Help I'm at breaking point

[Bekki]

My son is ruining any time my husband and I get together. He is 3 years old and is becoming incredibly difficult to cope with when the two of us are at home. Individually we have his stubborn behaviour under control. But whenever we are all together he becomes completely unreasonable. Looking back this has always been the case but now its come to a head and we won't leave the house together as he screams and makes riduculous demands at us. The worst thing about it is that it is obviously upsetting my son and he dosen't seem to realise how unreasonable he is. After an awful trip down town which took all of half an hour, he screamed continuously for an ice-cream, then started demanding crisps, pop and a chocolate bar, it was one thing after another. Every time we refused him he would react as though we had smacked him. He is now fast asleep as the stress of it all just wiped him out. How can I resolve this without leaving my husband at home and before my baby is born in 2 months?

No solutions but a lot of sympathy. I don't think he will realise that he's being unreasonable; I always try to remember Christopher Green's thing about never expecting toddlers to be rational because they can't and therefore won't be. As to strategies, no real ideas other than substantive threats (e.g. naughty step, room etc).

It may be that he feels he has to play up to get either of your attention as he might feel that when your husband and you are together he feels left out and he would rather have negative attention than no attention at all. I am not saying this is the case but this might be how he is feeling.

He might also be feeling a bit out of joint at the thought of the new baby arriving although at 3 years of age he might not totally understand what is going to happen when the new baby arrives so that might not be the case.

Perhaps when either you or your husband are alone with your son, he feels he has your undivided attention and when the two of you are together he feels a bit left out.

Sorry, I am waffling - know what I want to say, can't seem to put it into words.

He is testing you and seeing how far he can push.i guess he is also feeling a bit up in the air at the moment with the new baby on the way this is probaly contributing to his behavior.You say that you have it under control individually do you control it in the same way maybe he could be getting mixed signals and needs to see a united front.
Perhap's try to leave him with someone else if you need to go shopping and then take him on shorter trips and before he demands things sit him down and tell him how you expect him to behave and if he manages it give him something as a reward for doing as you have asked.Shopping with toddlers is hard we have two and a baby and they are now begining to realise that if they behave when we are shopping that it will be over quicker and then we can have some family fun.can you not get a sitter and go and have some time alone with your husband in the evening before the baby arrives?Good luck anyway.

Babies and toddlers are unreasonable. I agree with Harry'smum, They can't help it and are incapable of realising it and it can help to understand that so you don't expect too much from them. I wonder if he does feel left out? I'm sure he isn't but feels he is. Would it help to turn his requests into a game of some kind? Or play with him. My ds doesn't like shopping trips either is much happier if carried on his dad's shoulders and if we chat, play with him on the way etc. I agree you can't give in to every request (esp for rubbish food) but I find a bit of benign bribery helps - a tiny £1 toy or a biscuit keeps him interested and distracted. Otherwise ignore the worst of the behaviour and try not to let it get to you so much - again, very much easier said than done.

Thanks everyone. I never realised it before but I can see now that he is jealous and feels left out. I don't know if it will get better or worse when the babies born. I suppose trying to give him the same amount of attention even when my husband is at home could be the answer but it seems like giving in to attention seeking to me. I would love to have a night to ourselves but I use all my babysitters time up when I go to work two days a week and for driving lessons, I can't ask again. I think presenting a united front is also part of it, but after half an hour of a large toddler screaming and thrashing about the place one of you is bound to give in, right? I'm just making excuses now. Individually my son knows how far he can push us but together it always varies so hes bound to get confused. Thanks for the advice I'll see if hes in a better mood now.

Bekki, I promise you it will get much better when you are no longer pregnant. I found that everyone was difficult and unreasonable when I was pregnant and they became totally reasonable and wonderful overnight after I had had the baby and no longer had raging hormones. You will probably find that you are a little less tired and a little more tolerant and in turn your son will push the boundaries a little less and altogether things will be much much better. In the meantime, even if it means giving up something else (daily paper, magazines, etc.) it is well worth your sanity and for the sake of your relationship to find the money to pay the babysitter one night a week for you and your dh to go out on your own.

Agree with SofiaAmes - I'm sure toddlers have some device for detecting when parents are at their most fragile.

You must feel like giving in to him every time at the moment. But with a united front (you and dp) and "no" meaning "no" you would get results sooner rather than later. (please note, not immediately, but possibly within 2 months!)

Also agree with small reward for good shopping behaviour; keeping trips very short. Perhaps he's playing you off against each other. When he demands something, he may see a look go between you as you "ask" each other whether you'll let him have it, and he spots the weakness there. What's he like when shopping with just one of you?

Well ... call me strict and very mean but my son is three and if he behaves 'antisocially' like that he goes to his room until he can behave in a reasonable way ... or we leave the place we are at and come home ... or we don't go out to where we were going ....
I don't think 3 is too young to learn acceptable behaviour.
My son's behaviour is worse when both DH and I are at home ... he very rarely tantrums when it is just me but will usually throw a strop within 10 minutes of DH walking through the door. It is attention seeking and jealousy ... After a few weeks of DS shouting 'Go away Daddy ... I don't want you here' as soon as DH came home at the end of the day, we decided that DH won't give attention to DS until he greets him nicely ... DS worked it out quite quickly that he gets more attention if he is not being horrible.

These are all sensible points and I'm sure that after the baby is born and I can start to lift him and restrain him again this will all calm down. To put it in perspective for you, hes about the weight and size of a 5 year old, and he is known to be the most 'challenging child' at playgroup. Thankfully though he is becoming easier to deal with as he gets older but only for me. The rest of my family are finding it increasingly difficult to control him and my main babysitter, my mother in law is starting to shy away from him. It infuriates me that when he was younger no one could understand what i was complaining about but now everyones got an opinion on how to control him. But I'm coping fine, we have a good understanding of each other and I know the exact things to say in each situation. Its only when another person comes into the mix that he changes his behaviour. I hope this will sort its self out soon as I haven't heard a thing from my mother-in-law for a while. Its so upsetting when everyone looks at your precious baby as though they're a future criminal. I'm sure all mothers experience it at some point though. One minute everyone is oohing and ahhing over your newborn and the next people are turning in disgust at your snotty tantruming toddler.

I had similar probs with my son at 2 1/2. my H/v came round for a while and spotted that he got too much attention and wasn't able to cope if we were talking or on the phone etc. he constantly had to do things to get our attention, butting in to the conversation, knocking things over, general bad behavior that got worse when DS2 was born. I was giving myself a hard time for not giving him enough attention but it was less I had to give. She sugested I tell him what I was going to do and what I expected him to do (eg. "I'm going to talk to daddy and do some paper work while you sit and play for a while" ) and then I had to ignore his bad beaviour. If it was going to hurt him or the baby I had to move him or the baby out of danger but say nothing and no eye contact. Ignore him if he tried to interupt our conversation. (that was hard!) only when he was being good could I look at him and tell him what a good boy he was being. DH and i found it difficult but it worked quickly and he was able to amuse himself and be happy with his own company instead of needing us to amuse him at all times. We had to both be consistant (which is still hard for DH!) but he is now 5 and a dream (most of the time!)

Good luck with the birth and i hope things get better soon.

As well as withdrawing attention when he is 'naughty', you and your dh might also try giving him some very intense, loving and fun attention together. Not as a reward, but just because he is your ds and you love him. It could be anything - a book that you all read together, a walk in the park where he decides the pace and route, a tickle-and-cuddle romp, a 'feeding mummy and daddy play-food' game... so that he feels special and beloved without having to demand it.

a hard situation but have you tried just egnoring him when your at home. If you and your husband could go into another room and just totally egnor his screams he may realise that mummy and daddy
arny going to pay him any attention if he keeps screaming hopfully he will get sick of it and go about is buissnes