Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH and I are furious/drained. Why is DS like this? I need to talk.

40 replies

ChocolateFace · 02/05/2010 21:13

I've gone back to my old posting name for this thread, but I am a regular.

Here goes; In laws came over today for a cup of tea...all was going well, DH was planning to take DC's out this afternoon to the park (at DS1's request), while I was going to do some ironing/housework in peace.

We were all in the sitting room, and DSs (11 and 7) were playing with lego. I noticed dS1 give DS2 a little shove, and pulled him up on it. DS1 was obviously a bit cross, DS2 carried on brumming the lego car around, and DS one gave him another slight flick/shove with his hand and marched off to his room.

A few minutes later he came downstairs, packed up the lego, apart form the car dS2 was playing with and carried it (noisily bumping it up the stairs) to his bedroom. He then banged around a bit in his bedroom, and started crying, and as the crying got louder, I told DH to go and see to him.

Now, DH is a very calm man, shouting is not his thing, but suddenly there was a roar like thunder from DH...so I went up stairs, followed by FIL. Now FIL is the type of man who thinks belting a child is the way to good behaviour, and would never interfere with someone else's parenting, but I honestly don't think he has ever heard his son shout before, and he quickly followed me up stairs.

S we discover DS1 has taken a compass to the wall and had scratched deep grooves in every one of the walls, and on one wall scored I HATE YOU. He's done this before coming back downstairs for the lego

When we bought this house 2 years ago, it needed lots of work, but we made sure DS1 had a nice bedroom, as priority. I would like to finish decorating the dining room this weekend, but now DH has got DS1 to help strip the wall paper off in his bedroom, and tomorrow they will line it and then it will need painting. so that's our Bank holiday stuffed.

FIL gave DS a talk about stressing DH out, and us not wanting him to have a heart attack.

I just said "You are an idiot" When I'm really stressed I fall asleep, which is what I did on the sofa this afternoon, but I still feel exhausted. DS1 seemsgenuinly remorseful, and seems very willing to help DH re-decorate.

Surely this is way out of the realm of normal 11 year old angry behaviour? This just seemed to come out of nowhere. I worry what's next.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 05/05/2010 21:07

shabbapinkfrog, the note book sounds like a really good idea. Thank you.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 05/05/2010 22:13

lol LS! Isn't your ds a bit aspergery? I've been reading 'The Explosive child' which was recommended on here(maybe by you!) and it's really helpful. My ds damages stuff round the house (you know about his ishoos!)and his self-esteem was assessed as being okay by an ed psych so it's not necessarily that.The hormones theory is an interesting one I think.

cornsilk · 05/05/2010 22:15

that was a hello LS lol - not a lol at ds

shabbapinkfrog · 05/05/2010 22:32

Chocolate - it has worked for us so far....my DS4 says that every night when he goes to bed he feels like he is growing and it scares him!!! Says he feels like his bed wont be big enough in the morning. All the girls in his year are 'orange' according to him, they wear make up and now everything about being grown up!! They tag him on FB photos as the nerd or the geek....I have full access to his FB (he wasn't allowed it unless I did) and I have noticed he has said how proud he is to be geeky and that makes him different from the others, and that different is brilliant.

Just those words are a result of our special book. Im not pretending I am Mary Poppins or Super Nanny - I just found something that, so far, has worked for us.

shabbapinkfrog · 05/05/2010 22:33

I meant 'know' not 'now' LOL

lou031205 · 05/05/2010 22:34

LS (I just knew this was you ), why are you going to undo what your DS did? I think he should not have his room redone just yet. Not to punish him, but to show that you know what he is telling you.

To me, stripping, lining and decorating the room is like telling him that his feelings aren't important. They can be just wiped away by painting over them.

shabbapinkfrog · 05/05/2010 22:58

Just had a thought - how about making him help repair the damage he has done - and maybe him and his Dad discussing it as they go along? Might not damage his room again if he has to repair it this time???

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 05/05/2010 23:25

Well, the room is all nicely re-decorated now, anyway. DH and DS make quite a decorating team. They're planning on doing my bedroom next weekend!

I don't think it's necessarily a teenage hormone thing...DS has always had outbursts, since he was tiny, and although he kicked in a glass door a few years ago, when he was really unhappy and school refusing, he's never done anything do angry and out of the blue before. But maybe I just didn't see it brewing.

I haven't read the explosive child, cornsilk...off to google.

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 05/05/2010 23:34

When I was that age my temper was horrific (I was struggling with stuff too) and I had an old yellow pages to rip when I could feel the temper pouring out of me. After. After a 5 min outburst I'd be ashamed of myself - that loss of control is horrible.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 06/05/2010 07:51

shabbapinkfrog - that book idea sounds really useful

Casserole · 06/05/2010 08:38

This might sound stupid, but it really worked for a friend of mine so I'm offering it up - basically she had an 11yo DS who sounded a lot like yours and she found a massive correlation between the amount of sports he did each week and how much he was able to manage his feelings and outbursts. If he was signed up to sports 2 or 3 afternoons a week at school then his outbursts were lessened massively, but if he had a couple of weeks where he didn't get out and let off steam so much they really noticed it. We wondered at the time if it was some sort of testosterone thing that the sports gave him an outlet for, plus obviously just wearing him out a bit.

Anyway. I know that sounds really simplistic and I'm sorry. Nearly didn't post it but then thought it might help, so there you go!

Good luck, anyway.

PixieOnaBallotBox · 06/05/2010 09:05

I agree with the sports idea.

I also think that maybe your DS doesn't want material things, he wants your time - why should DS2 get more help with his homework? Surely DS1 has more, and it's harder?

shabbapinkfrog · 06/05/2010 09:34

The sports thing is really interesting.

Do you remember Daley Thompson? Won a gold medal for us in - I think this is right, but correct me if Im not - the Decathlon?

As a kid he was hyperactive and his parents couldn't control him. They were told to put him into as many different sports clubs as poss.

I reckon it worked for him as well

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 06/05/2010 10:40

My ds3 is like this - prone to huge melt-downs over minor things, and prone to tell us how he hates us all, hates the dog, hates his brothers etc etc. I had a huge rant about this on mumsnet and to a number of friends, and one friend sent me a link (which I can't find just now) to a study that showed that in adolescent boys' brains, the part of the brain dealing with empathy is a lot less active than in other people - in other words, they don't or can't empathise, but this changes as they grow up.

Shabba's idea about a notebook is a very good one indeed, and I may use it too. For the moment, I am picking my battles with ds3, and learning to head off the meltdowns before they get too big.

MumofJTM · 07/05/2010 12:21

is he in Year 6? It's SATs next week. Might have had a bearing on stress levels in school? Correct me if I'm wrong, but KS1 SATs have already happened? Did DS2 do them this year? Even if he's Year 7, our Year 7s are doing progress tests and stuff at the moment, so maybe in other schools? Could he be snowed under with school stuff and talking about 10 out of 10 in DS2's spelling test (definitely worthy of praise, don't get me wrong) made DS1 feel under pressure?

Just a thought . . .

Flip

1 2