How do I make him realis it is NOT about him all the time?

[thisisnotwhoyouthink]

Hi All

Just looking for some advice. Now, I know toddlers are generally VERY self centred, but by the age of say 4 almost 5 should this be wearing off??

My 4, almost 5, year old has to have EVERYTHING about him. And I mean EVERYTHING. If I praise the 3 (today!) yr old for doing something, eg, peeing and not wetting his pants (and the 4 yr old has obviously been trained since about the same age, so not a new thing for him!) then the older one has to stick his oar in and say 'well I pee good too dont I mummy?'. Ditto getting the 3yr old to eat dinner, or do anything really. Which makes it quite hard to teach the 3yr old anything as he is always bigging himself up and saying that he can do this that or the other and that he is better at this that or the other. We do say to him that of course because he is older etc and we are now trying to teach the 3yo, have even tried to get him to 'help' iyswim, but it doesnt seem to change anything.

He is the same if we get the 3yo in trouble. He will pipe up with 'well I am being good, he is just rubbish' etc. Very frustrating.

Today, for example, it was the little ones birthday. Obviously on their birthdays they get a big fuss made of them, and we had people Skype'ing from Oz who wanted to talk to the 3yo and wish him happy birthday. Obviously they were happy to talk to both of them as well, but initially wanted to talk to the birthday boy. DS1 wouldnt let them. Also, if ANYONE asks (as the did this morning) DS2 a question, then he answers for him. Not just about a birthday, but everything. We say to DS1 please, we would like to ask DS2 this as we are (for eg) teaching him his colours and want to see what he says, he will say ok, then we ask and he answers. Gr!!

It is infuriating!! And today we had all these calls from relatives with me getting more and more worked up about him constantly interrupting, him not letting DS2 tell DH (who came home from work early) whatp pressies he got off the postman and calling all of DS2 toys 'his' and DS2 just gets to share them. It really ramped up this afternoon as DS2 was given some money to spend at the toy shop and was really excited about buying aplane. Which he did. But DS1 spent the whole time trying to get him to buy stuff HE wanted.

He can be quite manipulative in his own little way and tries to twist things around as he knows DS2 will a gree to things as he doesnt actually know what he is agreeing to and then DS2 misses out. Another example is if we are travelling (shich we do quite often) we might get them something for lunch on the way. Ds1 will eat his, DS2 might have a bite or two and then fall asleep (cars do that to him!) and then when he wakes up, DS1 will try and get Ds2 to share his 'treat lunch' with him as he 'doesnt have any but J does so thats not fair and he HAS to share' even though he had already eaten his own!!

TBH, his attitude is really becoming aproblem as it ruins things for others (all the relatives were a bit annoyed at him, even though Itook him out of the room and tried distracting him etc) and I do feel quite upset today and feel to a certain extent he has ruined what should have been a nice day, DS2's birthday, as everrything we did was about him instead of the birthday boy.

It might sound like he is crying out for attention, but TBH, he probably gets more than DS2 anyway (although problem was magnified today as it was DS2's birthday). We are always telling him how clever he is at things etc, how much we love him, he gets treats etc when DS2 is asleep so it is not like he is at all sidelined.

We have tried to explain so many times today that it is DS2's birthday and special day and he has just had his and he will have another one where it will be all about him and tried to explain it is not all about him. but he just doesnt understand. Now, he is a smart boy, can read and do maths so I dont think it is a case of him not REALLY understanding, iykwim? He got so bad after the trip to the toy shop and not letting DS2 even TOUCH his new toy that DH has now taken him out to the supermarket just to give poor DS2 some time to play with his new toys!!

Anyone have any ideas? Feel free to tell me I am doing it all wrong!! LOL

Sorry about the typos and the spelling mistakes!! Am just so upset!

Message withdrawn

It is upsetting isnt it? They just seem to ruin it for everyone else!! He cant even let DS2 have any input into a game they are playing it is his way or strop time!!

Birthdays are really hard for the sibling not having a birthday
he's only four
he probably picks up that everyone is annoyed with him
it'll get easier when he starts school and you have ds2 all day to yourself

Well, yes thats true...although DC3 is due any day now so I feel quite bad..as if DS2 will always miss out and get 'middle child' syndrome...especially as the new bubba is a girl after two boys!!!!

Sorry - at 4 it still IS about him , for him. I can see you are frustrated, but some DCs are just more insecure and competitive than others. My DS2 is much more concerned about getting more than his fair share than DS1. Haven't got much time to answer now, but wanted to say that. That is not to say that you can't instil manners.

I think you'll find that it won't detract from the praise you are giving to DS2 if you praise DS1 - if DS2 is not worried, then don't worry yourself.

I have a four nearly five year old and he's much the same. Sorry but you sound VERY negative about him and annoying as these behaviours can be they're fairly normal.

I feel sorry for you lad tbh

It does sound hard but you do sound very negative about him, he is only four and still very young, perhaps your expectations of him are too high?

Don't give in to his need for control (you sound like you are dealing with it in the right way) but don't be angry and upset with him either, it just takes time for some children to grasp the concept that it's not all about them.

Perhaps he picks up on your frustration at him and this feeds his insecurity, making him more demanding on all the attention?

Thanks for all your replies. Reading back, I do sound quite negative, but TBH, it is really only about this issue and it is only that it is DS2's birthday today that has really upset me. Normally I just let it go to a certain extent and remind him gently that life is not a competition, we love them both the same etc etc.

In general, I am NOT negative towards him. As the eldest and concious of how much time a younger sibling can take, I have always made sure that every day we have special Mummy and DS1 time. Usually a snuggle and chat before bed or on the couch while DS2 is otherwise occupied. We are a very affectionate family and I am constantly cuddling him, kissing him, holding hands when walking they are both always crawling over me etc. I am SAHM so we play heaps of games together and spend loads of time together doing various things and I do praise him loads as well and tell him he is special etc. As he is older he also gets to do special big boy' stuff as well. So I dont come down on him like a ton of bricks or anythign and in general we are a very positive family. We all eat together and talk about our favourite bits of the day.

But I take on board what you are saying. Maybe we do expect too much of him as he is the eldest and quite clever and so therefore we treat him older than he 'emotionally' is even though 'intellectually' he is? Hmm. Food for thought anyway.

Do you think maybe the constant praising them might be the problem? Why not trying a day with no praise and see how he reacts, some children can view gaining praise/approval like a competition.

When he demands praise/attention to small things such as the potty training example, how do you react do you then give praise? If I was you I would tell him "wait a moment DS I'm dealing with your brother." Then after the event draw his attention to something else.

Have you read this book?

I think it could be very helpful

Hmm that book does look good. I will have to try and get my hands on a copy.

So with the praise thing, diary...today we did give him a fiver to spend in the toy shop as we didnt think it was fair that DS2 only got to spend on a toy (even though it was his bday!! LOL)..should we not have done that?

Thesecondcoming..yes, we do treat them the same, as much as we can, especially now they are 'older'. They are only 18mths apart so very close iyswim? They both dress, brush their own teeth, have to tidy up, go to the naughty spot..I cant really think of anything, except maybe when DS1 goes off because, for example, DS2 doesnt usse the xbox controller properly we explain it is because really he is actually only little and doesnt know how. But that is the only thing I can think of off the tip of my head. Will give it some more thought.

I would also recommend the book and then read "siblings without rivalry" by them as well.

It well help you tune in to what your 4 year old is trying tell you with his constant "iterference"