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Original poster

depressed 9yo who says "I want to be dead" - how to handle?

28 replies

WitchShoesToWear · 09/05/2010 23:23

DS1 is 9.5yo and over the past 18 months or so the " I want to die" theme has occurred increasingly. This weekend he's been unwell, and has said it an alarming number of times, probably at least every hour and when he's really cross or upset he says it over and over.
This is "too close to home" for me to be able to see what the best thing is to do to help him, has anyone got any experience to share with me?

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SpringyWho · 09/05/2010 23:26

I don't know him, obviously, & my DS is only 1, so I have no experience, but it sounds like he's aware that it gets a reaction? IME, kids like to be melodramatic & become curious about the concept of death, so talk about it a lot - if he knows that it worries you, then it may be an attention thing? (& lots of people say that they 'want to die' when they're unwell without meaning it at all!)

Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 09/05/2010 23:28

possibly. On the whole I thought we were guilty of under-reacting as both DH and I work in SEN and work with people with massively challenging behaviour, thus anything our own dc do tends to get pretty much ignored. But kids are wise as you say and I have no idea if our face or gesture gives away the worry that there really is.

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Dominique07 · 09/05/2010 23:30

Is he really depressed or is he just going through a phase? I'd say distract, distract, distract. Make plans for what you're going to do together at the weekend, ask him to come help the dishes and plan the summer holidays, ask him what he'd like to do, if you should look online together at possible days out...

EightiesChick · 09/05/2010 23:32

I can't speak from any experience but can imagine how worrying this is for you (I have a DS but younger). How have you been responding when he says it? Have you asked him 'What do you mean?' or 'Why do you say that?'

Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 09/05/2010 23:42

distraction does work,and thanks dominique I will do more of it too, along the lines of the stuff you suggested.

Yes 80s chick I have asked him (counsellor-fashion, lol) "what does it feel like" / "what makes you say that" and so on, he blames it on being "stupid" - which no-one is ever allowed to say as he's severely dyslexic. He also blames his head being "fuzzy" and says his brain hurts or his brain (or eyes) doesn't work I sort of think I get what he's saying, his visual processing difficulties are clearly a huge issue for him, but why he gets himself so down and stressed about it is beyond me

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EightiesChick · 09/05/2010 23:59

Oh, bless him. Sorry, can't really offer any useful advice but hope things work out for you.

Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 10/05/2010 00:01

ty
I can't figure out whether I need to do something or if it's just what loads of 9yo's do...

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SpringyWho · 10/05/2010 00:41

Bump this again in the morning - I feel sad for him (& you!) & I'm sure lots of other people will want, and be able to help.

EightiesChick · 10/05/2010 10:38

bump for you WSTW

SpringyWho · 10/05/2010 15:55

Bump.

instructionstothedouble · 10/05/2010 16:02

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instructionstothedouble · 10/05/2010 16:08

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SpringyWho · 10/05/2010 17:02

I found the thread you said, instructions:

Here

Jamieandhismagictorch · 10/05/2010 17:06

DS1 (9 and a half) says this too, and i swing wildly between thinking he is suffering from depression, and as others have said - thinking he says very emotional things to get my attention. I have encouraged him to be emotionally expressive, and sometimes I feel it has come back to bite me on the bum ......

Like your son, his self-esteem is wobbly, and I don't want to discount this as an expression of him feeling crap at times. But whilst he is sleeping and eating OK, and able to enjoy himself, laugh and joke, I try not to worry too much that he truly is depressed.

I also look for opportunities to raise his self-esteem (Cubs is good for that), and point out to him times when he has found things hard but still managed them. CBT-type stuff.

I have no answers for you but it might help to know you aren't the only one worrying about this (A friend says her dd says similar things about wishing she were dead or "I want to kill myself". Very hard to hear .....

thumbwitch · 10/05/2010 17:07

Ello witch - sorry to hear about your DS's strange, sad thoughts.
I know you work in SEN - do you have any truck with Educational Kinesiology? have you tried him on it? Can be very good for some dyslexics.
No other experience to offer - and I'm sure you've tried all the "focusing on the positive" stuff to give him good feelings about himself and see that he has abilities in other areas, even if he has troubles in some.

Hope he is just attention-seeking/ being melodramatic and that he grows out of it soon.

instructionstothedouble · 10/05/2010 17:32

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juicy12 · 10/05/2010 17:35

Hi. DS is 6 and has recently started on the i wish I was dead, although this is often coupled with a "then you wouldn't be my parents" line too . But, when we press him on it and explain that'd mean he couldn't see GPs, DD, all his friends, play with his fav toys, watch fav progs etc, he then gets very upset. I think he's learnt from somewhere/someone that this kind of emotive language will get a response, so he feels quite powerful. Don't think he understands the content of what he's saying IYSWIM. It's horrible to hear, and hard to brush off, but with my DS anyway, I'm sure it's attention-seeking.

cocolepew · 10/05/2010 17:35

I would take him to see someone tBH, GP or therapist. my DD has CD which manifests itself in suicidal thoughts. I would want to rule out anything serious.

Good luck

maltesers · 10/05/2010 17:41

I hope it turns out alright...just give him lots of hugs and make him know he is loved and special. If he reacts badly to not getting his own way or being told off, just say after things have calmed down that you love him and want him to behave./ do as he is told because you want him to be well liked in this world and not a spoilt person who people dont like. Say you care about him so much and want the best for him; and tell him if he says those words again, "well I dont wish you were dead, i love and care for you very much".
My 9.8 yr old DS hasnt said that he does get angry though if he doesnt get his own way.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 10/05/2010 17:51

cocole - how old is your DD, if you don't mind me asking? And when did you become aware of it? Must be vv hard for you. I dread it really. My dad suffers from depression

cocolepew · 10/05/2010 18:03

She's 12, this started in Nov. when she was still 11. Looking back she was starting to show signs at around 10 yo, but not as blatant as your dS.

She has intrusive thoughts, she can't get rid of them and they all involve cutting her wrists, she had therapy and cbt and is vastly inproved. She not depressed but suffers from anxiety linked to a medical conditon.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 10/05/2010 18:07

Oh blimey. That's crap.

Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 10/05/2010 21:45

firstly 80sChick thank you so much for bumping the thread this morning, you're a little star.
Lots of stuff here to work through, I've read once and am off back to re-read. Got a big lump in my throat now - you are all so lovely.

Thumb, yes I do bits of [mostly Applied] Kinesiology with him, also various sorts of massage to help him settle in the evenings or when he's wound up, guided imagery, all kinds (as you might imagine).

Jamie, your ds sounds quite similar, and my ds1 does cubs and judo for precisely the same reason, it seems to build his confidence a bit. Am going to go back for another read of everything - but a huge thank you to everyone who has posted

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Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 10/05/2010 21:47

coco, I'm not sure what the CD is that you mention? it's obviously something you know a lot about and I think I need to know a bit more

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Original poster
WitchShoesToWear · 10/05/2010 21:49

sorry I keep posting bits, Thank you Springy for the link and the bumping!

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