Please help - my 'gut feeling' is that something is 'not quite right' with DS - but what?

[abitworried]

I also posted this in SN, but thought I might also get some help in the more general 'behaviour' board...

DS is 7. Aug-born boy, so youngest in class, and he seems to suffer from many of the issues associated with being youngest i.e. low confidence/self-esteem, 'late' developer/babyish behaviour relative to his peers etc.

However having just spent the Easter hols with him every day, I'm begining to observe traits and behaviours which are worrying me more and more. I don't know whether this is 'normal' development stuff, or whether this is indicative of some more 'deep-seated' issue?

So, for example -

• he does lots of 'sniffing' of fabrics and soft toys.He'll come and bury his face in the hem of my top, even though we've told him this is OK for bedtime/at home, but not really in public/at school.

• he seems obsessed with his 'collections' of stuff - cars, models, cards. He lays stuff out in 'exact' orders and gets extremely distraught if someone alters the order, or tries to suggest alternative forms (e.g. for Lego models)

His attitude to 'stuff' has left me in tears over the last couple of weeks, as we have been trying to tidy his bedroom (lego models COVERING the floor....) and every time I have tried to suggest tidying/breaking up/ storing stuff he has ended up SCREAMING at me and becoming hysterical...

• he seems very, very pessimistic about everything. Won't try anything new, for fear of being teased/ laughed at. He imagines all sorts of 'worst case' scenarios about everything. (There isn't any suggestion from his school that any of his fears are based on any previous happenings, such as bullying etc)

• Has seemed very tearful and emotive every day this holiday.

• He defaults lots to very 'babyish' behaviour - squealing, babytalk etc

• Academically he is OK at Maths and some other subjects, but behind on literacy. He can read, but refuses to. He often muddles up words such as 'was' and 'saw' or 'that' and 'what'. He often seems to get 'lost' on a page when reading, saying 'where am I?'.

His written work is very slow.

I know none of this sounds particularly serious in isolation, but overall it makes me feel that something is 'going on' with him that I just don't understand, but I have no idea what?

Does any of this sounds familiar to you, or am I just worrying unnecessarily?

I too have a 7yo Aug born DS and the only one of your worries that I identify with is the last one, mixing up was/saw etc when reading.
I have no experience with SN but I do think you are right to be concerned - have you spoken to the class teacher, do they share your concerns ?
I don't know what your next step should be but I hope someone with more knowledge will come along soon.

Thanks for the reply Judy.

I have spoken to his class teacher in the past, but only along the lines of 'is he all right in class? Anything of note to be aware of etc, and there hasn't been any mention of any of the issues above (except the slow writing).

DH thinks some of it is 'play-acting' for attention (in competition with an older brother - age 10) but I'm just not sure. He does just seem so overwhelmed and upset by everything
The negativity and reluctance to try anything is particularly worrying. His answer to everything is, "No, but..." and it's totally exhausting trying to be patient and encouraging all the time.

He seems to have let himself get into a 'victim' mentality, and I don't know how to get him out of it...

I don't know quite honestly but wanted to reassure you that my ds2 (9) is also quite 'babyish' probably cos he's my youngest and I've engineered it that way subconsciously. He's into cuddly toys and has quite a babyish voice.

Also, my ds1 (12) was manic in his younger years about lining up his toys. It was a standing joke in our house that every day he'd line up something - cars/animals/figures - sometimes all the way up the stairs. He's totally fine now!

Holidays are always difficult with no structure, mine fight and cry often - maybe this is similar to your ds being tearful?

Both mine are quite pessimistic (as am I - ) and are not good at trying new things.

Hope this helps.

fartmeister - thanks, it IS helpful to hear different perspectives.

We are also guilty of 'babying' DS2, as he is our youngest. DS1 is also very mature/tall for his age, so DS2 'plays' the little brother role in relation to him. He has also always relied on DS1 to look after him/ play with him etc.

I'm not desperate to 'label' DS2 unnecessarily, but equally if there was some issue which was affecting his behaviour I'd rather identify it before too long.

I also wondered about the lack of structure in school holidays being a problem. It's not helped at the moment that we are having our bathrooms refurbished, so have not been away this holiday, and the house has been quite a mess, with DH & I quite stressed

I can understand the not wanting to try new things, one of my other DCs is reluctant to try new things as he doesn't like to fail at anything - if he doesn't try it he can't get it wrong. This is improving as he gets older as I can use examples from the past to try and boost his confidence but obviously that won't work if your DS has never tried anything new.
Are there any small things he could try which might give him a little self confidence that you could build on ?

It's hard to advise, maybe you should speak to a health visitor or something if you have concerns.

I remember being stressed about DS1 when he was a lot younger - the lining up, he used to move his hands as if he was frantically turning knobs (!) all the time and would often just sit and look at the wall!!!!! Now he's a perfectly normal functioning 12 yo - lots of friends, doing well at school etc etc!

If you are concerned I would see your GP and ask for your ds to have a developmental check with a paediatrician at your local Child Development Centre. They will be able to assess whether there is anything to be concerned about or whether he is developing within usual norms.

Hi abitworried, I have DS1 (7) and DS2 (4.8). DS2 has special needs. I think my brother has mild ASD.

The first thing I want to say is that both you and your husband are probably right. Perhaps he has some special needs. But children with special needs are still children - they will still, just like all children, tease and seek attention and manipulate us. So it's not an either/or thing.

At around age 7, children start to use language in a more complex way (apparently! I've only read this, I'm no expert!) and it can be easy to be left behind if you have some hidden problems or delays in processing language. Then of course you are vulnerable to not fitting in/being teased, etc.

Whatever it is, he is clearly very anxious, and I think you are wise to take this seriously.

My parents dismissed my brother as weird/inflexible/strange and allowed him to retreat into his specialist interests. Had they been able to just overcome their reluctance and follow the rail of clues (he talked very late, wouldn't hold hands as a toddler, etc), they could have understood him so much better.... his underlying biological problems are clearly pretty mild... it was the anxiety that came from being misunderstood that ended up being his real problem in life.

My DS used to line up his cars etc, recreating roadworks that he'd seen.His best present EVER was a Playmobil traffic light that he could change and tiny traffic cones.

He also used to get very emotional and cry easily at that age too. He also used to make silly noises (he's 17 and still does sometimes). And he was a late talker with very unclear speech.

I always expected for the school to tell me that something was wrong and for him to end up being diagnosed with something. I did talk to his primary teacher but they had no real concerns. His written work was always a bit of a struggle.

BUT he passed 8 good GCSE's, passed his driving test within 7 weeks, is doing IT at college, has a part time job, a lovely girlfriend and a group of friends.

He has always seemed a little 'different'(he's a well behaved teenage - how worrying is that?) but that's fine. MY DD has always had confidence issues and is frightened of trying new thngs.

What I'm saying is that 'normal' covers a huge spectrum. Being a little different doesn't matter. And he will probably modify his behaviour as he gets older.

My brother probably has dyspraxia (his son has been diagnosed with this) but has gone through life without any major problems. Again he's 'different' but that's fine.

Don't worry. Though you may want to seek advice from your health visitor/GP to try to overcome some of his fears. And the words getting mixed up should be looked at.

Hi there

my son has DCD, was diagnosed a few years ago after seeing a occupational therapist and language therapist. Your son sounds a little like my son

let me explain it a bit

when my son was smaller he was slow at walking and talking, when at nursery he hated painting or playdoh anything of that texture and was always very babyish. At a young age he could tell you every fact on any dinosaur but couldn't say the alphabet, write his name. He also hated loud noises, would cover his ears, and toys omg, he would line up everything, or worse keep it perfectly packaged, everything in his room has a place, but at the same time he can't.
organise clothes in correct order to put them

He is now 10, he has low muscle tone that makes his movement look childish and immature, his reading and writing are appalling, yet he can recite facts and figures, he hates anything new and we have to make story books to encourage him to try anything new. he is very sensitive and often has tears over trivial things. he has real fears over the end of the world, alien invasions and the such, and also always looks at worse case scenario.

I may be totally off here and I hope I am but maybe you should ask for a referral, they won't label your son unless its a definite and then he will get help if he needs.

I am sure he is just going through a phase but if its not the quicker you get him the help he might need the better.

At very least will put your mind at rest

good luck

I don't know very much but my mum is a primary school teacher and head of their SEN programme. She's always talking about the 'spectrum' of autism, and how she sees so many more children come to school with varying degrees of autism.

The only reason i mention it is because you mention the collections and needing order, and his anxiety about some social situations. Children with autism also (I think) tend to be better at maths. You could also have him tested for dyslexia if you're concerned about his reading (though be careful of making too much of a fuss as he'll become even more anxious that something is wrong with him, which is the last thing he needs), you could also try reading with him, putting a piece of paper below the line he is reading from, and moving it down line by line. He may just feel overwhelmed by all the words on a page and need things simplifying.

If his school isn't particularly good with SEN, maybe you could ask for a referral, as others have suggested. Do they have an SEN coordinator that you could speak to? An autism diagnosis isn't the end of the world at all (nor is any diagnosis), it would just enable you to learn more about what sort of help your son needs and how to give it.

I don't think you should worry too much about 'babying' him at the moment, tbh. Children can be manipulative, but he sounds as if he is just quite insecure (or something, very tired so not at my most articulate, I'm afraid) and will need lots more reassurance and support. Certainly, the sniffing would suggest that he needs lots of comfort.

Either way, the main thing is probably just that you accept your son for everything that he is, and make it clear to him that you love him regardless. There may be nothing wrong with him at all, he could just be a very anxious little boy, and the organising of his collections is his way of exerting some control over a very confusing world.

It sounds like he will need lots of patience on your part. I'm sure it must be really horrible for you, thinking something is 'wrong' with your son but not knowing what. I really hope that something I've said might help but if not, hope that the other suggestions do x