(LONG!!) 10 yo dd acting either like a teenager or a toddler - not sure which!!

[weegiemum]

My dd1 is 10y3m.

She's always been tempremental and stubborn - bit like me really. She tends to get a bit 'hyper' at times and have trouble calming down, and when she is grumpy boy do we know it. She's the oldest, we also have ds (8) and dd2 (6).

The last 24 hours have totally drained me and I'm finding myself dreading her getting in from school tonight.

Yesterday we had a lovely family day out, to the Zoo in Edinburgh at her request. She liked it and had a great time, as far as we could tell, she was good tempered and ran around loads, saw everything she wanted to see.

When we got home they all went to play out as the weather was gorgeous. She immediately started to argue with siblings and the other 3 kids who were out playing as they wouldn't play "her game" and stropped in and out of the house a few times. When I tried to talk to her she just screamed at me and stormed off. She got more and more out of control, throwing things around her room and not letting me in to talk to her, shreiking she hated everyone etc ...... very like either a toddler tantrum or a teenage strop!

I'm usually very strict about how we talk to one another - all of us, no shouting, no name calling, there are words like "hate", "stupid" that we don't use. Maybe its me, but I had no idea of what to do with her - and I'm a teacher!

It ended up that she was to go to her room right after dinner and stay there for the rest of the evening until bedtime (8ish on a school night).

She created such a fuss about that that dh then banned her from the computer till Friday.

After a good bit of time out she came and apologised, we had a hug, I went in and had a chat with her and everything seemed fine. SHe was tired - had had a couple of late nights and I think all the emotion had worn her out, she went to sleep quickly after a nice cuddly time.

This morning she wouldn't get up, wouldn't have a shower, wouldn't eat breakfast, wouldn't get dressed and almost missed the bus. She was shouting and screaming again and being really cheeky, answering back, trying to face me down.

So she's off to school in a foul mood, and I have no idea what it is going to be like when she gets home, I'm trying to get everything done here so I can give her some undivided attention when she gets in tonight.

Could it be her hormones? She does tend to have a big blowout about once every month/6 weeks. She's had some spots and her breasts are starting to develop, but no other signs as yet. I'm prematurely menopausal so hardly a paragon of hormonal stability!! I'm also depressed which doesn't help.

My mum left when I was 12 and so I know I have no real role model of what a mother/daughter relationship at this sort of age is like, I feel like I am groping along in the dark, trying to find a way.

Dh says he thinks dd1 and I are so alike we tend to spark off each other - I know I'm the adult and I didn't get shouty yesterday but did a little this morning - I was just SO frustrated.

I've called the school and spoken to her teacher, there doesn't seem to be any issue there, but I'll try and find out from her later as well.

Just needed to vent off a bit I think and for someone to say this isn't totally abnormal behaviour for a 10 year old just entering puberty.

anyone? (if you can wade through it!)

Definately could be hormonal - I've got a DD13 who was like this a while ago - she has calmed down (actually did when periods started as there was a reason for her feeling 'jangled' - started when she was 11)
as always - repeat when necessary 'this is just a phase'... and try and keep talking when she's calm...

I tended to leave mine to go off in a strop then speak to her when she calmed down - she found it hard to control the hormonal moods and only really relaxed when she saw I was much the same at times (makes for a great household though!!)

Didn't want your post to go unanswered, not too sure I can be of much help though.

Your DD's behaviour sounds fairly typical of life in the Panda household too, but my 10 yo is a DS not a DD.

I wonder whether he is going through a bit of a hormone surge - still very short but starting to get a bit smelly!

He can be a very cuddly loving little boy, but then fly off the handle into a rage at the drop of a hat. I think he is getting older, and just gets cross when he cannot articulate his anger (and often there doesn't seem to be a very clear root cause)

Sometimes he gets really upset with himself because he knows he has lost it and shouldn't have done, and cannot calm down and recover from the situation, then it can get cyclical. He winds me up - we are quite alike and we spark each other off too - just like my Mum and I!

He sometimes chooses to go and lie on his bed to give himself space to think and calm down - a strategy I have taught him.

what a waffle - anyway, didn't want you to go unanswered!

Thankyou both!

I am feeling like such a rotten mum now. I'm going to have to enforce the "no computer" think this evening (dh working tonight) - maybe I could do something nice with her while the others have their "screen time"?

I love her, I love that she is growing up and developing thoughts and opinions and is so much fun most of the time.

I feel your pain weegie.

I have an 11-y-o ds and find he veers between temperamental teenager and affectionate child. In fact this morning I have been searching for a thread I caught sight of yesterday which was about an 11-y-o boy flying off the handle as well. If I find it I'll come back and link (sorry not very useful atm am I?)

I don't have specific advice re. the computer ban, etc, but general advice (which, believe me, I don't take myself) is keep being the loving mum you are, try and stay calm (I had a shouty week just gone, it's so counter-productive and I hate myself afterwards). I think at this time of transition and experimenting it's really important that they have a consistent, steady background that they can bounce off and back to iyswim.

sounds familiar - I've got 11 and 9 year old dds (until next week, then they're 12 and 10!) and think your dd is definately hormonal make a note on the calendar and next time it happens, count back 4 weeks to today!

have you had a chat with her about hormones and mood swings? they might have covered it at school, but from a more technical point of view, rather than an emotional one. We've found the screaming banshee girl actually scares herself with how she's feeling, which makes it worse

best tactic we've found is sending her to her room to calm down and don't even bother trying to talk to her until she has!

good luck

This is the other thread re stropping 11-y-o that might be useful.

When ds is safely off at school I think ok today I will be calm, loving, steady, understanding, forebearing and the beacon that guides him through these troubled times.

Ten minutes after he's home our horns are locked in battle over homework and it's all downhill from there really.

I should add he's a lovely lovely boy, I feel guilty for writing about him as if he weren't.

I have to really watch my 11 year old's (DS) blood sugar levels and how tired he is (he always denies he is tired or needing a snack).

If I get food in quickly (morning and straight after school or a day out) the explosions are minor tremors rather than major eruptions (and he is a feisty, stubborn redhead).

Thanks I'll have a look at that.

I love my dd1 soooo much and she is fabulous - intelligent, opinionated (in a good way), artisitic, musical, determined, courageous and extremely loving.

But she drives me insane.

I'm terrified I will let her down in some essential way just like my Mum did to me (repeat mantra ). I feel like I don't know what I am doing with her - just being there, always being there, seems to be the most important!

Hmmm weegie look I am not great at the amateur psych thing BUT I have watched In Treatment! Ahem it is possible you are transferring a bit of anxiety there... I do the same thing, as I am divorced I worry constantly about the effect of that on ds1 and if a day is not perfect I consider it a failure. That's a really unhealthy attitude, not to mention unrealistic. We will not be perfect parents, but we can be good enough parents, in that old mantra, and if we love them and support them, ultimately everything else will come out in the wash.

I wouldn't fancy being 10 or 11. Things are changing - your own wants, needs, preferences - you stop playing with toys - some people at school seem terrifically grown-up - you wonder what your new body will be like (ds asked me if your voice breaking hurt) - how you will fit into this sometimes scary teenage world - all that and then some is a lot for a childish pre-teen to be coping with.

Sorry one more post and then I'll be off.

Your dd sounds fantastic. And the best piece of advice someone gave me once was "You are not dealing with an X-year-old. You are dealing with your child." So you take age-related stuff into consideration, but it's the person's requirements you make decisions on.

Good luck, you sound really nice & have the right concerns, you will do well by her I am sure!

Thanks very much everybody.

She'll be home in 10 mins so lets hope things have improved through the day.

I'm going to stick to the computer ban but have got some things for her and I to do together while the others have half and hour on the playstation or whatever.

I also bought her a new lunchbox while I was at Tesco - she needed a new one but hasn't asked or gone on about it so I decided to reward some other good behaviour in that I said I'd get her one when I got a chance. Also got nail polish remover as I ran out last night so she had to go to school today with an apologetic note and bright yellow fingernails!

Lets just hope we can be friends tonight.

Agree with Pixie: allowing a little more language will help her by providing a safety valve. Screaming "I hate you" to someone you love is a better and safer way of getting rid of your frustrations than sneakily breaking the boundaries by misbehaving behind the bicycle sheds. If I were you, I would allow "I hate you" and reserve my sanctions for obviously wounding language (of the "fat bitch" variety).

And remember she is growing into an adult, so she will move out of the safe cosy nursery world into the kind of language adults use- which is not always the nicest. Are you sure you never mutter "I hate so and so"? Is the word "stupid" really one you would never use? Ever? If you express frustration by shouting, you can't expect her not to. As she grows older, she will need to know more and more about what you are really like, not the sanitised version we present to small children.

You can express your frustrations safely on Mumsnet- to her, you are the safety valve.