DD1 is 4.2 and after a horrendous patch of tantrums between 2.5 and 3.5 (DD2's first year) she really started to settle down. Yes, there were still a few but they were more manageable, easier to curb when they started and pretty rare.
In the last few weeks though they've come back in with a vengeance. She had chickenpox last month so to begin with I thought it was that she was just tired and recovering from that but she can't still be can she?
The thing that is particularly upsetting about them is that she is not just angry about what ever she's tantruming about but she's really really horrible to anyone else around her. She will lash out at me - kick, hit, spit even and sometimes at DD2 too.
This morning when a friend was round with her little girl (who she is usually plays brilliantly with - and did after the tantrum was over)when they couldn't agree on what to play with she immediately started on 'I don't like X' 'X isn't my friend' etc.
When she first starts I try taking her out of the room, getting down to her level and calmly explaining what she needs to do/not do and why. Never works.
I try to be consistent and follow through on what I warn. Time-out is just horribly traumatic all-round as I put her there and she moves, so I, without saying anything move her back. It can easily taken an hour for her to sit there for 4 mins and I know that we won't there until she is through the defiance and is upset and crying. Meanwhile DD2 is being neglected and occasionally hit on one of DD1's escapes from time-out . I often think that trying this escalates the tantrum but I equally don't want her to think she can get away with unacceptable behaviour.
I have tried the confiscating things route and this does work to a point but as soon as I follow through on removing one toy/DVD she then doesn't care and ends up losing loads of things.
I haven't tried reward charts and saw something on here about putting things into a jar when she's good and removing them if she's bad and when it's full she gets a treat which I might try, but how do you judge each good event/period of time? If she has a tantrum first thing in the morning what incentive is there for her to be good for the rest of the morning if she's lost out on her star or whatever?
I try to talk to her calmly and ask her what's wrong afterwards, give her lots of cuddles, explain that we love her but needs to understand why what she's doing is wrong etc. but it doesn't seem to make a real difference when it all starts up again.
Her nursery haven't noticed anything and no such problems there. There happen to be a lot more boys than girls there at the moment and I worry that she's slightly insecure there at the moment as it is quite rough and tumble. Things at home are great, although DH is having some stress at work which we discuss but there's no tension at all between us.
Thank you if you've made it to the end of this and thank you even more if you can help me deal with this. She is such a great girl underneath all of this and I really need to find a way for her to show this.