Separation Anxiety - how to handle it?

[Agingmumoftwins]

I've got 8.5 month old DTs, and DTS seems to be suffering separation anxiety at bedtime.
The last couple of nights he's screamed the house down when we try to put him to bed.

He takes his bottle fine, gets all drowsy as usual, but as soon as I lay him in his cot and go to leave the room he cries and screams.

We have been whipping him out of the room (as he's stopping his twin sis from getting to sleep), and I lay him in a bouncy chair next to our bed and stay with him till he's asleep (I then pop him back into his own bed). Is this the right thing to do, or am I making a rod for my own back? It's awful to hear him cry like his heart's breaking, as he's usually such a cheerful little boy!

Only do this if you're prepared to do it for a long time. He will just begin to see going in the bouncy chair as part of his bedtime routine.

What happens if he wakes in the night and you're not there? Does he go back to sleep or do you have to do it all again.

If he can go back to sleep in the night he can do it at bedtime. I would suggest putting up with the crying but staying fairly near so you can keep popping back in every couple of minutes to reassure him. It is really hard to let them cry. It can feel like it's ripping your guts out but if you persevere you may find that he gets the idea that he's staying in the cot quite quickly.

He does need to learn to go to sleep on his own and the best place is obviously in his cot. Could you put them both down a little earlier so he has chance to settle without his sister losing sleep?

One other thought - you could give him a jumper or T-shirt that you've just been wearing so it smells of you. That could give him enough security to settle.

I hope you manage to sort this out before it becomes a habit. Happy, relaxed bedtimes make such a lovely end to the day if you can get them.

Hi Alison, yes he resettles himself fine through the night, and settles down for daytime naps with no problems! He also used to go down at nights ok, in fact I've always felt lucky that they've both settled down really easily!

Thanks for the advice, I'll try getting him out of the bath and ready for bed a few minutes ahead of his sis, so hopefully we can get worst of the crying out of the way before she goes to bed. I'll try giving him something I've worn too, see if that helps.

I know nothing about twins, but my daughter has always been very clingy and major sep anx

I did nothing to influence her sleep. She was a 'bad' sleeper from birth; at 8 months we were still at 3-4 wakeups a night. At 8.5 months you are heading into the 9 month regression, which is awful and horrible and horrendous and TEMPORARY. So that's the first time - this will pass on its own.

Also, rod for your back; well, yes and no. I did nothing to influence my daughter's sleep at all, she was rocked to sleep (never put down awake) forever. And then at 12 months she changed what she wanted to happen - she still needed to be put down asleep, but she no longer wanted a night breastfeed. And at 16 months she suddenly stopped needing to be asleep. At 17 months I give her a bottle, put her down in her cot awake, give her her teddy and go.

That might seem like a long time away. But all I mean to say is, the 9 month regression is brutal for some children, but you won't ruin them by doing what comes naturally to you - this will pass.

Can I hijack this thread slightly please? My 12mo DD, who was 3 months prem so developmentally 9mo, has DREADFUL sep anx. I can't walk out of the room for a moment before she's screaming - in fact, I can barely walk from one side of the room to the other. If I leave the room and she's with DH, there's a chance she'll still cry.

On Monday I'm leaving her with a friend for 2hrs to see how she copes. I hate the thought of her screaming for 2hrs. But maybe she won't.

Am I being mean?

No I don't think you're being mean. I know it's awful to hear them cry, but you do need to retain your own sanity!

I think I'm lucky that mine is mostly at bedtime, and they're both fine with DH as well. (Actually last night DTS was fine, he was sooooo tired he couldn't summon up the energy to cry I think - will try this ploy again tonight!)

If you think she will scream for 2 hours can you go somewhere not far away, so you can get back a bit sooner if your friend needs you to?

Thanks for the support. Glad DTS was fine last night - hope it works tonight too!

The friend is a childminder who lives opposite me - so I'll stay at home, hoover, clean the bathroom/kitchen and have a cup of coffee hot all the way through!

Then I'll start pacing!