Help with 4.5yr old DD tantrums. DH not coping well.

[mumof3tobe]

Our 4.5yr old DD started the terrible 2's at 3yrs when we moved to Canada. I have almost consistently put her in her room and held the door until she has calmed down, then told her she can come out when she decides to be good, as sometimes she's not ready to come out as she is still sulking. Sometimes she falls asleep in there so I open the door a bit so she knows she can come out when she wakens up.

The last few months DH has decided himself that it would be a good idea to take toys away from her if she doesn't answer and on occasion smacked her (i don't agree with it and have told him). He has even tried to put her on the step but that just makes her worse as she is soo stuborn that she will just keep getting off even if you were to sit there for an hour.

The past couple of weeks I have told DH that the only way of dealing with her is to put her in her room and hold the door until she calms down. I can do this but DH can't stand listening to her kick the door and wants to go in a smack her. (he hasn't done this and usually asks me to take over and hold the door). DH wants to do something else that he might be able to handle but I can't think of anything. I want to keep up with putting her in her room and this phase will pass and she will get the message.

We also have 2 DS, DS1 is 6.2yrs and DS2 is just over 8 months old. DS1 is just a typical boy with loads of energy and will go to his room for time out.

So I just don't know what to do with DD.

Sorry for the long post, hope you got to the end!

hold the door? seriously?

she needs to learn to stay in there without the door being held shut

Hm, you've been trying this method for 1.5 years so I would suggest it's not working.

What triggers these tantrums and how often does she have them? This would inform how I dealt with my 5yo DD's tantrums.

What happens if you just ignore them?

They seem to make your DH feel really angry - which is fair enough, tantrums can do that to me too. I think he needs to work on that though and try and find a method of keeping himself calm while your DD is tantruming. His anger - however he expresses it, removing toys, smacking, is surely only going to fuel your DD's anger.

I agree totall with MrsGravy

Can you give DD lots of praise and little treats (stickers, painting her nails, spending time just the 2 of you )when she does good things, use the star chart system.

Once she has had the tantrum talk to her about it and ask her what is wrong and suggest that the next time she thinks she is going to have a tantrum tell her to sing a silly song until she feels better then to talk to you.

Not long after I wrote this I spoke to my mum about DD and that helped a lot as we talked about her and sometimes you just need to take a step back and rethink things through.
I have been spending more time with all the kids and that has made a big difference especially on DD she is now not having many tantrums and answering better, also I remind her that she is being a good girl before they start. Just sitting on the floor instead of the couch helps them come over to me and interact better.
The house work is suffering a little but something has to give to have happy kids you want to be around with.
Also ignoring the tantrums and not arguing with her over the little things has also helped.
The other day I reminded and praised her that she has been a good girl today and not had any tantrums, she said "that's because I have been making good choices today".
It won't change over night but we are getting there.