3.9 still not dry during the day despite potty training for 14 months

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

My DD is 3.9 and we started potty training over a year ago. She still only seems to realise she needs to go with 2 seconds notice and then wets herself because she can't get to the loo in time. Or she will get so involved with an activity and won't take the time to go for a wee. She will openly admit that she does this. I have not chastised her about being wet and just calmly go and get her clean knickers and she changes herself. When i ask her to come for a wee she will always tell me she does not need to go (despite dancing around from wanting to go) and has a meltdown if i take her anyway.

I have tried using a reward chart with her and it worked for a week but then she went back to wetting herself every day. She has been in pre school since sept. Last week she only managed one dry day

Being wet does not seem to bother her at all

Is this something i should be worried about?

How can I help her?

Thanks

Oh and about 3 months ago I moved the potty from downstairs and she has been using the loo. Should I put the potty back?

I dont have any advice for you, but I am in totally the same position, my dd 3.2 sounds exactly like yours. We have had 3 failed attempts to potty train, and will begin the fourth at the end of the month. I have for the past two weeks as teh weather is nice been putting dd in training pants for half the day so that she is a bit more prepared. DD does not mind one jot if she is wet, but does tell me if she has pooed her pants. She will sometimes wee if i take her to the potty but will not or cannot tell me when she needs to go. Just does not really seem interested in being able to use the potty/toilet on her own. The other day she said no toilet i want nappy

This is going to be the fouth and final time, i really do not want to put her back into pull ups as i feel it will be taking a step backward and my dd is becoming more aware of her body functions as a result of being in pants temporarily. Sorry no advice, I guess keep going, keep calm and eventually they will get there. I heard that some children are even 4-4.5 before they become fully toilet trained, I know that my godfather was all those years ago so dont worry.

I read in my no cry potty solution book (no cry for the kids or parents )that they will all get there eventually so not to worry. The more you stress about it and get worried it will take longer and makes things worse, just keep calm, do what you are doing and eventually your dd will get there.

I don't know what to say but congratulations on staying sane.

thanks - good to know i'm not on my own with this

going off to bed now

still open to suggestions though...............

.

bump

please?

Poor you! Like a PP I congratulate you on staying calm.

The only suggestion I can really make is to try and intercede before she gets to the point of wetting herself - I know that sounds a bit obvious! - but can you say how often she needs to go ie once every couple of hours? In which case I would make her go to the loo every hour and forty minutes, make a big fuss if she does go and give her a sticker etc. Don't let her get to the point where she is desperate and there is another accident.

I am also a great believer in bribery!! My sons were both about 3 when they trained and one of them would not poo in the potty for anything until we promised him a toy he wanted, within a week he was converted!

And my best friend's girl was the same, insisted on going in a nappy, so I had a chat with her and promised her some chocolate if she would be a big girl. She would phone and tell me that she had been on the loo and I would leave some chocolate buttons in their porch on my way to work!

They get there in the end! Good luck with it.

They do, dont worry, if you feel that its time she needs the loo, take her there, and give her a drink to encourage help things along, I do that and if dd is drinking on the potty/toilet most likely that she will wee on it. She loves water in a certain water bottle so i give her that on the potty and she does a wee usually, but is yet to know when she needs to go and to act upon it, i have to take her at certain times.

thanks.

i am close to insane tho

its just so frustrating grrrr

The description of your DD sounds just like how mine was at that age.

There was no quick fix. As she was an August baby therefore starting school just after her 4th birthday, I was very concerned she wouldn't be dry when starting school so went down the GP route, having given up on the Health Visitor. After the usual test for infection we were refered to a consultant. She didn't do much, we mainly just talked. She was convinced there was a link with constipation (even though we weren't having a problem with poos) and suggested we sit her on the toilet for 10mins every morning after breakfast to encourage a movement which we are still doing 3 years later.

I found talking about it to doctors with her listening in did help and also her teacher once she'd started school.

I also found certain drinks made her alot worse, for us it was citrus drinks and ones with artificial sweetners.

For the refusing to go to the toilet I found asking her to "go and check" if she needed a wee rather than ordering her to the toilet worked. I would also say sometimes that I was going just to check so she saw it as normal especially when we were going out.

It was a slow and gradual process with definite relapses along the way but I'd say she was totally dry from the age of 6. She is now 7 and we are on the same long, slow, up and down road to getting her dry at night.

You are doing all the right things at the minute so keep it up, stay patient and join me in my adulation of the person who invented the washing machine.

thanks so much. it does really help to know others are in the same situation.

i will try the "go and check" and see if that helps. we have not really had any problems with pooing.

dd is was born at the end of july and so is one of the youngest in her class.

will also cut out drinks with artificial sweetner in as well.

must agree that without a washing maching this would have been more of a PITA so well done to whoever invented it

Thanks goodness for training pants too, very good imo.

I'm watching this thread closely as my DS is exactly the same! He will be 4 in August and will be starting school two weeks after his birthday - I can't imagine him being dry by then.

He is the same as your DD in that he hops around and crosses his legs clearly desparate for a wee but when I ask him to go to the toilet/potty he just says his wee has 'gone back inside' and refuses to go - often resulting in huge tantrums! He can even sit on the potty for ten minutes being adamant that he doesn't need a wee, then two minutes after pulling his trousers back up he wets himself and doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered!

Part of the problem with DS seemed to be that he found the toilet and potty uncomfortable (he said they were too hard) and seems to get on better when weeing standing up (I know that doesn't help you!) but he is also better at holding it in when standing up so he sometimes will go to the toilet 'to try' and stand there but not really try.

I am thinking of going to the doctor just to make sure there isn't a medical problem (I don't think there is because sticker charts and bribes have worked in the past - for about a week!) but I'm a bit worried that it will make it into more of a big deal. Part of me thinks I'll just put up with washing his trousers every day and comfort myself with the thought that surely it will eventually end!

Sorry just realised my post didn't really help you at all - just wanted to say you're not alone!

don't worry IWGOT. It's nice to know others are in the same boat even tho its not nice to know others are struggking if you know what i mean.

wonder if should invest in one those hideous padded toilet seats ?

Your daughter is perfectly normal. Children love to play games and to be contrary and it sounds like your daughter has got into a pattern of refusing to go, safe in the knowledge that when she wets herself, you will calmly clean her up and change her with a forced smile on your face. I had a friend who had the same issue with her daughter doing poos in her knickers. In the end, it seemed that the problem was that she was so keen for her daughter not to feel bad about it that she didn't actually tell her daughter that was she was doing (intentionally pushing out a poo into her knickers) was wrong in any way. I'm certainly not suggesting that you scold your daughter but she does need to know that she must do her wees in the toilet and that is not acceptable to wet herself on purpose.

Of course all kids will continue to have accidents particularly when they are engrossed in some activity but if you are regularly asking her to go for a wee and she is refusing and then wetting herself moments later, she is basically messing you around. It is what kids do. The next time perhaps you can rationalise and explain that the last time she refused to go, she wet herself so she must go to the loo and check to see if a wee is waiting.

And most importantly, when she does do it in the loo, give her praise and some reward. We used to have a rule that if ours went a day staying dry she would earn a chocolate or biscuit at the end of the day. It seemed to work.

I hope something works out. You appear to have the patience of a saint!

I totally agree with you schmarn, though you have to have lots of patience and praise, kids know how to wrap you round their little finger and will mess you about too if you appear to soft. no dont scold or make your child feel bad, but evertime they wet/poo their pants say to them that they must go wee/poo in potty or toilet or they will have wet or messy pants, much nicer to have clean dry pants, IYSWIM. I leave dd in her pants for a little bit to get the message across of being all wet and messy.I say to dd that all the big girls and boys at her school pre school do their wee/poo in the toilet and keep telling her that.

Hi. Yes, it is very frustrating isnt it? Our dd just wasnt interested in the potty/toilet till perhaps 3.5yrs. We had her in pull-ups by then, in the hope that would make it easier for her to do a wee/poo.
When she did start to use the potty, it was hit and miss-she would poo in the potty in the morning, then poo in her pull-ups later in the day!
We tried not to get cross, just kept saying all her friends used the potty/toilet. When she was a bit more reliable, we used the bribe of a new, small toy as an incentive.
She turned 4 in December, and a few months later, something just clicked with her-she now totally dry during the day-she will use the toilet, but still likes her potty-she sits and plays- so I let her have the choice.
I suppose what I am saying in a very long-winded way, is that your dd will get there in the end. 14 months is a loooong time for you and her, and maybe when you started she just wasnt ready.
I would just put her in pull-ups for a month or so and forget about toilet training. Then, re-introduce the potty-not the toilet and see how she goes.
Some dc have a real fear of the toilet and will do anything to avoid using it. Some will wee on it, but not poo.
I have 6 dc and firmly believe dc toilet train at their own rate, and you cannot "hurry" things along.
Barring SN, most dc dont go to school in nappies, but im sure not all are fully toilet trained either.
My dd is still wet at night, but I wont tackle that till perhaps shes 5-will see how it goes. My youngest ds will be 7 in June, and has been dry during the day since 3.5, but has only been dry at night for the last few weeks. Hurrah!!
Toileting is such a minefield and can make parent and dc upset,but everyone gets there in the end. Good Luck!

I personally dont know if putting your dd back in pull ups will be helpful, you might end up confusing her, 14 months in knickers saying that you have to do wee/poo in toilet or potty then suddenly pull ups which signals that its ok to do wee/poo in pants. I would keep going as you are, its the summer so you can wash and dry pants/clothes easily and hopefully by the end your dd might just get what she has to do. I do suggest training pants though they are invaluable! They soak up most of a wee so it does not go on the floor and keeps poo in too. You can get them from e bay for a discount.

thanks everyone. we have had a dry day today

i'll look at the training pants not seen them what are they like?

It really is great to know i'm not alone

That is fantastic here is the link

cgi.ebay.co.uk/8-x-BRIGHT-BOTS-Washable-Potty-Training-Pants-LARGE-/140399621271?cmd=ViewItem&pt=UK_ BabyPottyTraining&hash=item20b0783497

I would not put your dd in pull ups as she will be taking a step back and will not learn anything imo, especially at this stage too. Just keep going and the switch will click on eventually though it feels like waiting for the second coming i tell you.

If it's any consolation, my DD1 was in nappies until about a week before her fourth birthday. I had tried absolutely everything up until then - rewards, bribery, a musical potty, letting her choose the pants she liked (but she would wear them over her nappy), just leaving her nappy off, training pants, etc - but nothing worked. And then DH told her that only children who wore pants were allowed to help decorate the Christmas tree - and that was it; she was out of nappies like a shot! She must have been physically ready for a while and never had an accident once she'd decided she didn't need nappies any more (unlike DD2 and DS, who were both potty trained at 2), but mentally she just wasn't ready to give them up.

Sorry, I know that's probably not much help as I don't really have any useful suggestions. I just wanted to say don't give up; it will happen eventually - even if it doesn't feel like it at times!

Those training pants look fab might try some of those if just to save me having to wash her shoes when she wees and it runs in them!

It really is reassuring to hear everyone who has gone through this and to know that eventually we will get there

Thanks

Hello, DD is in the same position sort of, she was basically doing it until we moved out of our house for some work to be done and she regressed very badly. We have just been to see a paediatrician about constipation and anxiety and she suggested a 'toilet token'. DD has a jar of sweets and a pile of tokens, every time she goes to the loo she gets a token which she exchanges for a small sweet, this is working wonders. She still has problems with pooing but she is on medication for that but the tokens are working well.