I know it's all my fault

[bodenbeauty]

I've name changed for this as I feel so and ashamed.

I feel like I'm a dreadful mummy to dd who is nearly 4. Sometimes I worry that we never bonded properly, she was prem and I went back to work ft when she was 8 months old.

Her behaviour can be lovely, today we walked to the park and she was fab, held my hand orrun on but stopped when I told her that she had to and I felt so proud of her but earlier today she hit me in the face and then went to do it again .

When she is horrid I can see that it all my fault and how I react to her but I really realy struggle to ignore stuff and end up suddenly getting really cross iyswim then we are both upset and tearful. I don't smack/hit but I do physically pick her up and remove her from situations. I only use the naughty corner for physical agression or as a place for her to calm down when she's having a tantrum. Somtimes when she shouts I hear myself in what she says and the tone of her voice is horrid but I know that it's copied from me .

My mood and own feelings of happiness are really influenced by her behaviour and I feel really down about it all at the moment.

She goes to pre-school 5 mornings/week so we do get a break from each other but I still feel that I'm not being a good mummy.

Would love some words of advice/hope.

Hi,

Don't beat yourself up about it too much, I don't think I've heard of a child that hasn't hit another child, or parent or sibling! My daughter certainly has and I found it hard to deal with too.

If you want professional assistance, please see my website www.getbettercoaching.co.uk. There are specific parent coaches too, you could look. I would implore you to consider their qualification, experience and training as well as whether, having spoken with them you would really want to work with them. That's if you go down that route.

If not, I find there's nothing better than having a talk to other mums. I'm sure you can find some on here or at a toddler group or pre-school to chat with about it.

Wendy

Rest assurred that so many mums (and dads) feel the same way as you. You aren't a bad mum from what you have said. Parenting is hard, especially when a 3 year old is involved!

I think you should go a bit easier on yourself...

I totally agree with you about your reactions affecting her behaviour etc, my DS is a lot younger - 14m - but really spirited and like your DD can be really good, but we have really bad, trying days too. A massive factor I have realised is my mood and therefore reactions on the days in question. They obviously pick up on it. So I try really hard in this respect, and have noticed that it's become more and more natural to react calmly the more I make the effort. BUT, some days I am tired (more than usual!), ill, have had a row with DH or whoever, etc etc and you just CAN'T be perfect all the time!

I think the fact you understand the problem is the main thing, because you can work on it. As for the bonding issue, obviouslty only you know that, and if you do feel that's true it must be really upsetting, but I don't necessarily think your reactions are as a result of that - more because you're a human being, work ft and have a sometimes difficult 3 yr old to nurture!

Thanks everyone.

I think that one of the things that upsets me most is that I know what I should be doing, I just can't seem to actually do it.

Boden You sound pretty normal to me. I think you're getting yourself into a negative cycle though.

Can you try being a bit more relaxed, perhaps give your dd a bit more of a say in what you do and how you do it. If she leads then any misbehaviour leads to premature ending of that.

Are you in touch with your local children's centre as they often have free parenting courses with creches. They are good for suggesting things you haven't thought of and for bouncing ideas off of other parents.