Starting preschool on Tuesday. There will be tears - mine!

[GoldenSnitch]

DS turned 3 last month. On Tuesday, he starts pre-school. I'm scared.

I've been really lucky and have only ever had to leave him with either my MIL (usually), my Mum (twice - she lives a long way away), SIL1 (once, 20 mins) SIL2 (once) and a good friend who I've known since we were both pregnant (twice) He's never been left with strangers and he's never been left with a large group of children.

I've been taking him to the attached toddler group for a few months so he's played in the same room as 2 of the boys who'll be at pre-school before but never seemed interested in playing with them. Their favourite game is racing round on some toy motorbikes which doesn't give much scope for interaction.

But Tuesday, I need to take him and leave him.

When I took him for his 1 hour trial a few weeks ago he clung to my leg for the first 10-15 minutes then joined in but with a close eye on me - making sure I was still there. Eventually, he went off with his keyworker but he was still watching me. When we went to pick up his uniform, he refused to look at anyone at all!!

My plan is to take him in and stay until he will let me go then tell him that I am just popping round the corner to the shop and I will be back in a minute. He knows where the shop is because it is our local shop and is next door to the toddler group. He will 'know' where I am. I'm hoping that he will then get so engrossed in playing that he won't notice when I am gone for a couple of hours rather than a few minutes.

But do I tell him the plan beforehand? Will that worry him?

Part of me thinks I should start talking to him tomorrow and say "mummy's going to take you to pre-school then nip to the shop. Then I'll come back for you" to prepare him for being left. DH has been telling him that I'm going to leave him and I don't like it.

Part of me thinks that if I give him too much warning of being left, he might start panicing when we get there and will take longer to settle. Maybe if I spring leaving on him once he's settled and playing, he won't mind so much??

He trusts me and I really don't want him to feel abandoned. I have trust issues with my own parents so I may be being too sensitive though. He is also my PFB.

I know even if he cries he'll be fine within a few minutes but I still hate the thought of him crying.

Please help.

Hi. Aw you sound very stressed out about this. Like you said you have been so lucky not having to leave your son until now so you really should not feel bad that the time has come to make that separation.

Is pre-school attached to a school? Just wondering if you could maybe phase in the amount of time you leave him. I know you said you have been for an hour visit previously but that is hardly enough time to familiarise your son and yourself with a totally new routine.

My daughter, also 3 (Jan) is starting at a new nursery next week and over the next couple of weeks I am gradually increasing the length of time she will spend there without me so when the time comes to be left all day it will not be such a big wrench for either of us. She has attended nursery since she was seven months old though so I know this process will be quicker and easier for us than for you.

I would talk to your son beforehand about what is going to happen but not too much! Just enough to prepare him without scaring him. Like you said tell him you will be popping to the shop and back soon. I wouldn't spring it on him when you get there because he will have enough to take in. Give him a little bit of warning and make it an attractive proposition - 'While you are so busy playing with your new friends I'm going to pop out to the shop. You're so lucky you'll be having lots of fun while I'm doing boring jobs!'

If possible I would also arrange something with your child's teacher like giving them a ring an hour or so after you drop off just to check how he is getting on. I have done this loads with my daughter at her previous nursery and was always re-assured that she had settled fine. However this may be more difficult if the pre-school is attached to a school- as a teacher myself I know that it can be virtually impossible to escape from class and it may be school policy not to make 'special allowances' unless there is a genuine need, e.g. if your son is severely distressed.

I am sure that your son will soon settle and enjoy his pre-school activities. Like you said any tears etc. will no doubt be reserved for your benefit and dry up once you are out of the building! If he says he has enjoyed it when you pick him up I feel that cancels out any worrying tears he may have when you drop him off. Chances are he will want to stay longer which is great. I have had that quite a few times - moaning and tears about not wanting to go then disappointment when I go to pick her up!

Be strong. By sending him to pre-school you are providing a unique learning experience that he will not get at home so keep in mind it is the right thing for him.

Good luck. Would love to know how you get on.

Hi Vic, thanks for replying.

DS is booked to do just 2 mornings a week at first (this is the minimum allowed) but we have a place for all 5 mornings reserved for him so we can increase the time he goes as he gets comfortable there. They currently only run 2 afternoon sessions a week but there is a possibility I could sign him up for those at a later date too. The plan is to have him doing at least all mornings, and maybe any available afternoons by the time he is almost ready to start school in 17 months time.

You're right about wanting to stay longer. When I took him for his hours trial, we ended up staying for 90 mins because he didn't want to leave! But I was with him then and he kept checking I was there. It's the leaving him on his own that worries me.

He will love it when he's settled I'm sure. We've recently had a DD and almost 3 hours of not having to be careful of the baby will probably be bliss for him. And you're right about the learning experience too. I take him to as many toddler groups/swimming lessons/messy play activities etc that I can manage but they will do a whole load of new stuff with him and he will learn to be a little more independent ready for starting school. The last thing I want is to get to the first day of real school never having him left him and then have to send him for 5 whole days - weaning us both into this is best for everyone.

I loved school and nursery as a child and apparently the only tears the first time my Mum left me were hers. I was want that for DS too. My Mum and Sister and multiple friends are teachers so I know they'll look after him, I'm just finding letting go hard I suppose. I just don't want him to be scared or feel abandoned.