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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

5 year old DD refusing to eat any meal without a MASSIVE fight first - please help!

21 replies

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 07/04/2010 21:41

Hi all

Thanks for reading.

My DD is 5 yrs old - 6 in July. She has generally been quite a good eater, although has a tendency to mess around at the table if she isn't really hungry. But for the last 4 - 6 weeks, when I put her meal in front of her, she rants and raves telling me it's disgusting and she wants something different. Today I cooked her favourite meal, that she had actually asked for, and when we sat down to eat she refused to eat it saying she hated it and wanted something different. She very quickly gets very angry and shouts and kicks and is generally really quite horrid .

She ended up on the naughty step, but carried on tantruming when she came back in, in the end I took her upstairs and gave her a choice - bath and bed with no tea, or come downstairs and eat what was on her plate without any further tantrums. She chose to go down and eat and then cleared her plate.

It is really getting me down as it is just about every meal time this happens - is she just testing boundaries? How should I deal with it? Any tips would be very welcome.

Thanks

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Dancergirl · 07/04/2010 21:46

Carry on doing what you're doing. Stay calm yourself and don't make an alternative. Yes she is testing the boundaries but it's a phase that won't last.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 07/04/2010 21:50

Mine go through phases of this. I tend to shrug, say, "fine. Don't eat it if you don't want it. Could you leave the table then please and leave the rest of us to enjoy our meal in peace?"

I find they don't like being excluded from the meal, and I try to carry on a nice conversation with the others (although obviously difficult if it is just you and her!) Also I think if they see it doesn't really matter to you whether they eat it or not, they lose their power (!) over you!

kitkatqueen · 07/04/2010 21:55

If it helps my 6 yr old is doing something v similar, I don't think its a boundaries issue tho so much as a control issue if you get the distinction?

She is begginning to feel the need to be in control of herself, her life. There are only so many things kids can control and one of them is what they eat.

I'm currently getting mine to eat on the basis that if she doesn't eat her dinner her feet won't grow and she won't get new shoes, but I've given her more control over another part of her day at the same time. We've given her a bedside lamp and although she goes to bed at the same time as her brothers and sister she can read for half an hour or so and turn the light out when she chooses.

I'm not sure how well its working yet, but she seems happier and is giving us less upset over meals so fingers crossed!

mummc2 · 07/04/2010 21:59

My DD is 5.5 and has also tried this many a time and we tend to ask her is she sure she doesnt want to eat it then she can leave the table and be quiet while we eat/talk at the table. She doesnt get angry but an hour later she will come moaning and saying she is hungry but maybe mean but i dont give her anything and tell her she eats at mealtimes and if she doesnt want to do this then she goes hungry. She usually sits lovely and eats everything next time fuss free.

I would say just try and count to five in your head and stay calm she is obviously after a reaction, hopefully this will stop soon for you.

bumbums · 07/04/2010 22:01

Yes this is pure attention seeking behaviour. Take all the emotion out of it. Put the food in front of her, she aets it or she doesn't. You don't need to tollerate tantrums at the table though. If she can't behave at the table then naughty step will have to be put into action. Maybe set a 15 or 30 minute time limit on meal time. Then it goes in bin.
Has anything happened recently that could be making her feel the need for some extra attention from you. If nothing springs to mind maybe try and give her something extra that's happy time anyway. It may have a knock on effect at meal times.

Sounds like you're doing things just right by the way. Stick at it and the issue will dissappear before you realise.

Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 07/04/2010 22:07

Thanks for all the replies. kitkat she already goes to bed a little bit later than her sister, who is 14 months younger, and I did that so she felt a distinction as the older sister, but I will have a think about what she can do to give her more control in her life.

jooly - she won't go quietly! She demands something different and always has a massive tantrum even when I'm calm (and when she does this on a work day I don't always manage the calm). She goes from nothing to 3000 feet in the space of about 5 seconds she is so volatile.

mummc she has always given in and eaten so far, but I would struggle to send her to bed hungry - although that is what I threaten and so far I've managed to call her bluff...don't know what I'll do when she calls mine!

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piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 22:14

I agree, it is pure attention seeking and it isn't about food, it is about control. Serve whatever you are serving, don't do alternatives. Just remove the food and don't get into a discussion about it. Ignore. If she then changes her mind give it back to her. Once the meal is over that it it. No snacks and she waits until the next meal. If she goes to bed hungry it is her own fault and she won't starve. Once she sees that you mean it she will get on and eat. Take all the emotion out of it and don't get drawn into any discussion.

Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 07/04/2010 22:26

bumbums we cross posted, so I missed yours but thanks for taking the time to post. No nothing has changed that I can think of - except that she has become more resentful of the fact that her sister who is 4 spends Fridays at home whilst she has to go to school.

I will try to keep calm and ignore, she is so vocal though completely ignoring her is quite difficult.

I worry about sending her to bed hungry as it feels quite harsh and I worry she won't sleep as she is a bit of a skinny min so when she gets hungry she gets really hungry.

Thanks again for the replies, I feel better that you all seem to think it's not terribly unusual and just about control and attention. I wish I could get into her head and understand what she is thinking when she is telling me she hates a food that she has always loved!

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cory · 07/04/2010 22:28

I have made it clear to my children that I won't get upset or angry about them not eating- but I will not put up with rude comments about my cooking, that is sheer rudeness and not tolerated. What piscesmoon says is right, though, you need to take the emotion out of it.

MaryMotherOfManchego · 07/04/2010 22:32

Who knows. I wouldn't bother to try to fathom it.

Stick to your guns. it won't take long before she realises being hungry isn't much fun. And tantrums are just tantrums. Ignore.

Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 07/04/2010 22:33

Right then, from tomorrow I am going to try to completely ignore - other than to move the meal and tell DD to go out of the room if she isn't eating. Will probably have to pick her up and move her but am going to give it a go...working on self control now!

Really grateful for all the replies, it's very reassuring and helps to know that not giving in to her is the right thing. I was starting to believe that she would be sick if she ate macaroni cheese and veg today - even though I know she loves it and has eaten it loads of times before!

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piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 22:33

I tell them that I am not a restaurant! I shop for food, cook it, serve it and washup. It is up to them if they eat it or not and I have done my bit. If they go to bed hungry it is entirely their own fault. I really don't think that she will do it more than once-just have a big breakfast ready!

mummc2 · 07/04/2010 22:34

I also have a younger DD and older one gets very jealous especially when she cant be there, I just try and make a time of day when we can have some special time doing what she wants even if its only 15 mins and she loves it. I let her pick what we do and we call it our grown up girly parties i even have to get an invite given. She has to behave well all day though in order to get this, its her treat. Yesterday while her sister slept in the afternoon we made buns, tonight we painted her toenails before bed and i gave her a facial.

MaryMotherOfManchego · 09/04/2010 22:16

Having any joy with it?

piscesmoon · 10/04/2010 07:56

I don't think that there will be any joy while DD knows that OP won't send her to bed hungry-she has the upper hand.

Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 10/04/2010 21:42

Well...yes, we had salmon last night, which DD2 loves, DD1 used to but now refuses to eat. As soon as she started shouting, I put her on the bottom step and left her for a few minutes and then went out and very calmly explained that there was nothing else to eat, but if she really didn't want to eat it, that was fine, she could go up to bed now, but there was nothing else to eat. She thought for a bit and then muttered 'it's not fair' a few times, but then came in and ate everything on her plate except the salmon. She then asked for pudding, and I told her she had to have 6 mouthfuls of salmon first. Which she did without fuss.

I was quite pleased with that, and I think the difference was that I was much more certain I was handling it in the right way (thanks guys!) and so came across much more confidently to her.

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Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 10/04/2010 21:44

pisces She doesn't know I wouldn't send her to bed hungry - she has never pushed that far. TBH if she did, I would have to or as you say she would always have the upper hand. Hopefully it won't get to that though...

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Debs75 · 10/04/2010 21:56

You won't hurt her if she goes to bed without any tea for one night, believe me.
My DD1 is a nightmare to feed as she doesn't like a lot of food and would happily just eat one or two meals, her favourite being sandwiches. She was sent to bed hungry on a few occasions and she soon realised that it was better to eat at least part of her tea. Yes you do feel cruel that night but she won't starve herself and once she realsises she can't push you around she will start to eat.
Keep as calm as you like and don't get dragged into a huge discussion about it as she will twist you round her little finger. ronights tea shows you are on the right path so keep going.

piscesmoon · 10/04/2010 22:13

She knows that you are very bothered about what she eats -mothers are, they can't help it-if she came to my house she would know that I wasn't in the least bothered! That is the difference.

piscesmoon · 10/04/2010 22:15

It probably came across wrong-what I meant was that it is difficult when it is your own DC.

Original poster

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 10/04/2010 22:27

Hi pisces I knew what you meant and I agree with you. She does know that I care about what she eats, and one of the things I need to do is to ignore more and react less.

I think having a number of people reinforcing what I was doing, including about sending to bed hungry (which I wouldn't like to do, but have steeled myself to do it she pushes it) has made me feel much better and more confident about how I am handling this.

So a genuine thank you to all of you - I really do appreciate you taking the time to post.

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