Extremely shy 7yo doesn't like sport.activities

[mellowdramatic]

I've posted before on MN about my worries for ds1, who has always been extremely quiet and shy. His last teacher said he was the quietest boy she'd come across in 30 years of teaching! He isn't really improving in sport as he gets older - he can't catch, play football or climb, he doesn't like rough games - all the things most 7 year old boys seem to love doing. He can't ride a bike without stabilisers or run very well, and i have to say he doesn't really try at any of these things, even with encouragement, so i've sort of given up. When we walk anywhere he's always been about 5 metres behind, and he shuffles along dragging his feet.

He enjoys going to the beach/walking up hills/playing with one or two close friends he has on sleepovers, and has a great personality when playing with ds2 (5). But I've tried swimming and karate with him as regular activities to try to encourage him physically and "bring him out of himself" and though he enjoyed karate at first, and his brother started going with him, he didn't really make progress and it was such a fight to get him there I've again given up, which i feel quite guilty about.

It doesn't help that I split up with my husband last year so I'm stressed enough with life without having a running battle to make him do things.

Would you persevere and make him do out of school activities or just accept that he's not that type?

is it just sports he is like this with?
does he have other difficulties?

I'd pack him off to Games Workshop so he can spend some time with other boys who hate PE/exercise.

He never wants to do anything really e.g. I'll say we'll go to the beach at weekends and he says he just wants to stay at home. But he enjoys it when he gets there. He doesn't want to go swimming as a family but enjoys it when we're there. i think he'd be happiest though if he didn't ever have to leave the house!

He has PS2 and Wii at home but the things he enjoys the most are playing with his brother and drawing pictures of soldiers/bugs/castles/dragons etc with a black biro - never uses colour. He's not bad at reading for his age but not good at maths. When he interacts with his closest friends he's got a nice personality, but there are only 2 friends at school and 2 or 3 at home. There's another boy from his class down the road who comes and asks him to play and he won't even speak to him.

Perhaps you could ask him if he'd like to try the karate again and maybe see if theres a different teacher - it does seem to be quite a good activity for children who aren't into ball games and contact sports, but I'm suprised you mention lack of progress as DDs lot seems to have frequent belts early on (6 monthly) to encourage the beginners.

But maybe sports just aren't his thing - theres a lot to be said for real activities like hillwalking and beachgoing - things he can do all his life with people or alone.

have his teachers voiced any concerns?
I only ask because he sounds very similar to my brother, who is dyspraxic

some more info on that here

He did get up to yellow stripe belt but physically he didn't actually improve with his various kicks/blocks/sparring etc! And when his brother started with him he stopped listening to the teacher and they used to mess about more. He doesn't seem to try very hard at anything really and is often in his own little world. I want to push him to do more so that he doesn't lose out but i feel like i'm bullying him into it really.

Thanks for the link. He certainly seems to have a few of these traits, but not all. His teacher has mentioned that his handwriting is bad for his age, and he finds it hard to concentrate in a classroom environment. But when he's told how to spell words he does seem to retain it. Did your brother go for an assessment with his GP?

yeah, his teacher picked up on it and he went to the GP who referred him to Dr Amanda Kirby who did the assessment I think (am a bit younger than him so don't remember it all that clearly)

I'll speak to his teacher. Thanks. Does anyone else have children like this?

He does sound quite a lot like my daughter who is just in the process of an autism diagnosis. She is thirteen years old and until recently we never suspected a thing.

I would consider whether the symptons of Asperger's syndrome describe your son.

If he does have autistic traits they may not ever cause him a real problem. There are many people on the mild end of the autistic sprectrum who never get diagnosed. My daughter has only been diagnosed because she could not cope with the transition to high school.

I think that the most important thing you can do for your son is look for his strengths and help him to build on them. If he is happy only to socialise in small groups that's fine. If sports do not interest him then find out what does and appreciate it. Let him be who he is and love him for it. You have described a lovely little boy but I can't help wondering if he knows that's what he is. He may need your help to build up his self-esteem if you have had a relationship breakdown.

If you ever feel that he has difficulties which are affecting or could affect his quality of life then that is the time to ask for an assessment. If you do get to that stage then ask for help and don't give up until you think he has what he needs.

My ds has hypermobility - he was assessed for dyspraxia. Alot of the difficulties are similar though in that the physical things are very hard for him eg catching, bike riding, etc

From what you've described it really sounds as if your ds may have something going on, we can't diagnose, clearly - but I would be going to GP and asking for a referral to a Paed just to take things a bit further.

determined avoidance of physical/co-ordination stuff has been very evident in our ds. He still can't ride a bike without stabilisers either, and can't catch... etc etc. Definitely behind his peers.

I would definitely get your son assessed.

And, in the meantime, lighten up on him and you. Don't battle about this. Maybe stick to one thing per week - swimming, perhaps....and then just really lighten up on everything else. Doesn't matter for now, if he's socialising or doing stuff out of the house. IMO.

Thanks for your comments. I do think he's a lovely boy and tell him that every time i remember - though he doesn't like any smushy talk!! Part of why i'm worried is that one of my friends thinks i should be doing more with him (her ds does 3 different activities a week). But we're out every weekend doing things he enjoys so I'll continue to do that and talk to his teacher about the best way to get him assessed. I know from parents evening that his teacher thinks there's something "odd" even if it's only a mild form of something. It might help him just to get a bit of extra help in class to help his confidence grow.

"Part of why i'm worried is that one of my friends thinks i should be doing more with him "

Perhaps for your friend's children, after school activities were a passport to confidence. Success can make the best of us evangelical.....

But it's not like that for your son, is it? It's not what works for him.

I think your son sounds like a really nice person. How utterly fantastic that he plays so well with his brother. My mother can never watch my two boys playing happily together without sighing and wishing my brothers had got along so well. I bet other mothers feel the same admiration - and perhaps a pang of envy - when they see your lads together.

A dyspraxia assessment sounds like it could be useful since then, when he's older, he would have something to say if he was teased about not being good at sport.

Thanks lingle. I am very proud of them both and how well they can behave - most of the time anyway