision!

Just bumping for you HG, hoping someone will be along soon with advice xx

I can feel for you as my DDT1 is fine and has been from the minute she was born, DST2 can be v difficult, feels as though I spend more time with DDT1 than him and it has taken him longer than her to settle and make friends we were still having issues when he started reception in September '09.

First point would be to speak to his teacher and ask her to keep an eye on him in the playground also ask her to speak to the dinner ladies. Are there any lunchtime groups he can go to without DT2. Have you asked if he is being bullied or boys picking on him at school.

Also ask the teacher who does he interact with in the class when they are doing group work, prehaps ask that child back from school.

Can the twins be put in different classes as DT1 can feel overshadowed by DT2 which is very common when twins are in the same class.

I would also contact TAMBA who are the Twins aand Multiples Birth Association. and they have a confidential line that you can call and can give you some good advice - I don't have there number but TAMBA is on the internet.

I hope this helps.

PS - I hope the exam went well.

hello HM! Is it just that he hasn't really settled in or made many friends and he is feeling lonely and comparing himself to his brother? I have found with my DS who started reception last september that the boys in his class, and him, have apparently all taken a while to settle in and thrash out problems and friendships. I've also discovered that things are very different in the classroom and the playground and that it is very possible for a 4 year old to entirely keep a problem of this kind secret from both you and the teacher!! My little lad had difficulty with another boy when they were competing for another lad's attention. There was some falling out and fighting for a while when Connor was telling me he was dealing with it appropriately and even making up things that his teacher had said without speaking to her at all. It is all sorted out now but it came to a head when I called his teacher who said Connor hadn't spoken to her at all and there had been a small issue in the classroom which they had sorted out. Not being as popular as you would like in the playground or not getting the attention of the person you'd like is probably one of the most difficult things to cope with about being little I reckon. If it is just loneliness with your DS then it might be compounded by having a brother he thinks is better than him socially. I'm not sure whether I'd want them in separate classes if it was me - there's a certain amount of me that says 'learn to live with reality' but another part that says 'let him establish himself away from his brother'... anyway, it may be a making friends issue so perhaps inviting some of the class round for playdates or out of school activities and getting his teacher to see if she can get him more included in the various games all with working on boosting his confidence and self esteem and talking things out is what I would do.

thanks guys..I appreciate your thoughts. I am going to have them split up next year, I think its the only way DT1 will come out of his shell and stop living in DT2's shadow...

I'd think very carefully before splitting them up. If he were happy in his brother's shadow I'd say fine but he is clearly very unhappy at school. I would ask for a visit from the educational psychologist who can come in and observe him and hopefully identify what is making him so unhappy.

You sound like you are worried about his social interaction in general. If he is finding socialising hard,it may be that being with his brother is making a difficult situation bearable for him. Perhaps go and see your GP and chat about your concerns without your son there. It is important that you get to the bottom of this and that he is happy at school because if he is stressed there he won't be able to learn.

Hi Al1son..thanks for your note. It was the teacher who suggested splitting them up and infact today she said he was absolutely fine yesterday after making the comment. I have queried with her before if we need to get someone external in but she says no, he is a perfectly normal little boy, just more sensitive than others. Oh, why does it have to be so hard!

Your heart breaks when they're in school and you're not sure they're ok doesn't it?

I would still trust your instincts if you have worries. Lots of your post wasn't about school and I think that speaks volumes.

Teachers do seem to have a bit of a thing about splitting up children who are close but I'm not sure there's much theory to back it up. Has she done any observations on your son's social interaction? I wouldn't expect her to recommend anything without having observed him in the classroom and the playground with a particular focus on his interaction with his twin and other children.

If your concerns continue and he continues to be unhappy then do start to push for some help for him. If his behaviour doesn't cause problems for the school they are unlikely to call in outside agencies. The problem is that children who are quietly unhappy get overlooked which is stores up problems for the future.

Have you had a heart to heart with him and asked him what you could do to make school better for him? He may have some good ideas himself.

Wow, you really have my sympathy as I am seeing a massive contrast in my very communicative dd and my ingenious but quiet ds, who sometimes opts out of group stuff when he gets frustrated. Luckily he generally manages to do this without much fuss at Playgroup, but school looms ahead...

It sounds as though DT1 is a completely normal little boy who like many boys finds communication tricky. Some would possibly try and pigeon-hole him with some condition or other when, in fact, he just has a very male brain who will not engage with others unless he chooses to. There is going to be a lot of pent up aggression in there which, given his sensitive nature, he may not want to give vent to in front of DT2. Normally, kids will unwind a bit when they get home from school, but that may not be easy for DT1, as DT2 is always there. I would try to find a weekend or after school club / activity that DT1 can do without DT2.

DT1 really needs a chance to shine in his own right! My twin friends at school only really came out of themselves when they did different college courses!