Aggressive 2yo with no fear of Time Out!

[fromheretomaternity]

I am tearing my hair out about DS (24 months). He is a happy little chap when on his own playing with me, but as soon as he gets near other children he is often aggressive (pushing, pulling hair, lunging at faces), frequently completely unprovoked. Worst of all, he does it with small children - he pushed over a 1 year old today and really hurt her.

Apart from staying close to him to protect the other kids, I am trying to come down hard on it Jo Frost style - tell him it's naughty, give 1 warning, then do time out, explain why, and ask him to apologise afterwards.

Trouble is, he seems completely unfazed by time out. He fidgets around till I come and get him, smiles and gives me a hug, then goes off and does exactly the same thing.

Finding it pretty upsetting and stressful. Anyone been through it? I know a lot of people say it's 'just a phase' and he doesn't understand, but I do think he knows he's being naughty and I can't just let it go without punishing in some way, surely?

i know you've heard it before, but it's just a phase. prevention is prob better than punishment at his age imo although I know others disagree. I've never found time out to work all that well til 2 1/2 at the earliest and better at 3. can you stay away from playgroups for a few weeks and see if he improves? distract distract distract on other occasions? you're doing great if you're staying near him and watching him tbh - there's plenty of mums at toddler groups who don't bother (grr). I used to take ds1 home when he went through his charming biting phase - one bite, you're out . sympathies

But what do you expect his reaction to time out to be - what would make you feel better?

Stop expecting anything from it; the thing is, it's a consequence to his action and he IS learning from it. He does not need to be sobbing and remorseful to be learning. Learning is done by consistent, firm but fair boundaries.

Just because he isn't changing instantly, doesn't mean it isn't working.

It's just to do with child development; at two, he is still all 'ego' without the social skills bit that we learn - because to have social skills, you have to be able to put yourself in another person's position to imagine how THEY feel; and he's just two, he can't do that yet

But he will, as soon as he can if you carry on being firm but fair with him; have faith!

Oh, and personally; I'd limit playdates at this age. They're not compulsory! Or meet other kids at the park or swimming so it's a bit easier for you to have him busy with other stuff.

I agree. Make life easier for yourself and take your DS to a play park, somewhere less structured where he may or may not meet other kids but has something to distract him like the swings or the slide etc. Swimming pool is also a good idea - water will keep him occupied.

I have a 2yo and have never used the Time Out technique - he's not emotionally ready for that yet. He doesn't understand this type of punishment.

DS also hits out at other children, and I also stay with him supervising ready to intervene at any time. He is doing it less and less these days but it does still happen. I usually get down to his level and tell him his behaviour was not acceptable and tell him to say 'sorry' to the child he hit. It is just a phase so I've been told!

Hm. I'd been thinking the opposite - get him to as many playgroups as possible so that he gets used to being around other children. Time to rethink my strategy maybe.

It is just a phase,
DS1 was just the same as yours and he would just laugh at every punishment I tried.

I even hit him once, after he nearly killed DS2 - he hit him on the forehead with a china cup, on purpose. I asked him why he did it and he said he wanted to hurt the baby!
but when I hit him he just laughed at me. I felt rubbish for hitting and even more rubbish that it didn't have any effect.

he had no respect for a naughty step as he would just get up and walk away.

the best time out for him was from when he was about 2 and a half and I would put him into his travel cot alone without any toys or anything else to play with. and this worked as he didn't like the isolation. but even then I don't think this had much effect on his behaviour long term.

instead I think he just grew out of it

Is now 3yo and it was like a switched flipped a couple of months ago, he is so much better behaved now he actually plays with other children, he is no angel but not the devil he was, he rarely hits or pushes other children

i had this at times with my eldest (now 3 1/2) and ive seen it at groups myself, it is a phase but i found telling off and making them say sorry was best thing,the other thing i found myself doing was waiting for her to get hit back, this sounds cruel but actually worked and she soon stopped, its the learning curb of action and consequence.

that's the thing with kids; it's about their developmental stage. No good sticking him with other kids every day if his developmental stage won't yet allow him to consider their feelings and therefore moderate his behaviour. I do think people now expect 'practice to make perfect' but imo in the very early years this does not have to be the case and indeed can't be if they're not ready

I think it's about being clever and thinking your way round it rather than keeping banging your head on it iyswim.

when my daughter was about 2 and son was 5/6 months she would end up hurting (not spitefully) or taking things from him and each time he cried i told her to leave him alone, give it back or whatever was needed, one day i realised this wasnt doing anything so i left it for a few mins, she realised after approx 2 mins she gave toy back, gave him a cuddle and said sorry, i just hadn't given her the chance to see for herself what she'd doen wrong before that.

If he's completely unfazed by the timeout, could it be that he doesn't see it as a punishment? at 2 years, social interaction is only just developing - if he's not interested in playing with these children yet anyway, a time out where he can't be near them isn't going to be a punishment in the same way it would be to an older child. Depending on how long it is, he could be being entertained by watching what's going on everywhere.

When he gets older and wants to play, then being denied companionship for a few minutes will be a punishment. At the moment, it's probably completely okay to him - if he's overwhelmed by the other children (which could be a reason for his behaviour I guess) he might even see it as a benefit. You realyl can't always tell how your child sees the world at this age, so have to go on visual clues. If the timeouts aren't working, I would say it's a good idea to try another approach.

You certainly won't harm him by not making him inteact closely with children in that sort of environment for a few weeks, or even cutting out other children altogether for a while. Parks and swimming, as other have said, provide plenty of interaction.