Toddler completely lost ability to settle and resettle at night, up for hours with him, help!

[bondgirl77]

Ok, so have recently moved DS to a toddler bed and got rid of dummy and since then bedtime is a nightmare. Despite me restricting/missing out nap completely in day he stays up for hours in the evening and worse, has now started waking in the night for up to two hours at a time and not going back to sleep. Result = overtired, exhausted child AND parent. I'm effectively a single parent as DH disabled following stroke, so don't have partner preparing the dinner whilst I do bedtime etc. So basically I can't afford the time it takes to settle him. If I stay with him whilst he settles he frequently makes a game of it, if I'm sitting quietly he will come further and further up to me, a cheeky smile on his face, pull my hair, endless requests to rub his back etc but this does not seem to result in sleep, just lies there with eyes open. I am end of my tether with sleep deprivation! And not sure what to do, tonight he is in his room in tears, I have no plan and have been giving loads of mixed messages which I know is bad. Feels like nothing is working and I've lost my way a bit with any routine I had . Any ideas? Do you just have to stay with them whilst they are toddlers to get them off? I'd been having reasonable success leaving him to it behind a stairgate in his room, but that all seems to have gone to pot.

I went through a similoar thing with my ds1. We decided the easiest thing to was to sit in with him until he fell asleep. We did not think longer-term and how we'd get out of that!
How old is your ds?

Is it an option to tell him that it is bedtime and that you are going to be in the living room, but will come in and check on him in 5 mins?
Personally, depending on age, I'd leave him to it and pop in and out.

He is 2.5. Yes, I've just done that - been in there rubbing his back since I posted earlier message. What I've been doing is putting up the 'magic gate' and saying 'mummy's not far away' which has worked reasonably well up until very recently. He is now working himself up into a right old paddy but frankly, sitting there and being smiled at and prodded and chatted to endlessly whilst rubbing his back, I can't go there. I'm starving and haven't even had dinner yet! I work 4 days a week and I desperately need my evenings to just chill out.

Same thing happened to us, and I realised it was my DD (now 2.5) being so excited at being in her toddler bed that she couldn't get to sleep! She is fine now though, I just used to make sure she was properly tired (not overtired), sit on the rocking chair with her read 3 books, then she'd get into bed and I would kneel by her bed in the dark and sing, over and over again until she went to sleep, then I'd creep to the doorway and wait until I knew she was asleep (and not likely to leg it) and then I'd run for the wine bottle! After a few weeks of this I explained that we would have 3 books and 3 songs and now she gets herself off to sleep.
I would IIWY give him back his dummy until you know he's settled in his new bed routine. Give him every chance to get used to getting into his new bed and going to sleep before you get rid of it. I would also let him have a nap if he wants one, he's more likely to play up if he's overtired I reckon.
HTH

I would seriously consider giving him his dummy back.

I would just go in , lie him down say bedtime and repeat
the first few nights will be a pita but eventually he'll get the message that you mean help
all the back rubbing etc is giving him attention and not letting you do what needs to be done
when you see him getting better give him loads of praise in the morning

Can you all eat together in the evenings before he goes to bed? That way you won't be so hungry.

I wouldn't go back to the dummy because I think you will end up going through it all again when you bin it.

You have to keep giving him the same message that it is bedtime, not time for chatting.

Imho, of he is in his room, leave him be. Maybe go in occasionally and put him in to bed and say goodnight.

If he comes out of his room, just kep taking him back.

Stick to your guns and it won't take long for him to get the message.

ps: I'm in the same situation with dh who has had a stroke. It does get easier as they get older and more independent.

Thanks everyone for your help! MN never disappoints me for parenting support and I'm so grateful. He has just gone off. It is just soooooooooo frustrating and eating into my precious me time.

SuperCherry thank you, but I can't give dummy back (though believe me have considered it!!) he was biting through them at a rate of one a week and they are too darned expensive to replace!

SarfEasticated, that's made me think actually I used to be really strict about 2 books 2 songs but recently have been veering off with extra made up stories etc so maybe I need to set those bedtime boundaries again.

compo you are right I must learn to praise him in the morning if he has had a good night. I forget that he's probably reaching the age where stickers and rewards can start being used.

DaftApeth, I am so looking forward to that time! Reassuring to know. How serious was your DH's stroke? Mine lost his speech (coming back slowly) and the use of his right arm, pretty crucial for picking up etc in those early years. I would be interested in hearing about your experiences, I've posted before on the parents with disabilities board but it doesn't seem as active as the main boards.

I find that if my DD doesn't have enough sleep during the day she it terrible to get to sleep at night. over-tired, mucking around, a bit manic - maybe let him have a nap until the rest of his routine calms down a bit.

Hi Bondgirl - dh had his stroke 10 years ago, he was 36.

Initially, it affected his swallow (which luckily only lasted a couple of weeks) and his left side (he was left handed).

He could not even sit up or stand, transfer from bed - chair or wheelchair.

Luckily it did not affect his speech or cognitive functioning (just very high level affects which do not really show much)

He now walks without a stick, manages stairs with a handrail, drives, cooks and works. He still gets quite tired, has odd aches and pains from walking unevenly, finds public transport tricky but sometimes uses it.

With regard to the children, he was able to bottle feed them when small, push around in buggy (they always fell asleep because of his gait ). Carrying them was not possible or changing nappies or dressing them.

As they have got older though, (now 8 and 5), he can pretty much do everything with them, even a limited amount of football with ds.

It is clear that our family activities are quite different from other families though. We don't go on family bike rides or skiing. Dh likes to take them to cinema, park. He is quite hands on now, I would say.

Well, that was an epic post! Maybe I should look up your previous thread in Parents with disabilities?

I (single parent and totally get the not-having-had-dinner-yet thing) had this problem with DS (just turned 3) a while ago. I ended up concluding that me staying within arm's distance was definitely not helping - he would stay awake playing with my hair for ages. For us the key was no daytime nap, meaning he was definitely sleepy enough to fall asleep quite quickly, otherwise he just kept getting up.

I normally either tell him I'm coming back to check on him in one minute or ask him if he wants something and then go to get it. I then just stay away and he falls asleep by himself. In summary: lie

Yes, that tactic has worked for me before too, Gleeb

Hi
I am currently going through this at the moment and have been for the past 3 weeks. DS (2.3) moved into his toddler bed a month ago and the first week he was fine. However, since then he has also lost the ability to fall asleep by himself. He wants me to sit next to him holding his hand until he falls asleep. Unfortunately for me, every night it was taking him longer and longer to fall asleep as he would do everything in his power to keep me there - ask for drinks, chit chat etc. I read somewhere that toddlers are great negotiators and that's certainly true!!

The problem with staying with them until they fall asleep is, if they wake in the night (which DS was doing 3 times), you have to go through the same rigmarole over and over again. I was surviving on little to no sleep as it was taking so long to get him to sleep during the night that I couldn't get back to sleep myself. Plus, it was taking him up to 1.5 hours to settle him to bed in the evening.

I decided that, if I wanted this to stop once and for all, I had to teach him to self-settle once again and get the message that children stay in their beds until morning. The last 3 nights have become loads and loads better. To get him to bed at night I just talk softly over the day and talk about what we're going to do the following day, kiss, cuddle him etc. When I try to leave he usually gets up but I persuade him to get back into bed (I don't put him in myself), which he usually does. It has helped that I've said his toys are tired and want to go to sleep and they need him to sleep too. Reinforce the idea that nighttime is for sleeping, he has to stay in his own bed etc. When I leave again I explain I will come back and see him in 5 minutes but he has to stay in bed. I tell him I have to make a phone call/put some washing in the machine/do some ironing etc etc and then I will come back as long as he is still in bed. That has worked as he just falls asleep whilst waiting for me!

Like I said before, he was waking 3 times a night. Now it is down to only once if at all. He woke at 4am and I did "rapid return" where you just keep putting them back to bed each time and leaving the room. I say very little except that it's nighttime, everyone is asleep etc. I'm not saying it is easy (it took 15 goes of putting him back to bed) but he did get the message and then stopped getting up. I didn't enjoy doing it as my instinct told me to stay with him but it wouldn't break the habit. Once he'd decided he would stay put I would tell him he was a good boy, gave him a kiss and once again said I'd be back in 5 minutes to see him. This has also worked.

I'm not saying this will work and you might not even want to do it but it has been a breakthrough for me. I'm not a single parent but my DH works night shifts and is currently working nights all week so I have to deal with it myself.

Good luck whichever route you choose!!

Thanks Babyisaac! That sounds exactly the sort of technique that might also help me - as he is waking lots in the night at the mo and I'm sure it's all connected to this bedtime thing. think I might try the rapid return in the night, it's tempting just to bed down on the floor in the middle of the night but it doesn't really get you anywhere in terms of teaching them to settle down. I returned to my old techniques tonight, strict 2 stories, 2 songs, then over the gate and didn't go back, just called from bottom of stairs if he shouted out for me. Took over an hour but he went off with no intervention which was what I wanted. Just the night to get through now!

Daftapeth, I will start a thread on the parents with disabilities board, to see if there are other parents who have had strokes. Haven't gone on there for a while so maybe it's time to start again, there might be new people out there. My DH had a stroke on the LH side of the brain so it's affected his RH side, he was right handed so has learned to use his left hand for everything. He's still one-handed which has been difficult, but wouldn't have been much of a hands on dad anyhow IYSWIM. He's more of an older children fan so I'm really hoping their relationship will develop when DS gets a bit older. For now my parents live really near and give me lots of support, and my dad is just the active male role model that DS needs in the early years, which is great. hopefully see you on the other board? x

How did you get on last night Bondgirl? I am definitely winning the battle. Settled DS in about 10 mins and then he woke at midnight, I put him back into bed and, as much as he wanted to, he didn't actually get out again. Stuff seems to be working but I won't count my chickens!!!

Hello Babyisaac! I think you and I are going through exactly the same thing at the moment! I have had a successful couple of nights, being decisive and explaining to DS about what is going to happen in advance seems to have helped a lot. I have repeated that we are having 2 stories, 2 songs then mummy is going over the gate and it is sleepytime. Both nights he has been straight to the gate, demanding cuddles, back rubbing etc, but the crying for this has stopped within 5 minutes once I've gone downstairs and shown him I'm not standing for any nonsense! He woke a couple of times in the night but not for long. Amazing how much less stressed I have felt in the evenings! As with you I'm not counting my chickens. But I also realised that this past week he has been ill and this definitely causes disruption in whatever techniques you are doing!