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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

DS is 3.5 and has taken a YEAR to toilet train.... and he's still wetting himself regularly.... HELP!

23 replies

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/04/2010 19:40

The thread title says it all really. We started last summer when he was 2.8. We went the usual route - no pants for a week, then pants, then trousers, potty progressed to sitting on the loo, progressed to weeing standing up. Number twos have been pretty consistent, and bar a few accidents, has been consistent for months. Number ones are a nightmare, and still are almost one year later. I go through about 5 pairs of pants and trousers a day with him. He starts pre-school in September (he'll be 4 in December) and I dread the amount of washing I'll have to do! He regularly floods himself and doesn't even seem to twig when he needs to go. He also doesn't seem to be able to stop himself when he realises he is weeing. I'm considering taking him to the GP as I don't even know if it's a physical, rather than a psychological thing.

I've tried all the usual things suggested on here. Reward charts, praise, ignoring the accidents, being calm and saying 'never mind, next time try to make it to the toilet'. I've tried returning to the potty, weeing standing up (which he LOVES and has a pretty good aim - better than DH!), bribery. It's getting to the point where it's so hard to stop getting cross as he gets upset.

I know that boys sometimes find it harder than girls. I've spoken to a couple of people who had trouble with their DS and toilet training.

I haven't just tried these things for a day and switched either, it's been a year of it and I'm bloody fed up of washing pissed soaked clothes and taking out three pairs of trousers everywhere I go.

Please come and share your war stories and make me feel better. I really am at the end of my tether and I'm so low about it

OP posts:

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SuziKettles · 12/04/2010 19:44

Ds is the same age and drives me nuts with his absolute refusal to ask to go to the toilet, denials that he ever needs to go and the therefore predictable accidents.

He's the king of holding it in though which leads to leaks rather than not realising he needs to.

I'd be tempted to go back to pull ups if I were you tbh if you feel he really doesn't realise he's peeing.

I share your pain - the washing really gets you down.

overmydeadbody · 12/04/2010 19:46

I have heard that it requires the development of a certain area of the brain before a child can control their bladder, maybe your DS just needs more time before this area of his brain is developed and you just need to put him back in nappies until he has more control?

TheArmadillo · 12/04/2010 19:47

Firstly do take him to the doctors to rule out any physical cause.

Are you taking him to the toilet regularly - every hour or so? I found this helped a lot with ds. It was the only thing that did. Even now if he is e.g. at soft play for a couple of hours I will stop him in the middle and do a toilet trip.

We also had a big problem training ds (now 5 and fully trained apart from the occasional dribble). Part of his problem was his constant constipation (he's being treated for it but long term issue) and even now if that gets bad he becomes less continent - I think the pressure in his stomach causes him to lose some of the sensation of when his bladder is full.

coldtits · 12/04/2010 19:48

I'm really really sorry, but I started trying with ds2 when he was just 3, and he's 4 next week and still wets himself regularly (like, nearly every day) and poos himself at least once a week.

So I feel your pain but it's cold comfort.

TheArmadillo · 12/04/2010 19:49

Ds also hated public toilets (still doesn't like them but will use them) and I found staying home or only visiting people's houses for a while helped him get into the pattern of using the toilet (though was a pain).

fruitful · 12/04/2010 19:54

Ds1 was pretty hard work. I gave up each potty training attempt after a few days so he wasn't out of nappies till 3.5. It was about a year before he was reliable and still has a couple of accidents a week (he is 5.2 now).

He has never had an accident at school though, and he started (half-days, nursery class) 3 months after he was out of nappies. So some of it must that he can't be bothered at home. Or maybe he just doesn't drink much at school, and they make them all go every hour or so ...

No advice, sorry! And I've still got ds2 to go, argh! Dd was a doddle, much better plumping system.

fruitful · 12/04/2010 19:55

That would be plumbing

Original poster

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/04/2010 20:06

Thanks for your speedy responses. It actually helps to hear that others have had a similar experience with it. DS is a happy chappy in every other aspect and is really bright and a real chatterbox. I feel awful when I get cross. I will get an appointment with the GP to check for any underlying physical reasons.

I'm holding out for DD as I've heard girls are much easier...... (please don't burst my bubble on that one! )

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 12/04/2010 20:11

DS was 3.5 before it clicked really, and I did not even start potty training until he turned 3yo.

I would put him into pull ups for a couple of weeks. That is what I did. I feel that he was not able to physically control his bladder - and it was unfair to expect him to do something beyond his control.

It is not unusual for boys to be 3.5yo and not dry.

After about a month he suddenly announced that he did not need nappies any more and was a Big Boy. He did have the occasional accident after that but not daily.

mrsgboring · 12/04/2010 20:16

You are me and your DS is my DS1 a year ago. For us it dragged on and on and bloody on. He became completely adamant he had to wear pullups, but then wouldn't bother about the loo because he had pullups on so it didn't matter. Didn't seem to be able to do it at all, would wet himself 10 mins after being taken to the toilet. All that. And pooed himself totally basically every time too.

He's 4.5 now and much better. Not perfect but comparable to his friends in nursery. It was hell when it lasted, but it did end. I'm sorry I've no idea how it got better except he finally gave up pullups during that horrendous heatwave we had last year as they were just too sweaty for him to bear. I think nursery helped... ummmmm....

Original poster

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 13/04/2010 07:28

I think Pullups might be the way forward. The frustrating thing is that he CAN do it. Some days are completely dry and I don't know whether that's because I'm more on the ball reminding him to go, or he's drinking less, or he's realising he needs to go. Whatever, we have a few dry days and then it goes back to completely flooding himself.....

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elliepac · 13/04/2010 07:43

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to add my reassurance that DS is perfectly normal and that you are not on your own. DS (now 6) took forever to potty train and was at least 4 before I could confidently say he was dry. He was still having accidents when he started nursery. I wanted to tear my hair out but he came good in the end as yours DS will. DD is now just at the point where I am starting to think about training her but am dreading it .

Original poster

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 13/04/2010 20:52

Thanks so much for your reassurance everyone. He had a better day today, with only one flood accident. It's definitely been the worse aspect of this parenting lark so far......

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KristinaM · 13/04/2010 21:02

ours boys were 3 years 4 months and 3 years 6 months before they were ready to toilet train. even DD was 2 years 11 months.maybe your DS is just not ready? I do think that 5 accidents a day after trying for a year is not "normal" - it must be very wearing for both of you

apparently being later than average to TT runs in families. do you know anything about yourself or his father in this regard?

just a thought............

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/04/2010 22:05

hats off to you for your staying power! I would have had my ds in pull ups if he'd gone longer than a week training.....surely if it takes a year the child is simply not ready.

Agree with GP to rule out a physical cause, if not then stick him in pull up pants so it doesn't matter if he has an accident. Because, at the end of the day, at 3.5 it doesn't actually matter. He will get there in his own time....

pigletmania · 13/04/2010 22:57

I needmychocolate sorry to put a downer on things but girls are not necessarily easy either. My dd is just 3 and just so lazy, I think that she does understand but preferres to use her nappy. She has on occasion asked to sit on the potty/toilet and done a wee on it. I had 3 failed attempts to potty train in the last year with disasterous results. DD is at pre school now and i will try again at the end of may when its half term and bank holiday as she has to do it now. It seems as she is the only one that i know who is still in nappies and is not showing any interest whats wrong!!!!

DecorHate · 13/04/2010 23:09

OP, I think you probably started too soon. I made the same mistake with ds1 and had to keep giving up as ds2 was a tiny baby and I couldn't cope with puddles at the same time....

With ds2 I waited till he was 3.5 and he got it pretty much straight away.

I would just go back to pull-ups for a while and try again in a couple of months

pigletmania · 14/04/2010 08:08

I would take him to the doctor to rule out anything else tbh, if it something psychological the dr migh refer your to a child psych so that they can try different approaches or techniques to help him, worth a try imo.

Original poster

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 15/04/2010 07:00

I think you're right in that I started too early. DD was also only about 2 months old so all wrong really! He was showing all the signs that he was ready, about 2 months before she was due, but I didn't want to start just before she was born. It was the summer too so I thought it'd be easier when running around with no pants when it was warmer. In hindsight, I should have waited much longer.

I was completely dry at 2, as was my sister. My brother was dry at 18 months! So I don't think it's from my side. Apparently DH and his sisters were about 2 as well. So not sure about familial link in this case.

The last two days have been pretty much dry, but we've been here before. He had three dry weeks at one stage, only to go back to wetting himself again.

He does get completely distracted with stuff, and that tends to be when the accidents happen the most - but I guess this is true of all kids.

I really hope that DD is easier. She seems a very different kid in other respects.....

OP posts:

pigletmania · 15/04/2010 16:25

Erm just thinking, when he is not busy or preocuppied does he tell you he needs the toilet or that he needs to go wee or poo, you dont want to give up just now if he is good in every other respect just have accidents when playing as a lot of children do and he might just learn as he gets a bit older.

I am waiting till the end of May (half term bank holiday) to try for the 3rd time, she will be then be 3.3 nearly, like you I think that i will follow through as she is going to be over 3 and needs to be out of nappies when she starts school and i am just so sick of them, the cost. I think its whats holding her back as dd is getting lazy, she knows in her mind that she needs to go but the nappy is there so its just convience and being wet or dirty does not other her (she eats soil fgs). I know because she tells my on occasion that she needs to wee or poo, or she needs to sit on the toilet, and she has done a wee though not always.

Good luck with it all, there is some good advice on here.

Original poster

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/04/2010 06:55

Well, we've had a good few days so here's hoping. He does tell me he needs a poo, even if he's really distracted, so I think the impulse is quite strong, whereas the need to wee is not as obvious.

God knows actually. We've been here before so there's every chance we'll go back to floods again. I was speaking to a good friend yesterday who's the Headteacher of a primary school and she said that's it's not uncommon at all and even by primary age they still see lots of kids having accidents so I shouldn't be too concerned at all...

OP posts:

pigletmania · 17/04/2010 09:38

INMC keep him in pants if i were you, he will get there dont worry, he has to do it sometime. Imo to go back to pull ups will be taking a step backward, even when i was trying to toilet train my dd (3.1) 6 months ago, in pants though not quite ready she seemed much better and more aware of what she was doing, wehreas i put her back in pull ups and she stopped it and in effect became a bit 'lazy'. The nappy is there its convenient they dont have to think about going to the toilet because it holds everything in and keeps them dry, if they are in pants everything gets wet and its uncomfortable so they are more likely to tell you they need to go to the toilet imo

pigletmania · 17/04/2010 09:40

I am going to toilet train at the end of may when its her nursery half term so no going back as she will be 3.3 and really has to do it. At least its the summer and washing is easier less layers of clothing, running about in pants and nice warm weather. Keep at it, he will get there good luck

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