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Original poster

I said something really unforgivable to DS#2 last night

15 replies

OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 11:06

He was doing his usual refusing to co-operate business. We had 'discussions' about everything from getting in the bath, cleaning his teeth, reading his school book. It was the end of a long day and we were both knackered. Took hours to get him to bed. And he needs his sleep atm (so do I).

At one point when he started to get out of bed for the 10th time to go downstairs and play I shouted at him that we would send him away because he was making our lives hell. He burst into tears and said he didn't want to go away. Of course I instantly said I was sorry and didn't mean it. Then we had a big cuddle and a chat about how we both need to try a bit harder with each other.

But the problem is I don't know how to deal with him anymore. Everything is such a fight. From getting him dressed in the mornings to getting him back to bed at night. I am so tired of it all. DH loses his rag very quickly with him these days too - Dh used to be the most mild-tempered person you could wish to meet.

I know there are no easy answers and I am not expecting anyone here to make it all go away. I just wanted to confess to how vile I was and hope someone can tell me it's all OK and I haven't done too much damage

Poor little lad. I do love him so much.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 29/04/2010 11:10

let him know you lovehim, think of all the good stuff when he is playing up - remembe r it is a phase it will pass- pick your battles carefully and put in lots of things hecan do and get praised for - really hard but worth it in the end - from onewho isstarting to see the light its hard tho.

DottyDot · 29/04/2010 11:12

Awww - how old is he? My ds's are 8 and 6 and it's the end of the day that's a killer here as well.

I think the thing that works for me (sometimes ) is almost leaving them to it - that they have to start taking responsibility for getting teeth done, into pyjamas and ready for bed. I ask them to go up, get ready and if they're ready within 10 mins I'll come up and read them a chapter - if not, I'll be too busy working/washing up (usually watching telly!).

But it depends how old your ds is.

Other than that, lots of sympathy coming your way - the end of the day is soooo hard when you're knackered - maybe glass of red wine waiting for you when he's finally in bed (plus chocolate obv) so you've got something to look forward to?!

DottyDot · 29/04/2010 11:13

And you won't have damaged him - we all say things when we're at the end of our tether - and you apologised straight away (which is more than they do, let's face it!) and he knows you love him.

bintofbohemia · 29/04/2010 11:13

Have about 3 seconds but just wanted to give you a hug, MN or no. I'll come back later with more constructive input.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 11:14

He's 7 dotty. I have tried leaving him to it - he doesn't bother. I've tried bribery and persuasion - he doesn't whatever it is and then screams and sobs when I refuse to give the reward. He simply does not learn about cause and effect. It's so draining.

OP posts:
AitchTwoZone · 29/04/2010 11:19

what about one of these penny jar things? with counters? i don't know much about them but have seen them mentioned on here.
and don't sweat it about what you said, i personally think it's okay to pull kids up short every now and again, they need to know that you're human too.

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/04/2010 11:24

Oh poor you. I don't think what you said was unforgivable at all. You just snapped, said something in the heat of the moment, and then instanly gave him a cuddle. There isn't anything wrong with that. It is worse if you are cool and calculated, and really make your DCs think you are going to send them away. You are only human, you can't help but get pissed off if he keeps getting out of bed.

Practically, god knows what to suggest. I was going to suggest something trite like awards charts (so he gets a sticker every time he goes to bed and stay there) but I imagine you have thought of all these things. Didn't want to let your post go without saying somethuing though. Don't beat yourself up Orm.

DottyDot · 29/04/2010 11:30

Hmm - at 7 he should be open to bribery..!

Have you got a telly upstairs and does he like things like doctor who?

Just thinking you could tell him if he gets changed for bed/teeth done by xxxpm, he can watch one programme in his pyjamas (or something - mine love doing this). He'd still be in bed by 7.30pm or whatever? Maybe once or twice a week let him come back down for a cuddle on the settee and to watch a bit of telly?

Don't know - sorry - I'd do anything to avoid bedtimes and resort to any tricks I can to get them sorted out and in bed well before 8pm so I can unwind!

Last night they were allowed to watch the snooker (I know...) in my bed (they don't have a TV in their room) as long as they then put themselves to bed with no fuss. Sorted - same applies for any football matches - they can watch the first half but then go to bed with no fuss.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 11:31

Thanks everyone. I think I just got it out of proportion. It seemed worse because he is such an affectionate little buy and loves being with me.

getorf - we have a star chart atm. A list of things he can get a tick for every evening and if gets ticks for everything he gets a sticker. And ten stickers mean a reward. But when he gets in the wrong mood he doesn't give a stuff about charts.

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Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 11:34

We do have a TV in our room and sometimes they are allowed to watch in bed. But that only postpones the row - they happen when I turn the TV off instead.

Thanks for the suggestions. I know I am being negative. I think I am just worn out with it atm.

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OrdinarySAHM · 29/04/2010 13:40

He does sound like my DS (age 5) Orm, so I do sympathise/empathise. Like you said, everything seems a battle.

Getting him to get dressed/changed is a big one for us at the moment. Nagging/explaining/bribing doesn't seem to work and like you said, he doesn't seem to understand cause and effect and I'm thinking when I'm talking to him "Why don't you understand when it is so obvious".

The thing that works for me best, although not every time, is if I just say "your clothes are there, I'm not going to nag you to put them on, but when you do, you can have a chocolate snack", then go and do something else and try really hard not to say anything. He also seems to eat better if I just say "I'd like you to eat your dinner and then I'll get you some pudding", then talk to DH and DD about something else and force myself not to nag him, just notice if he does eat it. Sometimes it works....

didgeridoo · 29/04/2010 15:20

I wouldn't worry, Orm. My mother's default response to my bad behaviour was that she would send me to the childrens' home. I knew full well she wouldn't & ignored it after the first few times.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 29/04/2010 15:35

Ahhh...thanks folks

You have made me feel better. I have decided DS#2 will be DH's job tonight.

OP posts:
RGPargy · 29/04/2010 15:41

I used to tell DS that if he didn't behave i would send him to the children's home!! He's almost 20 years old now and he STILL hasn't left home yet!!

didgeridoo · 29/04/2010 16:12

Yes, RG. I'm now 42 & my mum was round here this morning cleaning "the children's home" while I was at work!

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