nearly 3yo but not able to say any words

[lovechoc]

I started discussing this on another thread, ended up hi-jacking it so thought I'd start a thread from scratch about it.

Is anyone else going through this? I have a nephew who is nearly 3yo but cannot say any words, eats jars of baby food which is his main diet(sometimes mashed banana too), gags on solids (which the parents have tried with him months ago) so continued on the jars of food. For a while he was only eating one specific jar of food and wouldn't eat any other type but now he seems to be eating different jars.

He is only just getting seen by SLT and a paed, think it's over the next fortnight this is going to be happening.

Both parents are introverts, they don't really say v much about their concerns over him, but I'm sure they are worried.

He was a late walker too. MIL v concerned about his development and hoping it's got nothing to do with autism.

Sounds like he could definitely use some help. Glad they're getting some support now. I think you can best help by regularly pointing out all the lovely things about him. Parents need to hear that their baby is loved and has lots of positive points when they are worried, I think.

MIL lets us know how they are because they don't really give the impression they want anyone to be involved or to know their business. But yes, MIL does praise him when he's done something good. It is still a worrying time and really more of a concern as to why they've left it so long to seek help IYKWIM?

Oh, you're not actually in touch? You won't really be able to assess the situation with any accuracy or help out then, I guess. What were you hoping to gain from the thread?

Hi there!!

What age did he start walking at?

From what you said on previous threads, could it be that his mum has an issue with food and that is being transferred to the child?

I know that I have quite a few food issues and I'm ADAMENT that DS (and DD, of course) will not have the same issues - I know that my issues came largely from my mum.

I also eat when they eat, but only ever salad / stirfry / healthy foods (I relied on baby food for DS and, while I am sure it's no less nutritious, it (IMHO) stops the natural intrigue of 'food'..) I save the crisps for after they have gone to bed!!

Seriously, what would your SIL say if you invited her to a playdate?

I was wondering if anyone else has come across this situation and what the likely outcome is going to be - that's why I've started the thread. MIL is aware of what is going on and has spoken to them about him. That's why she's so concerned.

Also looking for advice from anyone who is SLT.

hi harimo - he started walking at 23mo. You also mention that you eat with your DC - MIL has told me this is a bugbear of hers in that they all eat seperately - they don't eat a meal together and never have. So how can they learn to enjoy certain foods (esp the one with speech delays) if they don't see their parents eating at the table.

We have invited them over for lunch as a family but she made excuses saying 'it clashes with naptimes' so I suggested even just a visit for 30 mins but no...we were invited up to their house (nearly 2 years ago!) and only hear of them via MIL now. they just don't really get in touch (each to their own).

skegness I'm not having a go at the parents, I'm trying to find out what the likely outcome is for this little boy - it's v worrying to have just been told recently he's only eating jars of baby food and he's nearly 3yo.

Well, food issues and seriously delayed speech could be due to an underlying learning disability. Both are common red flags for certain disorders such as autistic spectrum disorder or dyspraxia or global developmental delay. But it may not be so- some kids really do just take their time and develop more slowly in some areas but catch up. And also, ime, it is difficult to predict how any disability that is present will ultimately affect a child in the longer term. At age 2 or 3 a child with quite mild ASD who goes on to cope v well may appear very badly affected, for example.

Oh, I suppose that is quite late. My DS walked at 14MO and I thought he was late!!

I'm guessing that your DH and the dad are brothers? Would they be able to talk?

I think Skegness does make a valid point... you are going to have to keep any discussion / conversation away from the kids if you are able to talk to the parents. All parents are likely to be over protective of their children and not want to hear that they are 'slow' or have a 'problem'...

DH and the dad are brothers. DH says he'd rather not discuss it because he feels it has nothing to do with him and he doesn't want to get involved...

Yes, he's been late at most milestones so far but like everyone else, we've all just assumed that he's done things in his own time (guidelines are only guidelines afterall) but the food thing is v concerning, esp the gagging that he's done so it must be something physically wrong??

MIL knows what's been happening and updates us otherwise we'd never know what's been going on. Even then she's not seen as 'supportive' apparently

But, could your DH maybe try and restart his relationship with his brother (nothing to do with your nephew in the first instance) and just take it from there.

My Dh has a brother a bit like that (no kids though)... I get on with BIl quite a bit, but he does make me laugh... the first time he met my DS, I joked that he'd be more likely to shake DS's hand then give him a little cuddle... And he DID!! He came in, shook DS's hand (twice) and asked him about the cricket.

DS was 6MO at the time

But, this was after maybe 2 years of us trying to 'talk' to him, IYSWIM... It took DH to have a 1-0n-1 relationship with him to break the ice. Even now, I would NEVER ask BIL any questions, but I know that BIL knows he can talk to DH and that's a good start.

(BIL had tough time with wife a few years ago)

DH and his brother rarely phone each other - even MIL said she can't fathom out her other son (not DH!) after all these years - he is just v quiet, doesn't talk etc. His wife v much the same...it's a battle trying to keep up the conversation (only seen them a handful of times and MIL also agrees with me, it's hard going!). I am still intrigued as to how they both met each other when they are both so quiet!! I wonder who started the conversation first...

I don't think anything will make them change so we've all just accepted that's how they are and keep minimum contact.

At least your H's brother can talk and made an effort with your DS harimo! lol

I just hope things get better for this little boy.

IME it can be very hard to get speech therapy etc referrals before 3 anyway in some areas.

as parent to a child with SN - given your nephew is under paed and SLT, so you know they are in the system and should hopefully be receiving appropriate treatment/investigation/educational support - I would just leave your BIL/SIL be - encourage lines of communication in general, but let them talk to you about their concerns as and when they are ready to.

some good general info about delayed language on www.ican.org.uk and www.afasic.org.uk if you want to read more about the subject.

re:eating a meal separately - vast majority of kids will eat OK and talk OK at rising 3 regardless of whether they have chatty family meals - OK it may be not helping the situation but quick fix it suggestions like that when there is a developmental delay are likely to be a bit irksome to parents of kids with SN.

in terms of outcome - he's so young it would be unfair and impossible to speculate. hopefully even if there is any underlying ASD/developmental disorder he will be helped to communicate to the best of his potential.

btw do you have children a similar age or younger but more able than the nephew? If so, BIl/SIL may find the comparison (even if not explicit) very painful.

TotalChaos you've raised a few good points. Thanks for your input

"let them talk to you about their concerns as and when they are ready to"

I wish!! that's my point though - MIL struggles to get info out of them about their DC at the best of times, they don't even talk to us or any other of the siblings in the family - they are both introverts. More likely to get blood from a stone...

The eating meals seperately thing is something that MIL worries about, she feels the youngest isn't learning about food and the social aspects of eating together because it never happens. But she hasn't raised this issue with them, only noticed every time she goes in to visit (once a week roughly).

Yes I have a child the same age as their youngest, so I can imagine they must feel the strain as they'll be assuming MIL is comparing one grandson to another. But we've hardly been up to visit them (maybe once or twice in a year) so it's not like we brag about him or phone up to discuss how our LO is doing. As I've previously said, there's minimum contact from either them or us so they'll only know what's happening via MIL.

p.s. Just to also point out, we've also had our concerns over DS like any other parent, so we're not immune and don't have a 'perfect' child ourselves! It wouldn't be normal to just sail through parenthood without having some worries along the way. I just wish they felt they could discuss these matters with the relatives rather than shying away - we all have problems!

it's a very raw time when you first start realising your kid is likely to have SN (some parents describe it as a form of grief) - so some people do shut themselves away, and don't want to discuss it with family. for some it is easier to talk online with people in a similar position than to talk with family. E.g. I found it hard to discuss the issues with PIL as already had an awkward relationship with them. If they are computery type introverts then they may (or may not) like to talk on a special needs parents forum - other than on here, there's a reasonably good one on netmums, a good site called special kids in the uk, or a forum called asd-friendly.

Not being able to say any words at age 3 would ring alarm bells, sorry. When DD had a few words in total from her three languages at age 2, her doctor said "As long as she can say one word perfectly, it's OK".

At the very least, his hearing should be checked.

As for food issues, I would start by pureeing home-made food, then pureeing it less and less over a few weeks until he gets used to the pieces.

His hearing has been checked CoteDAzur but he didn't respond to the test so he's now been referred to a CDC with SLT and paed input. Since they only just went to see a HP about him very recently, I'd imagine it went down as 'urgent' so he's getting seen v quickly, as in over the next few weeks.

The parents don't really cook home-made meals tbh, so I am not sure they can puree home-made food for him.

thanks totalchaos it's good to hear it from the perspective of someone who is in their situation and been through the process already. I don't think the other DIL likes MIL very much - she always makes excuses not to visit.