Nursery's assessment of my DS 3.5

[bunsen]

Hi all hope you can help me here as I am worried about how my child is getting on at Nursery. He doesn't like going and I put that down to him being tired in the afternoons so have changed him to mornings as of this week and he seemed better. However, I went to the parents evening tonight and was told that my child needs help to settle and they are bringing in a state school teacher to help him do that. What worried me most was that they said that his speech is poor but infact it is beyond his years, every health practitioner I have met has commented on his excellent vocabulary and clarity in his speech. They say he does not interact with his peers but he plays well with kids of my friends even though he only sees them intermittently. I don't know whether to keep him there, try a different one or give a childminder a go. The only purpose for the care is to get him used to being round other children ready for school, but not sure if I am making ot worse by sending him to this nursery when he doesn't seem to like it very much. He is a sensitive soul but outgoing when he is comfortable.

What are your instincts telling you? You know your child best. Are you happy with the care your child is receiving at the nursery? Do you have a good relationship with the staff? Is your son generally happy at nursery or not? What's he like at home? In other settings? Do you think he has any issues or problems that may need investigation or support?

If I were you I would also clarify with the nursery exactly what they think your son's issues are and what the teacher coming in will be doing with him? They need to be really clear with you and explain in detail. then you can decide whether or not you feel all of this is appropriate.

my instincts are telling me that something isn't right. I felt shocked when they told me his speech was poor, like they were talking about someone else's child. My boy is very clingy with me and talks non stop to me, I think he is doing this with carer and maybe she is not giving him the attention he likes and he is withdrawing from everyone. I understand that she has 7 other children to look after and involve with but maybe she is not going about it in the right way. She is the childcare professional, surely she has experienced a talkative child who prefers adult company before. He is an anxious boy, he likes the comfort of being at home surrounded with his own toys and when we go out sometimes on the way there he will ask to go home already. I need to get him out of his comfort zone but how to do it? All the kids his age now go to nursery, my friends can only see us once a week or so as they have jobs/other friends/commitments I am finding it hard to get him out the house mixing with kids his own age as the toddler groups are too babyish for him now. I think the long winter has made it worse as he has been ill and we have been housebound with the snow a lot.

Ask them what they mean 'exactly' about poor speech. Is it more his communication they are worried about?

Do they think the quality of his speech is poor, or is he choosing not to speak much? My daughter's Reception teacher thought that DD had hearing problems, but in fact my daughter was blanking her because she wasn't sure she liked her. You do need to discuss this further with the nursery.

Your son sounds as if the environment doesn't suit him that well. It might be worth seeing if you can find a childminder who could offer him a homelier setting but with a couple of other children for him to play with.

good point they didn't say what 'poor' speech meant and it was such a punch to me that I didn't have the wit to ask them. I think they were trying to be brief as they had so many people to see and were running late, now I have so many questions in my head.

I like that idea goingspare, as the ratio will be smaller and the homelier aspect could work better as what he is used to.

Some children do talk more with parents than with the staff in a nursery so it seems with bringing that up with them as a potential issue. If that is found to be the case try not to worry, most of the time it improves.

When does he start school? If it's not for a while yet, maybe it's worth putting nursery on hold for a while and taking him to some pre-school music/drama/sport classes instead?

Tbh nursery is busy, and the adults will be too busy to devote a lot of time to individual children. It is something he'll have to get used to before starting school, but maybe you could try again in 6 months, or at a smaller nursery?

I think the delivery of his assessment as if it is a fact that he has poor speech like they were an authority on my child bugged me too.

bunsen Ask for a meeting so that you can take your time over your questions. I know it is annoying the way they have handled it but you may have an opportunity to nip in the bud any difficulties he is having or at least get an understanding of whether they are a good preschool.

They are not and never will be an authority on your child and should not have made you feel that way, but it would still be worth listening to their concerns in order to either action them or guard against them in the future.

hth

Children don't have to go to nursery to get ready for school - Reception year gets them ready for school - that's why it's called Reception, not year 1.

If he doesn't like it and you don;t need him to go, then don't send him. Simple.

I do think children can be very different at nursery than they are at home. my dd2 is a feisty little horror at home, so I was gobsmacked when her nursery told me at about your ds's age that she was "starting to come out of her shell"! I really couldn't understand it, but her nursery teachers are fab, and they kept me updated. They told me a couple of months later that dd2 had now found a "special friend" and it had helped her enormously. I realised that she had always had dd1 there (17 mths older) and so felt lost in a sea of children, who would play with her for a few minutes then move on to someone else- to dd2 this meant noone liked her

She is now very happy and confident at her nursery, but I have to say I think her nursery have been very very good (as they were with dd1). many of the staff seem to relate well to her (and even seem to have a soft spot for her) They kept their eye out for her and sussed her out. they still talk to me at hometime if she has been unusally upset about something at nursery, and it really feels like we are working together. If you feel your nursery isn't really "getting" your ds, it might be an idea to ask around friends and acquaintances and see what they say about their nurseries, and change his if need be. Does his keyworker seem to have any affinity with him? Is there anyone in the nursery he seems to gel better with? It may be possible to speak to the manager and get him assigned to another keyworker, without necessarily having to be confrontational about it.

He is signed up for reception class in Sept, which is not that far away. I wish I knew of more places to take him to get him used to being round children and be less clingy with me but apart from a handful of friends I have reacquainted with after moving back to home town, he doesn't get the opportunity. The groups all tend to be full of under threes as any older and they are at funded nursery places or playgroups. I was thinking of a martial arts class but as he is a delicate flower, not sure if it a bit over the top for him.

Seeker, nursery manager said that if I don't sort it now it will be an issue when he has to go to school, not sure if she has a point and have to keep on for fear of it being an issue later or whether she is just getting bums on seats.

I had a similar experience with my dds preschool, at the time she was 2.11 years, I asked how she was getting on and they said that if she was staying on they would get SENCO involved as they were concerned about her not sitting still and listening to stories, doing her own thing and not following a routine, she was 2 ffs not 5. Like you i was so upset as i knew she could do all those things, i just felt that they were jumping to conculsions too soon, all children are different and develop at different rates.

The next time she went to that pre school she showed them that she could do all of those things. When she turned 3 in March she went to another preschool attatched to her local primary, which is wonderful. The teachers are so good and she loves going to 'school', her confidence has developed so much and so has her speech though she still has some way to go. I would try a different setting as it does not sound right for your child tbh. Your ds just might not like it there or the teachers.

I had a friend who's little girl had selective muteness, at home was chatty and outgoing but a nursery would not speak at all. It all sorted itself out but the nursery was quick to clearly identify the problem and explained their concerns clearly and didn't give sweeping statements. On the positive she started school and all was well,is a very bright child and can't stop talking now! I would say try a different nursery their approach doesn't seem that professional or proactive to me.

It doesnt sound the right sort of pre-school, but changing him now for just a term is not worth it as IME it takes at least half a term to settle them into a new environment. I would get more info from them about what they think are the settling problems. How many days a week does he go? Sometimes if they don't go often enough they can't settle.

Other choice is just abandon it - go to the park, we often meet children the same age. Can you afford age specific activities like music, swimming or football.

It took half a term to settle dd into her old preschool, and a day for her to be settled into her new wonderful one.