My toddler is so aggressive...

[yellowbrickroad]

I'm feeling a bit desperate about my toddler's behaviour. He's 2 and a half and the last few months he's been really aggressive & physical with me, DH & other children.

He pushes other kids, grabs toys and fights. He'll also go right up to smaller kids and stare at them in a really intimidating way.

We've just come back from visiting friends with little ones and I was constantly pulling him away from them. He couldn't be trusted not to grab, push or pinch them, he was also always snatching toys the other kids had.

Of course I discipline him. We use the naughty step, if he's aggressive I remove him from play and force him to sit on my lap. What concerns me is that it doesn't seem to make any difference to him. I make him say sorry if he pushes or hurts another child, but the next second he'll do it again.

I'm finding it really upsetting as he can be such a lovely little boy, but I can see the way other parents and children look at him / us when we're out and I feel both ashamed and defensive.

He does have a big brother who's 5 years older than him so I'm wondering if that's got anything to do with it? We've gone as far as banning any TV that isn't relevant to his age - so no Ben 10 or anything like that while he's awake.

Can anyone offer any advice?

Just be totally consistent, and remove him from the situation.

Go overboard with the praise when he plays nicely...

He is only very little, not much more than a baby, and he is really testing out his world, seeing what is and isn't acceptable.

As long as you keep showing him it wrong to hurt others, he will get the message - it just takes time and repetition.

Hang in there, its a phase - it won't last forever!

Oh and shame on those other parents who are judging...

Thank you
Overloading on praise is a good idea - I don't want to feel like I can't take him out because it's important for him to learn these social skills.

I have a friend who has a son like that too. It's a shame that people judge you because of it when you are trying to deal with it.
My only advice would be to make sure you keep your eyes on him all the time (I know that's not easy!) so that other parents don't feel like you are condoning it in any way.
Good luck and don't give up

Although nothing useful to add apart from consistency in approach is the best way in my opinion, I thought I would offer some reassurance. DS (6) was terribly aggressive at the age you are talking about. I vividly remember standing on my landing having just put him in his room for 5 mins breather, crying because he had just spent the last half hour hitting me and feeling like I had no control. I know the phrase 'it's just a phase, this too will pass,' is overused and little comfort but it really is true. Fast forward 4 years and DS is the most mild mannered little thing and only aggressive when releasing testosterone running around with his little buddies and I would bet that your DS will be exactly the same.

Thank you elliepac! I do hope I'll be saying something similar in the future.

Buzzingnoise I know what you mean. We were in the park with our friends, who have a Ds who's only 13 months - he was playing with a ball that rolled away from him, I turned my head for a second to get the ball back for him and when I turned back round my DS was lying on top of him pressing him into the gravel!

My DH and I argue a bit, he thinks I should just let him be but I can't justify leaving him to his own devices when he's acting like this.

My ds was horribly aggressive at 2.5. He has grown out of it mostly now, he is 4.5. Although I did have to be firm with him, as he was constantly pushing boundaries. I left many toddler groups red faced as he'd hurt another child. It was not an easy time, you have my sympathy. My dd (2.5) seems to be following suit

Only suggestion other than what everybody else has said is maybe when you remove him from play you make him sit on the floor/step/hallway, rather than your lap as the physical contact might be what he's after?

DS is starting to get a bit like this (2.5 atm) and I'm extra strict with him, but have now noticed that he's starting to get a bit bossy (just like his mum) so either way I can't win!

he's aggressive I remove him from play and force him to sit on my lap

The other thing I forgot to add is that DD is exactly the same now at 2 as DS was and is particularly vicious. When I pick her up from CM's at the moment, it's not 'has she had a good day?' more like,' how little has she hit the other ones today?' A good answer would be, ' she's only clonked the 1yr old over the head twice today and pushed her a mere once!' .

The fact that they are both exactly the same means this time I am able to cope better as with DS I was convinced it was my bad parenting and this time I know it really does pass.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that it often works to take away the attention ie not on your lap but on the stair etc because sometimes they are doing this for attention.

My 2.5 year old has just started hitting - other kids only twice but me - plenty of times!

How on earth do you get them to STAY on the naughty step?? Ds will just shout no and run away...