advice on my 3 year olds bullying type behaviour

[pippylongstockings]

My DS2 is 3.4 and this year we have had several horrible incidents that I just don't know what to do to stop his bullying like behaviour.

Yesterday we went to DS cousins house as it was her 6th birthday. We went for a walk to their allotments and on the way there DS2 started picking up stones from the field and throwing them at her! One of them hit her quite hard. He is a large 3 year old and he often wacks her with a sword or kicks her. My SIL has rung this morning to say her DD is upset by it - understandably.

He does this type of thing frequently - he has hit another mindee at their CM and thrown sand in this boys face. He says he hates babies and has just run up and roared in the face of a baby in the playgroud while waiting to pick up DS1. We had to stop going to a singing group after he pulled a girls hair and kept on tripping up another younger boy there.

Just this morning I had to leave the library as he pushed a younger boy off the computer then hit me in the face when I told him off. He then grabbed the rocking horse when a girl was on it and blew rasberries in her face and called her stupid. I calmly as I could said 'Right we are leaving because of your behaviour' he was very upset and cried for a good 10 min with me dragging him down the street. But I don't think it will stop him doing it again.

We have tried time-out, sticker charts, getting down to his level and speaking right in his face. He just laughs/hits out/calls us stupid.

I feel so upset I feel like I am failing to control the situation.

Consistency is key. Do the same thing every time, and do it like you mean it.

Agree with Acanthus. You're doing the right things, saying you'll leave and doing it, etc. I don't want to sound cruel but if he's upset that's good in a way, it shows something is sinking in. But at his age it is very hard for him to control himself and it will just take a long time for him to learn.

Remember to reward good behaviour as well - show him how to be kind and gentle, share, etc and when he is good, give him a reward. Pasta jar may work well for him - get a small jar, add pasta pieces for good behaviour, take them away for bad (though obviously keep using your other sanctions too like removing him when he misbehaves) and when the jar is full he gets a treat eg to choose a new toy or a day trip.

btw although my DS's behaviour issues were a bit different, 3.4-3.8 ish was the absolute worst age for him. My god he drove me bananas and I often had that feeling of failure so I really sympathise. But now he's almost 5 and so, so much better. Hang in there.

My first thoughts are that he sounds really angry about something and taking it out on others. Can you think what - sibling rivalry, someone leaving, a death, any change of any kind?

I agree about doing things like you mean it. I guess you are feeling very worried about him and the future (my DS2 used to push and bite other DCs, especially younger ones, which makes it worse), and that can interfere with our responses - we either shriek and over-react, which can be a bit of a perverse reward, or are embarrassed and don't want to make a scene.

From your OP, I'd say, that you are doing the right things. It's a drip-drip approach, and whilst he may well do similar again, he will gradually get the message.

I also agree that you need to find every bit of positive and pick up on that.

Yes, I am feeling worried about him - he doesn't start pre-school until Sept and I just have visions of me always being called to one side to 'discuss' his behaviour towards the other children.

Jamieandthemagictorch - I think he does it for attention his older brother started school in last Sept and so I think he is feeling a bit left behind - DS1 get invited to birthday parties, play dates and he finds it hard that he isn't involved. But we do always try to make sure we do something to make it even. How long did it take to resolve for you and your DS ?

The sad thing is in lots of other ways DS2 is such a sweet child - DS1 is quite a sensitive child and DS2 will always share/offer up toys/play in the way his older brother wants - but other people just don't see that they remember him shouting or throwing or hitting.

you need to stick with one approach-maybe time out?

pippy - I'd say he calmed down a lot when he was nearly 4 and started school nursery. I too was very worried about him starting there, worried sick he'd be labelled the "naughty boy". Worse than that, I'd started seeing him that way too. When he was younger (2 ish) he just used to push little children over for no apparent reason, or bite when he was tired/over-excited. Later, he'd push and hit to get what he wanted, or snatch instead of waiting his turn. I don't recall him doing anything like the stone-throwing you describe. But he is/was, actually the more sociable and now, socially skilled of my two (now nearly 7). DS1 is also sensitive and was a hittee rather than hitter.

I think DS2, like yours maybe, is much more competitive, inclined to feel hard-done by - always looking out for any sign of injustice. he'll start to accuse me of giving DS1 more of something before I've even finished!

But his behaviour at school now is excellent and I don't worry about him at all (at the moment!) So there is hope. I think DCs just take turns to worry us...

Another thing that strikes me - the second one maybe doesn't feel they have much power, and are always in their sibling's shadow. That confused me a bit in our case because, actually DS1 is SO not a dominant character. But I wonder if that's an issue for your DS2, and maybe he'll be less angry when he's got more of a life, and friends of his own - which comes with age.

Reasurring to know that others are struggling with similar behaviours. Im really upset at the moment over my eldest (3 years 8 months) who has such an agressive streak. He kicks, hits, sometimes goes to bite. We do all the usal stuff - time out, firm telling him no, taking away privelidges, restricting potentially infuential tv etc. but nothing seems to be making any difference. We do try to be consistent with him.

He has started to be deliberately mean by destroying something of someone elses and laughing about it, and saying he wants to hurt. Im despairing about what to do.

He is a very active and energetic boy and not at all shy - very confident. I wonder if he is struggling to communicate his frustration - his speech has been a little slower coming than his contemporaries - how do we teach him different strategies for expressing his anger? h