20m DS refusing to eat in chair/ tantrums/head banging/persistently bad sleeper - help needed!

[bintofbohemia]

He seems to have been recently possessed. He currently has carpet burns on his forehead from banging it on the rug - he also hits himself during a strop. I've been trying not to give it any attention but it's really wearing, and the tantrums can persist on and off for hours.

He has recently decided that sitting at the table to eat meals is rubbish, and will only eat if he sits on someone's knee. We've recently adopted a zero tolerance approach which means that mealtimes involve lengthy tantrums and it's horrible for all of us. Sometimes he'll come to the table, sometimes he won't.

The sleeping is awful though, it's always been bad but we're just getting really fed up as he's nearly two and never envisioned it going on this long with no sign of getting any better. We have to go in to him anything between 2-20 times a night. Sometimes he will resettle, sometimes he won't let you leave the room. The last few nights he has screamed between 1-2 hours if we left the room and it's really taking its toll.

On top of this he gets up at 6am no matter what time he goes to bed and how little sleep he gets. His room is blackouted to buggery and he still pings awake like clockwork.

I know this too shall pass - but 20 months is a long time to repeat that mantra! Any practical advice please? (Or sympathy, solidarity, gin...)

I can offer a suggestion on the mealtimes thing... Let him sit on someone's knee. I know it's not ideal (we often have same problem with 18 month old ds), but your mealtimes at the moment are lengthy and horrible for everyone, so what have you got to lose?

Cut yourselves a little slack and remember not to sweat the small stuff.

Bugger, do you think? It just means one of us has to struggle one handed, or wait, whilst being showered with food he doesn't want and it's really annoying. I'm starting to worry we'll still be in the same boat when he's 17, lounging around the house scattering food and waking us up every hour...

Thank you justabout. He is starting to communicate quite well, but I guess it's not quite enough yet to avoid the frustration! He isn't head banging at night, thank god, just whinging for hours. Sometimes you can go in and tell him to lie down, and he will - but other times he stands up the minute he sees you leave the room and this can go on for hours. I tend to leave it a long time between going back in and telling him to lie down, but literally, unless you sit with him til he falls asleep it goes on for 2+ hours.

Do you think we need to just totally leave him? I've never really done CC with either of them but at 20m something has to change.

He's so different to DS1, whatever else has gone on he's always been a good sleeper and I think it's spoilt us.

Hi bintofbohemia

sending you a hug and a bottle of gin, poor you sounds tough.

Is he not happy on just a nomal chair, my ds's both gave up high chairs at about 16 months, my 2.5 year old will sit but not for long and if he snacks before dinner he won't eat, so i guess try making sure he is hungry.

Also sometimes it works to IGNORE the behaviour that is making you the most angry.

There is a behaviour DVD and program I did that really helped me called 123 magic. I found it really helped put it all into perspective about behaviours.

really sympathize with you and the sleep this must make you all the more tired and overwhelemed. My ds1 was the worst sleeper, in the end we just said to him ENOUGH, you don't scream out to us all night, you go back to sleep and you stay in bed, we had to do it with an angry tone and it worked, he was about 2.5.

How is he developing in other areas? maybe some help with showing him emotion faces or something might help, he might be really frustrated too.

• thank you Uki. Will have a look for the dvd.

justabout - good god, your poor son - I had no idea the head banging could become such a problem!

So you think we just put him to bed and stay out of his room until he wakes at 6am? Will definitely need the gin - an earplugs. He's a persistent little chap.

This is a little bit off topic and I have no really useful advice apart from what has been said above but I just thought I'd mention that I think remember you from a thread you wrote about not wanting to be induced in AIBU? Sometimes if you look back and see how quickly time has flown from DS not even being born to now it may make it easier to cope with. Sometimes I do a search on here on old threads I've written just to remind myself that every situation is fluid!

Also, you have to do something about the sleep(I say this with a 3 year old and a 1 year old who take it in turns to wake up each night!)If you are tired then everythinge else is more difficult to cope with.

I totally get where you;re coming from about the sitting on the knee thing. Some meal times with DD (19mths) are so frustrating. Then she insists on taking her plate to the dihwasher (copying DS) and sits down there and eats all her food.

ARRGH

Hello Skimty - hmmm...I probably did write a thread about htat, will have to go and have a look now! (I wasn't, as it turned out, he came out of his own accord at home, under water!) But yes, I take your point, and it helps to look at it like that.

Anyway, the good news is that the last few nights he has not only slept through but gone on until about 7am as well! He has a bit of a shout when we first put him down for 5 minutes or so and then that's it. We haven't really done anything, and I'm not getting too excited about it in case it stops as suddenly as it starts, but I think if it does go wrong again we might just leave him to it until he gets the message. It is ridiculous to wake up so much at his age, and our sleep aside it can't be dong him any favours either.

Fingers crossed that things have taken a turn for the better!

Hi bintofbohemia (loving the name!).

I just wanted to add that however you decide to deal with your difficulties the one most important thing is consistency. If you decide that he needs to be in his highchair (and that's what I would do) then keep to it. If he thinks he can get what he wants by screaming and headbanging he'll do it more.

The same goes for nightimes if it goes off again. Decide whether you are willing to sit with him and be very consistent.

If children are unsure about where the boundaries are they will put a lot more effort into pushing them. Children are happier and more secure when they have firm predictable boundaries set for them.

Hi bint

My dd is 20 months - she absolutely refuses to sit in her highchair and can actually undo the clips and climbs out, sometimes she sits on a dining chair (or stands) sometimes she sits on a knee - must 99.9 % of the time she does a bit of both with some playing and wandering thrown in during which we try and sneak in a mouthful or 4!!!!

I have children in there 20's too and they think it's terrible to allow her to (none of them have little darlings of their own I might add) BUT at least she is eating something and not screaming the place down - because I guarentee if I forced anything else on her she would scream and eat nothing!!!

Take heart please - sooner or later they all learn

Morning - guess what, the sleep thing went to shit last night. He woke up at about 2.45 am (covered in poo, poor lad) so we cleaned him up and put him back down, and didn't keep going in to him.

He screamed until 5am. We're all half dead, it's horrific. Woudl you normally expect a child to shout non-stop for over 2 hours when deciding not to intervene?