Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

controlled crying

19 replies

bec9 · 10/04/2010 12:06

my daughter cries every time she is alone in a room during the day. we have tried controlled crying but she now cries every time we even stand up let alone try and leave the room. She cried for over 90 mins yeaterday with no let up. Does any one have any other ideas? People keep telling me she is controlling and manipluating me is this the case or do 8 month old abies just need their cuddles? Am I being too harsh? Help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

5inthebed · 10/04/2010 12:10

She is only 8 months old, and in no way trying to manipulate you.

At this age, they get quite attached to you, and because she can't see you she is panicking that you have left her.

She is far too young for controlled crying. If you do need to leave the room, take her with you, or carry on talking to her when you are out the room. I've often found myself singing badly when I've left a room so that my ds's can hear my voice.

Original poster

bec9 · 10/04/2010 12:14

thanks for that it is so good to hear some thing that makes sense. my health visitor and friends have said i can leave her for 2-3 hrs crying and it may take weeks of this but she will stop. will try the sunging tip!

OP posts:

MrsMargate · 10/04/2010 12:18

Most babies are far too young at 8 months for controlled crying.

And she is at an age when most babies get clingy. The two aren't necessarily related.

Ignore what everyone else says and do what you feel is best for your baby. It's all very well for other people to call your baby controlling and manipulating but they're not the ones bringing her up, are they? And what rude and unkind things to say about a baby - next time someone comes out with that kind of bullshit say 'Well your baby might be like that but mine isn't'.

5inthebed · 10/04/2010 12:28

2-3 hrs . Poor little thing. No wonder she is getting upset even when you stand.

My DS3 used to get upset if I left the room, even if there were other people in there with him. Its hard work, especially when you've got to balance them on your knee while you try have a wee. It's hopefully just a phase, and she will grow out of it. Soon she'll be wondering around by herself and be independent, so enjoy her clingyness while it lasts

Original poster

bec9 · 10/04/2010 15:38

Thanks for your support 5inthebed and Mrs Margate! my daughter is lovely and after lots of thinking I've come to the conclusion controlled crying may work after a few weeks as the baby has passed throu the phase and not always because the crying works. We're gonna go with the cuddles while they last but am looking forward to this phase calming down a little!
Hope you and your families are enjoying the sunsheine as we have just been

OP posts:

LordVolAuVent · 10/04/2010 21:04

2-3 hours sounds really long. I resorted to controlled crying with my DS at 9m when I was told they understood time a bit better so knew they hadn't been abandoned but would keep coming back - apparently before that they don't so can be v frightened.
I have no idea if that's actually true or I was told it to make me feel better as I was v reluctant BUT DS cried for 15mins the first time, twice in the night, 5mins the 2nd night and has slept through since (under normal circumstances!) so I reckon he was ready and it was right for us. I couldn't have coped with 2-3 hours, even 90mins I don't think and would say that it means it's not right (yet?) for your daughter.

On a practical note, I tried no cry sleep solution (but with limited success) and there is pick up/put down (this made mine more angry than when I left him altogether) and gradual withdrawal (same thing with mine) but worth checking out

LordVolAuVent · 10/04/2010 21:06

God sorry, have just reread and realised it's not sleeping, but leaving in room - long day I apologise.
Separation anxiety v common at this age, I wouldn't leave her for any length of time in a room alone, she will definitely grow out of it with gentle encouragement and agree about letting her hear your voice.
Sorry again for useless previous post!

DebiNewberry · 10/04/2010 21:11

you can't leave her to cry for 2-3 hours a day for a few weeks! I am astonished that a HV would recommend this (

I would just keep her with you - why would you want to leave her in a room by herself for 90 mins? Are you trying to get her to have a nap?

have I read your post wrong? I think I must have done?

Mrs1GeneGenie · 11/04/2010 08:59

thanks for your messages, have just been trying to get her to not cry if I have to leave the room for a very short period of time but she seems unable to do this. we kept going back in during the 90 mins but she was unable to calm down unless we cuddled her which we had been advised not to as this would reward her crying. This whole thing has confrimed my complete lack of faith in my health visitor and made me cross with myself for again following her advice when it as caused problems previously. My dd clearly needs me at the min and I plan to go with that. No worries lord v about the confusion all the controlled crying info i've found is related to sleep i just apprecieate you taking the time to write as I know time is precious x

Mrs1GeneGenie · 11/04/2010 09:02

p.s mrs1genegenie is bec9 as I changed my name.

LordVolAuVent · 11/04/2010 09:10

I have actually never heard of using controlled crying for that kind of thing - it may work eventually (but more likely because ahe's grown out of it I would think) and I'd be concerned you were actually making her worse because she was getting so upset and scared if you were to do it for weeks.
I think at that age there's not much you can do - short periods where you pop in and out and keep talking or singing or something to get stuff done, with lots of cuddles and reassurance when you return is prob best.
When she's a bit older, if she's still like it, there are gentle encouragement techniques you can try - none involve leaving them, it's just a gradual confidence building thing.

I think just ride it out, it is quite tough sometimesthough isn't it? I'm quite lucky I think, my DS never seems that bothered (sometimes makes me a bit !) but if he's ill or has recently been ill he'll be so clingy I'm not even allowed to go to the loo!

LordVolAuVent · 11/04/2010 09:12

Ooh just rememerbered one thing I did hear, try playing looks of boo/peepo/peekaboo type games with her where you hide for v short periods behind stuff and hands etc, helps them get used to it in a fun way. Good luck!

Mrs1GeneGenie · 11/04/2010 10:25

thanks! we now have the joys of a stomach bug as well,being 9 months old is tough at times Does anyone know if the best thing to do is to feed through it?

as you may have all guessed i'm fairly new to mums net but wish i'd chatted sooner about some of my other baby dilema's, you have all been fantastic

EmmaMe · 11/04/2010 10:28

if she is 8 months old, she just needs reassurance and cuddles, full stop. At this age many babies experience separation anxiety and the only way to help them is this reassurance. Controlled crying may show them the opposite - the world is harsh, my parents are unpredictable and are not there for me. This technique may work for 2-3 years old, but I would still look for nicer ways to get children to behave...

LordVolAuVent · 11/04/2010 11:27

Poor u and poor DD

DS recently had a stomach bug and the only thing he kept down for any length of time was breast milk (I started feeding him again having just stopped completely!)
Official advice is to keep offering food/milk but obviously they will bring it back up. Lots of water - a sip every few mins. She is more likely to keep down single fruit and veg purees and if you've gone onto lumps, I'd go back to smooth ones again. Hope it's short-lived!

Mrs1GeneGenie · 11/04/2010 11:40

am hoping she will feed soon as i'm about to burst and will have to do some expressing if not! am trying the water but even that's coming up at the min

thanks emmame for your post

LordVolAuVent · 11/04/2010 20:23

How is your baby?

Tummy bugs are the worst... When mine had one a few wks ago, he was vomiting every half an hour overnight the first night, poor boy started keeping some stuff down after that, but some stuff came straight back up again so don't worry if that happens. He then got awful diarrheoa for 3 days! Hope your DDs isn't that bad, but if it is try not to worry, once she starts being able to hold down a bit of milk/water she won't dehydrate.

PS hope the boobs are OK too!

Mrs1GeneGenie · 11/04/2010 21:13

What a night! just back from a & e as dd's temp wouldn't come down and she kapt being sick. After a lttle help from some rectal paracetamol and syringe feeding her water she picked up enough to come home and is now asleep in her cot.
dh has just got home with a take away and we're gona try and recover!
Boobs are better thanks lord v

LordVolAuVent · 11/04/2010 21:35

Poor you, we had to do the same because DS couldn't keep the meds for his temp down

Is a nightmare at children's isn't it? Was full of babies/children being sick when we went too, lovely! As if you haven't had enough of your own DCs sick! Hope she gets better soon

Flip