Please help - at end of tether and can't cope with 1-yr old (long sorry)

[littleduck]

Please excuse what will probably be a stream of consciousness rather than any kind of rational post but I am at the end of my tether and feel like I can't take any more.

Last few months with DD have not been the easiest with various admissions to hospital with breathing problems. She has put on very little weight since Christmas (more or less when the problems started) and I am getting rather worried as she has dropped from 50th to 25th centile. I want to make sure she eats plenty to start putting on some weight but this is proving difficult. As I have posted on other threads she refuses lumpy food (eg cottage pie, a chicken stew type thing, meat in sauces seem to be a particular problem) and will only eat mashed veg/fruit and pureed meat if I spoon feed her. If I finger feed she will try a variety of things but in fact very little actually goes in. She is at nursery a few days a week and eats well there but they spoon feed her and the food is still quite smooth I think although I have asked them to start making the textures more lumpy.

DD's behavious has been atypically difficult over the past few days, screaming and refusing to lie down to have her nappy changed, complete screaming hysteria when we try to bath her, more screaming when I wouldn't let her take the phone off me when I was in the middle of a call. The final straw came when I gave her lunch just now and she started screaming when I tried to put her in the high chair (although she was ok once in) and yet more problems getting her to eat. She only had a small amount of her main course and refused the rest, making up for it with loads of fruit puree and soya yogurt as a pudding. I'm afraid I ended up shouting at her very loudly and we both ended up in tears. I don't want food to be a battleground but I am told her speech development will suffer if she won't eat lumpy food and I want her to eat to get strong and healthy again like she was before all her illness started.

I am at my wits end, I try to be kind and calm with her but she just doesn't seem to respond to nice at the moment, she rejects me in favour of her father whenever he walks through the front door and cries when he hands her to me, and I just lost it earlier. She saw me crying earlier and laughed at me.

I feel like my daughter doesn't like me and just doesn't want Mummy at all. She was a surprise baby and I found it difficult to adjust motherhood at first although I love her very much. I wonder if this behaviour stems from the fact that I found it all rather overwhelming at first. At nursery she is fine and very rarely cries, she seems to prefer being there to being with me.

I fel like I must be a crap mother not to be able to deal with her tantrums and get the food thing sorted out, I work hard to provide for us (DP's business is not doing well at the moment so my salary pays for everything) and am always thinking of her, and planning stuff for her from food to doctors visits to trips to the swings, I do it all. DP helps as much as poss but in the main it is me.

I just want to walk out of the house and leave it all only I couldn't bear to be without her, but I find it so very hard to be with her when she is like this. I do everything I can for her and feel so upset that she is rejecting me and even more upset with myself for shouting at her because why would she want to be with a mummy who shouts?

My mother is turning up this afternoon for a few days so I will have to put a lid on all this, I can't talk to her about how things are as she is very anti nurseries and will just blame the nursery for everything and won't be sympathetic. So any thoughts/words appreciated, I just feel like I can't do this any more and don't understand what I have done for DD to reject me like this.

Ah poor you. I don't know that I can offer any real advice, just that I can sympathise. It sounds like you need some time to yourself, i.e not working. How old is your DD? My DD (2.9) changes allegiance often - some days its all mummy, others all daddy - and it is upsetting for you but it doesn't mean she is rejecting you at all, it is common and normal for wee ones.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time though - try not to beat yourself up about shouting you are not a crap mum you are a normal human being and sometimes it's really tough. It will get better .
I hope someone can come and give you some better advice than this, I just didn't want you to go unanswered too long.

littleduck - having similar issues with my DS2 at the mo and can sympathise. It can be very hard to keep your cool in the face of constant tantrumming.

I remember I posted here a couple of years back re DS1 being a real daddy's boy - it got to the poitn where I too though no one would give a crap if I disappeared. It's not true, they do love you, and need you, they just take it for granted to some extent that you will always be there. She's still so young, and I know it's a cliche but it will get better. DS1 is still a daddy's boy but he does love me more than I realise and sometimes will just randomly come out and say lovely things to me. (And the rest of the time I just think - he wants his dad, hurray, I'll just go and have a bath or a nice little time by myself!)

I hope things get better for you soon - it is hard and it's not just your DD!

hi there, you poor thing, I can empathise with the feeling that it's all too much sometimes. My dd is around the same age and a lot of it sounds familiar. Your dd's illness sounds v stressful and I think it's a case of drawing on all the support you can atm.

Can your mum look after her for a day while you treat yourself?
Can you get more regular help? When I was struggling, my Mum started to come up once a week and look after dd while I went out and relaxed.
Do you think your GP might be able to help, you may be depressed?
Are there any friends/family that will just listen and not judge you? Or do you think counselling would be an option to get you through this tricky patch?

A lot of what you describe sounds like normal 1yr old behaviour, but your capacity is a bit low atm, and that's ok, everyone struggles sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about shouting, no-one's perfect! I used to see other mums looking all perfect and smiley and think, why can't i be like that, but actually when you talk to them, they all feel rubbish sometimes.

With the food, my dd is the same sometimes, she rejects things I spent ages cooking but I try not to stress about it, I'm just glad if she eats something. You're doing the right thing by offering a range of foods, gradually changing the textures. When she was ill, or when she was born, was she intubated? (tube down their nose or mouth) That can delay their ability to tolerate new textures. Have the doctors given your dd the all clear with her illness?

Sorry, a bit of a ramble there. Hope some of it was useful.

littleduck I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. My dd is the same age as yours and while we've not had the feeding issues that you've been coping with, recently she has at times become VERY touchy and easily frustrated - furious when things are taken away from her, when she tries to walk and can't, when we won't give her our cups of tea...etc. I think it's a very normal part of their development at this age, although knowing that doesn't always help!

And like yours she often seems to vastly prefer her dad to me. As bintofb says if you can try to see that in a positive light (focus on it being a nice sign that they have a good relationship), that might help. And I'm sure it's BECAUSE we do everything for and with them that this is the case: their daddies are a nice fun novelty. It doesn't mean she is rejecting you. It's because she knows she has you and can depend on you, so can go and have fun with this exciting new person.

Can you find some time for yourself while your mum's around? You might find that she is suddenly thrilled and excited to see you after you've had some time apart from her (other than while you're at nursery/work) - and far more importantly you could try to do something lovely for yourself, whether that's going for a walk, shopping, pedicure...

Good luck. Remember that your dd loves you more than anyone in the world and that things are just a bit frustrating for her at the moment as what she wants to do is far more than she can actually achieve.

oh and try not to worry about the "not eating lumpy food affecting speech development", if she's babbling at all then she's on track. It's just another thing to worry about and you don't need it! Who told you that anyway?

something else occurs to me - nursery's version of 'fine and very rarely cries' is probably not the same as yours - not that I think you should worry about her being upset there, but that they are much more able than you as a mother are to see bursts of frustration in a dispassionate light.

Still if she really is better tempered at nursery, can you find out what she does there and try to replicate some of it at home? if she's not responding to calm and kind then perhaps she wants rowdy and lively? Mine tends to snap out of her bad tempers not when she is cuddled but when I distract her by singing or dancing like an idiot or rushing round on my hands and knees with her - all stuff that they do at nursery.

I didn't do a lumpy food stage just lots of finger food. So just let her suck on a bread stick.
If you are really losing it with her screaming, put her in her cot, make sure she can't get out. Shut the door. Go and make a cup of tea with radio loud (or ipod). And have 5 minutes to regain sanity.

Then go back an hug her etc. My DS was cuddled less quickly than his sisters because he just didn't stop crying. He trained me to ignore his cries, as it would take 1/2 hr to stop him. So I'd go to the loo first. As his sister stopped quickly I'd calm them first.
Also don't take it all personally. If you do feel like this all the time go and see your doctor, because it does sound like depression.

Babies are funny things as they do have lots of phases. For a few weeks they are lovely, then they act up for a while. Then they can calm down again.
Don't worry about the lumpy food, be more concerned about weight gain. What is your doctor suggesting, do you see the health visitor much? Do get them to investigate if you are worried, but if they're not worried do take comfort from that. But still get them to investigate.

Good luck!

Hiya, I know how you feel, I wish I could come over and give you a hug. I had my son after 7 years of trying and it was a shock but we were happy. The first week after the birth was very painful, I was breastfeeding and had lots of problem it got so bad he ended up in hospital after a week of coming home because he lost so much weight. The first 6 months I just cried and felt suicidal but didn?t tell anyone. To cut this short, my son still has eating problems. He is 3 years old but he has never ever had meat, chicken and only recently started having fish cakes and that?s the only kind of fish he would have. No fruit or veg. There has been days when he would only have milk and yogurt. But I stopped worrying about it as I was making myself ill and found a way around it. I still give him formula milk for toddlers and lots of yogurt and cheese which he likes. I know that if he has enough milk then at least he is getting his vits and minerals. I have also given him Omega 3/6 drops for babies and toddlers since he was 6 months old and really think that it has help him a lot. There has been days when I would cry myself to sleep because he hasn?t eaten a thing except for milk but then I realised that he was fine and it was me who was making a fuss. I would say that give her plenty of good quality milk and yogurt which she likes that way at least she will be getting her vits and minerals. I think she is sensing that you are stress so she is getting stress as well. Let your mother look after her and take some time out. She is only one and I am sure she is not rejecting you. And also both my mother and my mother-in-law were against my son going to nursery but he loved it.

Ta v much for all yr thoughts. Yes I am kind of running on empty at the moment what with worries about money and DD's illness and weight, the food issues and her atypical tantrums have just been the last straw today.

She always seems pleased to see me when I pick her up from nursery so I guess I will have to try to hang on to that. It seems fair to say DP probably does have more of a novelty value although he is very involved really anyway.

She seems to love people and having lots of stuff going on so maybe home is a bit quiet for her. I get out with her in the afternoons on the days I am at home but can't be out all day.

The food thing is the most stressful right now, it was a HV and also some NHS research which said about the lumpy food. All sorts of warnings about having left it too late by not introducing lumps at 7-8 mths (she only started weaning at 6mths and refused lumps at 8 mths ffs). I think we will have to go back a step and try and build slowly. She does seem to be able to chew and babbles away happily so I don't think she can be that far behind in speech. If her weight wasn't such an issue I would just give her finger foods and leave her to take as much as she could/wanted but she takes very very little and I don't want her losing weight so I will have to spoon feed also.

I have issues around rejection anyway and I think I ought maybe to see if I can speak to someone to sort it out - have to say though I'm not a believer in therapy as I have tried this before and didn't find it very helpful. But if I can't handle 'rejection' from a 1 yr old what am I going to do when she is a teenager when it can be far worse tee hee.

Just all a bit dispiriting when you are doing your best

Hiney, she really isn't rejecting you. it's a developmental stage where she's learning about how to get what she wants.

My ds now nearly 2 has screamed blue murder for most of the last 6 months about having his nappy changed. i think, and i'm probably wrong but, the more her language skills develop then the easier it becomes to manage and look after a baby.

A friend of mine's son had 'issues' with lumpy food so she managed to get a referral to , i think, a speech and language therapist who looked into what his problems might be. He's now 18 months and getting much better with food. Do try the suck on finger food option. And maybe try things that are a bit naughty like cake as this will help put on weight and may encourage the habit of having slightly thicker food, hand held as well.

meant to say honey

I think you need to ignore a lot of what you consider to be her bad behaviour. It's not unusual for them to scream when they are put in the high-chair or having their nappy changed. I have 2 kids DS (4) and DD (just 2). It sounds like the terrible twos have started a bit early for you. I reckon your DD is testing the water, seeing what you react to and if it gets a reaction, then doing it more! They don't understand your emotions at that age, so won't understand if you are angry or laughing. I would try and keep your temper and not scream at her. I often put my DD in her high chair for her lunch and she waits 5 minutes before starting to eat. Sometimes she eats virtually nothing for lunch, but then eats a massive tea. I have a friend with a DS who has been getting very annoyed and stressed at her DS at mealtimes. This escalated so that he started being sick on purpose after his tea as he realised that got him attention. It was not a good situation to be in ... so try and chill out if you can. The telling thing for me is that you DD eats well at nursery and not at home, therefore it's become an attention thing at home and you need to back off. Just an opinion ...

Hey Littleduck - long time no speak. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. Have you still got my number? I'm texting you now - give me a call anytime if you want to chat.

First things first. Your DD doesn't cry at nursery etc but plays up with you because YOU are the person she feels most comfortable with and the person she loves most in the world. DS is exactly the same - he goes down for his naps like a dream for the CM (just started settling him in) but will always squeak with me.

Please please please don't think your DD is rejecting you, she really really isn't. My mum thought I rejected her as a baby as I would push her away when she tried to cuddle me. I was a baby - I wasn't rejecting her I just liked my own space. Her thinking I was rejecting her set the tone for our relationship in the years to come and not in a good way. Your DD is not not not rejecting you. Babies push their parents away/cry at their parents/hit their parents/scream in their parents faces - that's what babies do because they're babies. They don't have complex emotions and they are dealing with all sorts of frustrations at this age.

Frustration is probably the reason she has suddenly become a bit of a screamer as well. O screams and arches his back when I put him in the pushchair/carseat/highchair and gets really cross when I try to change his nappy. He always calms down eventually but I think it's just the start of toddler tantrums so I think unfortunately we have to get used to it. He also screams like mad if I take something away from him that he wants. This is all normal behaviour for their age as far as I'm aware. Very very wearing, but normal.

With regards the lumpy food - please please try not to stress too much about it. The more you stress the more you will pass that onto DD. She will eat if she's hungry and they all go through phases of eating bugger all. O had banana and yoghurt for dinner for about a week and a half. The best advice I've been given is if they won't eat it, take it away. Don't get visibly upset about it (even if you feel it), just move straight on to pudding. She WILL eat eventually. And HVs say all sorts - apparently all babies are supposed to stop having bottles by the age of one - I don't know anyone in RL who has managed that particular feat and none of said babies have had any issues with speech development etc.

Anyway - I'll stop wittering now. You will get good support and advice on this thread but if you want to have a natter in RL then give me a call. Would be lovely to meet up now our little ones are actually here - maybe a coffee in Kingston sometime soon??

Hang in there - everything's a phase and you will get through it x x

Hi all

Many thanks

I think the reason why she eats well at nursery is they give her food that is more pureed than I am offering. If I offer almost pureed food she will eat that no prob. She will eat mushed up fruit fine.

I really appreciate your comments am just worried about getting some weight back onto her and it's kind of a worry when they won't eat what is on offer

Oh Littleduck, I could have written much of your post several times over the past 2 years. It is really hard to cope with constant battles. You need to get some time for yourself. Even just a 30 minute lie in at the weekend can make a huge difference.

As others have said, I think your DD pushes things with you because she knows that no matter what she does, you will always love her. I also think she is probably very frustrated. My DD is always a nightmare when she is about to achieve a big milestone (eg. walking). She knew what she wanted to do but couldn't do it.

I had food issues with my DD when she about 1. It wasn't to do with lumps but with me giving her the food. She would eat perfectly well at nursery and refuse for me. I even got a meal from nursery and tried to give that to her, in the same bowl they use, with the same spoon - she threw it at me!

What worked for me was to totally change the way I did her meals. I used to feed her in her highchair in the kitchen and I now think this was too intense for her. Instead I got a booster seat to go on a dining table chair, put a serving dish on the table with food for both of us and served a tiny portion for her and some for me. Obviously I could only do this with food I knew she could cope with (especially things she could pick up but were easy to eat eg. roasted sweet potato slices, carrot slices, brocolli). I think this took the pressure of her to eat. I ate and chatted to her and pointed to things she could see in the garden. She started copying me and eating without me asking her to. If she ate the tiny piece of sweet potato on her plate I said well done and gave her another.

Finally, I don't think it really matters if your DD does not have the most perfect, balanced diet at this stage. If she eats a little finger food and then fills up on easier food, is that really a problem if she gets enough calories? Is she still having ff or bf? The you don't need to worry so much about the nutrional value of the food she actually does eat.

I hope you get some rest when you're Mum is with you.

Oops I meant your Mum, not you're

Don't get stressed about food - honestly she will not starve! If she won't eat what you give her, move it away. If she is getting food at nursery then she'll be fine.

I found no snacks and lots of fresh air helped build an appetite so that she would eat eventually as starving. I always used to eat something with her at the same time to make it more sociable.

My DD was incredibly fussy and honestly seemed to live off baked beans and breadsticks for months but is 3 now and has a pretty varied diet. Don't make food into a battle ground.

The other stuff - normal behaviour, honestly it is. She is not rejecting you, she is just growing up a bit.

Don't worry.

Just wanted to agree that all the behaviour sounds completely normal. I think you might need to find some way of dealing with it better as she is likely to become more challenging over the next couple of years. I don't mean to sound rude - have to dash to deal with my screamers...

hi Littleduck, how are you feeling today?

Hi Little Duck,
it sounds like a very stressful time you are going through at the moment. It may seem a little trite, but could she be teething, I thought I was going insane when my little boy started teething at around 9 months, but it did get better or I learnt to cope better after the first time.
At 12 months around half of your daughter's nutritional needs are met by milk and again if she is teething she will probably go off food because it probably hurts her gums.
Do you get much time to yourself? I was wondering whether your mum could babysit a couple of times a week allowing you to wander around a shop, sit in a coffee shop or go for a walk, just to get a bit of distance.
If you are very worried about your feelings, I think you would be wise to make an appointment with the GP, they are usually very supportive of new mothers.
You sound as if you are very self-aware and are factoring in the initial shock. That sounds quite healthy to me, being able to take that step back and analyse some of your feelings.
Things will get easier, when she can talk to you and becomes more independent, she will be your little mate and this stressful time will become a memory.

Hi. If your dd has been unwell for a while, she really may NOT feel like eating much. As someone else said, at a yr old, she will still get many calories from milk, so let her drink plenty of that.
Some dc just dont like lumpy food, and find different textures unpleasant. I think, for now, let her eat plenty of what she likes. Yogs etc. wont hurt, and ok, they arent high in calories, but at least shes eating.
Youre right-dont make mealtimes a battle ground. She will get stressed and upset and so will you-she is still a baby. Just leave her to it.
Also, lots of dc go through mummy/daddy phases-you must NOT take this personally or let it upset you. It doesnt mean she doesnt love/need you. Equally you are right when you say about "being a shouty mum"-if you are uptight around your dd, she will pick up on that and become anxious/whingy and want daddy.
You are doing nothing wrong-just going through a difficult time. When your dh is around,make sure you get a break-a bath, lie-down, see a friend-something just for you.
If in 6 months, your dd is still having difficulty with lumpy food,ask your GP to refer you to a nutrionist,(sp), or Paed. She could be hyper-sensitive to the feel and texture of food, meaning she experiences food and smells differently to us, and will need some help with this. Good Luck!

Dd2 was difficult to wean. Try to relax. Give her what she will eat. If ghat's yoghurt, so be it. As others have said , provide finger food. Cake isn't a disaster if she will eat it. Mashed up boiled egg with butter, mashed potato with cheese, butter, purreed mince, if she willonly take it from a spoon then ok. Allow her to play with it.

I think you are at a low ebb and things can seem like an enormity, it's so hard to get perspective. All you can dois offer her a healthy balanced meal which has plenty of fat. Accept there may be different rules for your daughter, which may invlude giving her high fat things which others regard as unhealthy. If she eats it then great but if she foesn't want it, no amount of tears or shouti g is going to make her change her mind. It is sooo upsetting and frustrating. Believe me, I've been there.

My DD2 would take an hour over breakfast eating baked beans on by one, I kid you not. But these things pass, really they do. Honestly in a year you will be pulling your hair out about her tantrums. This us just what it's like and they all survive, go to school and are fine. Really.

hi littleduck - DS2 is one too and it is a really hard phase, honestly. They become much more demanding, much more able to manipulate you, much naughtier and they are really HARD WORK. I'm lucky in that this one is an eater but DS1 had me pulling my hair out in handfuls at this age, he hardly ate a thing and I was going insane. He's now a rough tough 4 year old, still has a tiny appetite but seems to be alive despite it!

Please don't beat yourself up, your DD loves you, you're the centre of her world, the reason she can muck about and play favourites and be tricky about food is because she knows utterly and completely that you are completely hers and she is completely secure with you. They start to push boundaries at this age and experiment with seeing what they can make happen, both physically and emotionally, which is probably why she looked like she laughed when you cried - she doesn't know crying means you're sad, she just knows that something happened, just like when she pushes a toy and it moves.

Try not to get stressed about food - your HV is talking rot and her speech development will be fine. She does sound like she's teething to me, neither of mine will lie down for nappy changes when teething, I think it hurts them more that way - why not change her standing up for a bit? Stand her at low table with a book or a toy and it's much easier. Poos are a bit trickier, I normally bribe with a snack

I do think bribing at this age for essential things is fine, it won't ruin them from a discipline point of view, they're too young to understand reason so it's whatever gets things done, tbh.

Also when teething neither of mine will eat, and become grouchy clingy monsters. It can take a while before the teeth actually appear, but they can be in lots of pain anyway - try Calpol or children's Nurofen and see if it helps.

Hope some/any of this is helpful and you're being looked after by your mum

Hi all

Thanks for the posts. DD has just in last couple of dayes started pulling herself up on anything and everything she can to stand up so maybe developmental stage has sthg to do with it.

I am now trying sitting DD in her highchair with some finger food to start and then offering her spoon fed food after a bit if she wants it but letting her take more finger food also so she has some of both. This has worked quite well so far.

She seemed a bit happier yesterday and has been pretty happy today although had the total screaming abdabs when I changed her nappy before the lunchtime nap. Turns out DD has mild ear infection (now being treated) so this may account for her not wanting to lie down to have nappy changed - well at least not lie down on her back anyway. I think she is also a wee bit constipated so this probl not helping.

I just worry about her and want her to be happy and it is so bewildering to see her getting herself into the most frightful tizzy in situations which never bothered her before. Maybe it is the terrible twos early........

Life is a bit stressful even without the stuff going on with her but it seems herder to cope with all these episodes of tears and screaming (she never used to do it!) when I am feeling pretty worn out by all the other stuff too. I just see lots of mums who seem to be dealing with this kind of stuff much more easily than me and I feel like I'm failing my daughter because I don't seem to be able to at the moment. I guess we will develop strategies to distract her or whatever but as this behaviour is very new than I am still trying to work out what is wrong and what to do to distract her or stop her being upset.

My mum lives a long way away, she has only come to stay for a few days, so isn't around to babysit. We can't afford to get a sitter in at the moment - too skint! So we will just have to manage and get on with it like everyone else does.

Thanks for all your support it really has meant a lot

I haven't read all of the replies. Glad she has seemed a bit happier the last two days and that the ear infection has been diagnosed - I'm sure things will improve a bit as that improves. All I really wanted to say was please don't let food become a battle ground. You say you want her to regain her weight - so for the next month or so just stick 95% to all the things you know that she likes (and lots of it), it doesn't matter if it's pureed. Just let her eat it. The other 5% can be the odd bits and bobs for her to try of finger foods etc. In a month / 6 weeks, when you are confident that she is better start upping the 'other' stuff - but still stick to 70 - 80 % stuff she really likes for a while. She's still really young and you say she has been unwell, so let it ride for a bit - these things have a tendency to sort themselves out if you let them be, but getting too concerned can be counterproductive.

I am sure you are doing a fabulous job, try not to worry too much (easier said than done I know) and I'm sure things will improve on their own. My Ds (just turned one) still LOVES purees (I give him Ella's kitchen weaning pouches as a treat / snack when we are out and about). I think they just do like that sort of stuff still at this age - fruit purees and yogurt are loved by all.