Extreme sibling jealousy, help!

[MyBoysHaveDogsNames]

I have two DS, one is 18 months, one almost 5 and the 5 year old is constantly hitting the younger one.

I have tried distracting him with other activities, putting him in another room to calm down and spending time with him on his own. This latter one helps but wasn't possible in the Easter holidays and his father is now away for a week and the situation is already driving me barmy!

Has anyone got any ideas of how I can make the older one feel loved and secure while reiterating to him that his behaviour is wrong. I do explain it to him but he seems to have the memory of a goldfish or he just gets so angry he lashes out.

He told his dad that he just 'gets angry' and told me that he finds it difficult to be nice to DS2. He can't put into words why. I can only presume jealousy and competing for attention and his frustration when his train track is knocked over yet again!

I try to be patient and calm myself but he knows how to push my buttons and it is heartbreaking seeing him so upset and the little one get hurt. Any help gratefully appreciated.

It can be upsetting can't it, especially when you'ld love your 2 children to love eachother. One thing I tried with my kids was to take the jealous one alone for a little talk. I told him how much I love him and I would never let anyone hurt him. He felt great. Then when he hurts the little one, I say, 'you know,ds, just as I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, I also wont let anyone hurt dd.'
Also, stories about jealousy can help, so they dont feel you're talking to them directly.
Just try to acknowledge his feelings so that he feels like hes being heard.
I'm telling you this as an ex-jealous oldest child!

I think you just hit the nail on the head, he knows which buttons to press. Sometimes you need to ignore the bad behaviour (obviously, as long as DS2 is ok) and praise the good to the point of a full blown parade and whistles. He will soon learn that being mean to his brother doesn't pay.
I have a dd 6 and a dd 14 mths, the 6 year old is very rough with the baby but the baby loves it!! I worry at times and have expained to my eldest but as the baby laughs and joins in, it is hard to explain that she doesn't like it .
I hope that helps a little, good luck

Thank you both for your replies!

Yes, it does help actually, just knowing other people have the same problem. I will have a chat with him and acknowledge his feelings. That's probably something I don't do enough, I just try to keep everyone happy. Until I'm the one who explodes, which doesn't help.

And I know what you mean about the baby joining in! Sometimes I am about to intervene when the baby is in fits of giggles and I don't want to interrupt a bit of brotherly bonding. Have to turn a blind eye sometimes.

Thank you, you have been much more constructive than my usually helpful MIL, who told me to give him a slap! I explained that wasn't how I wanted to approach it and she backtracked.

I agree with letting him express his feelings no matter how negative. If he says that he hates his little brother. Accept it and don't say 'oh no, you love him really'. It probably is annoying to have your blocks knocked over and someone taking his mum's attention.

One time we picked my 7 year old up from a playdate and instantly he started fighting with my 5 year old. I'd just read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' and I asked them to tell me what they don't like about each other. DS1 said 'I wish he was dead'. DS2 said 'I wish he was never born'. There was a discussion about what was worse, dying or not being born. All the tension went out of the air and they got along for the rest of the walk home and until bedtime.

I had a chat with DS1 tonight about jealousy and other feelings. He equates jealousy to anger and says that he just feels angry sometimes and finds it hard to be nice when he hasn't got any energy. He seemed very sad about it.

I'll have a look out for Siblings Without Rivalry. I've just ordered The Explosive Child which was recommended on another thread. I'll keep talking to him and will get some time this weekend when his dad comes back, so DS1 and I will do something together.

Thank you for your help ladies! Hoping the teenage years will be easier.