please help- screaming baby- can't handle it anymore

[mrsnobby]

Am first time mum to gorgeous 16 wk old but am really struggling. First 8 -10 wks seemed easy in retrospect. BF ing every 3 hrs with bottle at 10.30pm (formula from 12 wks). Have always had a vague routine (his, not mine). He's always woken for a night feed but more recently has started going til 5/ 6am which is great but the daytimes are becoming unbearable. He used to go for a nap in the morning about 1 1/2-2 hrs after waking for about 45 mins- 1hr then 1 1/2 -2 hr nap at lunchtime then another little nap in the afternoon. He is still feeding well but naps during the day seem to have gone totally wrong.

This has resulted in him screamimg, not crying, SCREAMING every time a nap is due. it doesn't matter whether its in his buggy, car chair, baby bjorn (which all used to work like magic) or his cot- he just screams and screams and I can't settle him. I presume this is because he is overtired but I have tried putting him down when he is awake- 20 mins before I think he needs a nap, at the first sign of tiredness, and even when he has gone drowsy after a bit of quiet time and a cuddle but they all result in the same screaming tantrum.

The only time he seems to go to sleep is if he falls asleep feeding- something he hasn't done since he was newborn. He has gone in his cot from qt early and he used to be able to self settle. I just can't understand how we have taken so many steps back, it is far worse now than when he was brand new and seems to be getting worse by the week!

I don't think it's hunger- that's a different cry and he's feeding really well.

Today he woke at 5.20 I fed him then tried to put him back down but he started screaming so I fed him some more and let him fall asleep on me til 7 am, something I have never needed to resort to. He had 20 mins nap in the buggy after 10 mins screaming at about 10am and I tried to put him down at 1- he screamed for 50 mins, slept for 20 mins, screamed for another 30 mins and eventually settled in the buggy for another 20 mins. This afternoon he has been grumpy and fed sleepily on and off.

Am so exhausted. I feel terrible that I must be doing something wrong for him to get into these states and then I can't even comfort him. i pick him up pat him, ssshhh him etc, he spits a dummy out. But he is literally beside himself sobbing with tears, he's bright red and hot, and I end up in tears too- every day at least once. Yesterday we were in the car when it happened- it was just awful. Am becoming scared to leave the house except to walk round neighbourhood with buggy.

It's like the thought that he might have to go to sleep sends him into a rage and he's just incosolable. He cried less at his immunisations! The evenings are the worst. He used to love bathtimes but now he is too tired and we just find we are putting him to bed earlier. My husband is finding it really tough and even my mum (of 3) who has been to stay can't handle it for long! I know everone says it's just a phase but each day is getting worse and I can't see an end to it.

Am contemplating paying someone to come and help if there is someone who will take him on!! I have to say I never thought it would be this hard and having really enjoyed the first couple of months I am actually thinking that I am looking forward to going back to work- something I never thought I would say, although I can't leave him with anyone else if he is still like this.

Would appreciate any words of wisdom, thank you for listening.

I am tempted to say start again and go with what ever he wants. If he wants to be held all day and sleep on you then get yourself drinks, snacks, the phone and the tv and settle on the sofa for the day.

I would offer to cuddle the baby but I doubt you are near me.

So, so much sympathy for you. Mine was like this from 3 weeks and it's heartbreaking - they can fight sleep like nothing else, yet they are so exhausted.

I think Fab's advice is sound. I only really got things to start to turn around when I got that advice on here (actually, I think it was Fab who suggested it, in another incarnation of mine!). I just abandoned any attempts to do anything and did whatever it took to get sleep sorted. It meant no social life for a week or two and lots of rocking/slinging/getting him down for a sleep within 45 minutes of waking some mornings but it did result in some improvements - mainly because there is often a big component of overtiredness.

You will get lots of advice and support on here - just keep asking when you are struggling. People who haven't had a baby like this just can't grasp how hard it is. All I can say by way of reassurance is that it will get better, it will. DS is now a complete joy approaching 3 years old and I have another one on the way - it isn't always this horrible.

16 week growth spurt? Can play havoc with their moods when they feel hungry ALL the time. I agree with Fab, perhaps just give into it for a few days, let him sleep on you, cuddles, keep feeding till he refuses. Lower your expectations massively and then you'll find that he'll eventually slip back into his old routine or a new one that's less demanding.

Repeat this mantra, it's just a phase, its just a phase. I know it may feel like its getting worse, but he will turn a corner and you will have got through it.

Also, if it gets too much and you've done EVERYTHING you can to settle him. Put him in the cot. Shut the door. Give yourself 10 minutes.

Also, don't be scared to feed him to sleep if that's what works. Do whatever it takes to make things easier for yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong

Agree that just pandering to him will probably be the best bet at this stage - if it means you're glued to the sofa for hours, then at least you'll get some rest. It probaly is a growth spurt (although could it be colic?) and will pass.

And I think the best advice I was ever given was that if a baby cries for a bit it won't do any harm - if you're getting teary and stressed and about to explode, put him down somewhere safe, walk away, count to twenty, take some deep breaths, go back.

Ah mrsnobby I feel for you.

My DS (18weeks) has pretty much been as you describe since birth, except that nothing would get him off to sleep during the day until very recently. He will now fall asleep at the breast but only stay asleep while on the breast!! I also have to pay him some white noise, loudly, often to get him relaxed enough to feed.

Night times are a major relief.

I am just so grateful that he has any naps at all that I just go with it.

I think that they are still so little at this age that I'm willing to just go with what he wants for now and consider weaning him off these habits later.

I know this isn't much help but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone

I have no advice to offer.......just to say that I'm in the same situation. My DD1 was exactly as you describe (now 25 months) and my 10 wk old is right in the middle of it! She will scream herself to sleep and then wake up again after 10 minutes. She's exhausted all day and cries most of the afternoon through tiredness.

The only comfort i can offer is that it won't last forever!!

As others have said if feeding him to sleep gets him to sleep - do it.

Dont worry about bad habits and things at this stage. You are still in the very early stages and he will not learn new habits whilst stuck in this rut anyways so youre banging your head against a brick wall imo.

Remember to stay calm, babies get stressed if we're stressed too.

Just take him out in teh buggy if you want and wander round and talk away to him etc - let the aim of teh game be for him to be relaxed not asleep and you never know. Ds hated his pram btw when in this mood so I used to put him in his car seat on the pram base thing.

This will pass, I promise. It doesnt seem like it but it will.

As the others have said - do whatever it takes to get him to sleep and don't beat yourself up if he's feeding to sleep when 'the book' says he shouldn't or whatever! You've got plenty of time for those battles later! Nearly all babies are two steps forward, one step back, so just go with the flow. You're not doing anything wrong!

Just wanted to mark my place in case there are any other suggestions and tell you I feel your pain. My DS is like this and has been since day one. Just started weaning (he's 22 weeks but over 22lbs!) and he's now usually only waking once in the night which is an improvement from before. Hope introducing his 3rd solid meal will break the sleeping through.

Not suggesting early weaning btw in case someone flames me. I had to argue with lots of people pushing me to wean early when DS doubled his birth weight by 14 weeks. Last weigh in HV was amazed I hadn't started as he was over 21lb.

Thanks so much for all your support. Guilt easing a bit already. Really appreciate it. Husband home having been away for a couple of days and having to do it all on my own so he came in and took DS off my hands and I managed to sit on the balcony with a glass of wine- feel better already! Tomorrow another day.....

I know people have probably said this to you loads of times but I promise you that it gets better!
I felt the same as you as my DD screamed & cried nearly all day, every day until she was 5 months. My Mum has 5 children & 7 grandchildren and she couldn't even handle it.
As soon as I started weaning her at 5 mths she became a totally different baby. Totally chilled out.
Also my DD got her 1st two teeth at 15 wks old. I'm sure this had something to do with her irritability.
Anyway, like some of the other mumsnetters have said.. for now, just do whatever it takes for your baby to sleep & settle. You can worry about routines etc later on.

Yeah DS has got 2 teeth now. The first came in around 18 weeks.

Hi there, my 16 week old dd also really screams and screams when she's tired. It took me forever to work out that she was tired, because ds never did that. He'd whimper in a pathetic little voice and eventually drift off, but she has so much fury it took me ages to realise she was tired. I assumed if she had the energy to scream she couldn't possibly be tired.

I will also echo the others... feed your ds to sleep if that's what works, apart from anything you can use it to get him in to a pattern of sleeping at certain times. Eventually it'll become so ingrained in him that he has a sleep mid morning and mid afternoon (for example) that he'll hopefully eventually just go for it without needing bfing.

Fwiw... dd isn't really having naps in the daytime any more, 20 min power snoozes and that's it. So different to ds.

He is so tiny.The one thing that worried me about your post is that you seem to be treating him like a much older child.A baby that age isn't having a tantrum,he just needs what he needs and he isn't getting it.As all the above posters have said I would go with what your baby is asking for and forget about routines etc.Feed him to sleep,take him to bed,and don't worry about it.He is a tiny tiny baby .Just go with whatever he wants.