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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Have I been too strict or not strict enough?

17 replies

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 18:38

my DS1 who is 8 called me Mrs Fuckpants tonight, this is a recent spate of bad behaviour from him which is getting very tiring tbh.

So, I've tried confiscating his electrical toys, which worked for a while. I've now done this:-

He's been sent to his room, was alllowed to come down for tea, then straight back up, with an early bedtime

All of his stuff, ds, laptop, has been confiscated till Wednesday

No tv till Wednesday

Have I over reacted? I'm so tired of being like a traffic warden parent all the time, I just wish he'd quit the attitude and we could all have some fun times together.

I'm now cancelling outings because I can't stand the embarrasment and humiliation of him kicking off when we're out.

Nothing seems to have any effect on him, he answers back, is rude, and sometimes threatens me. I don't smack my children btw.

Any suggestions? At my wits end here

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FabIsGoingToGetFit · 26/04/2010 18:40

Snap.

I think you have done right.

I have lost my way with mine plenty of times and shouting is where I know I have lost it as they just shout back.

Don't mention it again once you have explained why he can't have his things back and you get an apology but next time take his things sooner if he swears again.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 26/04/2010 18:40

BTW what is with the sweary username?

merrymonsters · 26/04/2010 18:43

I find the book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' very useful.

Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 18:44

it was something my friend said that made me laugh, I'm not a sweary person really

OP posts:

Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 18:45

I've read that book MerryMonsters, have just ordered 'explosive children' to see if that helps.

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Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 19:47

OK well, he's asleep now and has cried and said sorry, he doesn't know why he's so angry all the time, but I think I've made a little break though tonight.

I think I've been a bit of a shouty mum in the past too Fab, perhaps I'm getting that back at me now. But I'm trying, DS2 said yesterday (after his 7th time out) that I was being horrible but in a nice voice, which I took to be a good sign (for me).

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NKfffffffff69f0b8aX12831245b1c · 26/04/2010 20:27

I went on a parenting course to help me cope with my ds's temper tantrums (he's 7). It was helpful, though there's an SN reason for him finding it hard to keep a level head. The big things were:
No.1 Spend proper time with them, doing what they want to do, not what you think they should.
No.2 Praise them for all the stuff they do that's good behaviour, no matter how small or how basic you think it is - be specific, like "You did xx well, you really thought about it".
No.3 Praise them for all their achievements, big or small.
No.4 Have clear rules and stick by them at all times.
No.5 Use time out as a way to get them to calm down, not a punishment.
No.6 Agree short-term behaviour goals and use a points reward system to help get there - never taking points away for bad behaviour, deal with that separately.
No.7 Punishment, like you did, taking away access to games or not getting to go on a planned outing.
That's it summed up, really, and it has had an affect on how we all get along and my ds's behaviour.

NKfffffffff69f0b8aX12831245b1c · 26/04/2010 20:29

Oh, and don't worry about the times you lose the head and shout like a demon at them, but do apologise afterwards and talk about why you felt so angry - sets a good example of taking responsibility for your actions and trying to mend relationships.

Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 20:58

thanks Nkf, I know what you say makes a lot of sense, and I do try to praise him when he does the right thing, he got into the finals of a poem competition today and I didn't get a chance to make a real fuss of him because of the incident.

Things are difficult between me my exh, and contact has been at a contact centre. I know DS1 is worried about his possible circumcision, and his dad has surprised us all by being very supportive.

Maybe he's finding it difficult to deal with this, he understands when we don't get on, it's a comfortable situation I suppose now, and now that we're trying to build up trust with his dad he's not at all comfortable about it.

I'll print out your list and try some out.

OP posts:

activate · 26/04/2010 20:59

2 days for swearing at you? I think you're lenient

Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 21:23

really do you think so activate, I'm on my own so I never know if I've gone over the top or I'm being a soft touch, hence my post.

What would you have done?

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taffetacat · 26/04/2010 21:43

I know swearing is bad, but Mrs Fuckpants is quite funny. Next door (7) calls his Dad dimwit and gets into lots of trouble. I must confess to tittering quietly.

But I do know its not on. It has to be nipped in the bud, I know. He does sound quite normal though and it sounds also like you are doing a great job, so please have some confidence in the good job you are doing.

I find when I am really getting shouty, I need to remind myself of NKffff's number 6 ( great post, btw ). It worked a dream here a few weeks ago when we had a serious defcon 6 situ. I listed all the real issue behaviours, turned them into positive behaviours I wanted to see and made a chart out of them. One was around name calling and it has turned around completely as a result.

Original poster

Dollytwat · 26/04/2010 21:58

my DS1 is very quick and very funny, I love his company when he's not being so angry.

I don't know where he got Mrs Fuckpants from!

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CharlieBoo · 26/04/2010 22:33

Fwiw I think 2 days is about right. I am a bit of a softy though and although that is a really naughty swear word, he is only 8 and kids are kids. It must be really tough on your own and you sound like you're doing a fabulous job.

activate · 27/04/2010 15:50

I don't think it matters what I would have done - it matters what you feel right about - I was just trying to reassure you that you hadn't over-reacted

I don't even allow my kids to say blimey in front of me

Original poster

Dollytwat · 27/04/2010 22:32

It's useful to know what other parents would do in the same situation activate being a single mum is hard when you need some perspective on things.

I think I've done OK, we've carried on the puncishment tonight, which shocked him actually, with a view to letting him have some of his things back tomorrow.

I've now had 2 lovely evenings to myself, have even watched a bit of Eastenders!

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activate · 28/04/2010 06:15

the most important thing with any restriction of this nature, as you've found, is not to buckle under but to hold firm. Children need to know that you mean what you say.

Don't just impose a restriction, warn them that you will if behaviour continues. Draw up initial agreed ways to behave together and actions if they're not followed through (this should be a discussion when you're both in a good place) and both of you sign it then pin it up on the fridge so you can refer to it.

all will be well

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