Strategies for dealing with constant whinging/tears age 5?

[clemette]

Dear all,
I am hoping someone can share some practical tips on how to deal with my DD. She has just turned 5 and doesn't ever seem to stop complaining and crying if she doesn't get EXACTLY her own way at exactly the time she wants it. Her crying will frequently turn to shouting at us and slamming around the house like a teenager!
Generally she asks for/to do something, we start to say no, or not yet, and she just dissolves into tears. Or we can unwittingly do something "wrong" and the same thing happens.
Frankly she is behaving like a spoilt brat!
She started school in January and I know that part of it is linked with that, but it has been going on for months and it is spoiling any time we have together as a family. Even if we give her special one-to-one time (she has a 2yo brother) she just complains about that.

So - what can we do? It has been driving me to lose my temper and tonight, after six incidences of strops since coming home from school and a warning each time, I sent her to bed with no stories. But I don't want to "punish" her, I just want her to cheer up and stop whinging all the time. Does anyone have a magic wand that makes this disappear (or at least get a bit more manageable)?
Thanks in advance.

Oh, really feel for you. I could have written this post myself so will be watching with interest and hoping for some advice. My dd is only 3.9 years but sounds exactly the same and it has been going on for a few months (she also has an 18 month old brother who she seems very jealous of at the moment). Sorry I'm no help but hopefully people with good advice will come to help us soon!

I think personally that the only thing that will really work is to not engage with her when she's whingeing. If she dissolves into tears when she doesn't get something, be brisk and business like and get on with something else. If she whinges endlessly, tell her you'll talk to her when she can use her proper voice. I think when she is calm is the best time to give her a hug and tell her how proud you are of her and how you don't like it when she is not behaving like herself and gets so 'toddlerish'. Or words to that effect.

Also, I think it's important, on the positive side, to always speak to her as an equal member of the family, and include her in adult conversations; and give her responsibilities. The more sensible, trustworthy, and grown up she feels, the greater her vested interest in behaving that way....imo.

For instance my neice is constantly told to go and play and stop 'listening to adult talk' - she's very much treated as 'the child'....resulting, I think, in my neice having a very immature manner of speaking and of dealing with things.

Hope some of that makes sense, anyway.

ds's whinging and crying when things don't goes his way is starting to improve with consistant (until you get bored to death with it!), down at his level and firm -

• "I cant hear you when you speak in a whinny voice, when you talk to me properly I will listen to you"

• "How do you ask for that in a grown up way" (when he says muuuummmmmmmm I can't get my shoes on, I make sure he says "can you help me please" instead before I help)

• "Sorry, crying just because you can't/don't want to/ ____ is not acceptable, come and talk to me about it properly when you have calmed down"

Its taken a while and can be time consuming but he is starting to learn whinning and crying isn't getting what he wants and is getting slowly better. He did shout back a bit, but I ignored it and repeated what I wanted (but only once or twice to make sure he knew what was expected and then ignored). Not sure what I would have done if door slamming was involved, would probably put him somewhere to calm down (on sofa with TV off for example).

When he first started I was worried he was sad/crying etc but I don't believe he was ever really upset, just needed to be shown how asking properly gets results and he seems a lot happier now.

Thank you. This morning she was on her very best behaviour telling me that she was never going to whinge again!
I think it just pushes my buttons and I want to "fix" it but I need to be patient!

Anybody else got any tips?