Anyone else struggling to cope with toddler and newborn?

[Gangle]

DS2 is 2 weeks old and finding it really hard to cope with looking after him and DS1, 24 months. I've had loads of help as DH as been on paternity leave and my mum then my MIL have both stayed with us to lend a hand; MIL is still here. We also have a nanny share for DS1 although the nanny has been on holiday since 29 March, so I really can't complain. However, just can't get my head around how you are supposed to deal with both baby and toddler at the same time. Breakfast and bedtimes seem particularly difficult - am up all night with DS2 then DS1 wakes up and wants breakfast at exactly the same time as DS2 needs a feed. Torn between who to deal with first. Also difficult as I am very very close to DS1 and I feel horrible that I can't be there for him 100% like I used to be. DH has had to do bedtime a few times and I can hear DS1 asking for mummy and feel terrible that I can't go to him because I am feeding DS2. Things will obviously get easier when our nanny is back but I am now worried that I will feel horribly guilty about packing DS1 off with a nanny whilst I am at home with DS2. I know a lot of the way I am feeling is down to hormones and getting used to a big change but just feel so down about the whole thing and panicky about being separated from DS1 who is going through a difficult tantrumy phase and needs his mummy. Also feel guilty that I am not giving DS2 the attention he deserves. Is anyone else going through the same thing?

My DS1 was 26 month when DS2 was born, I had help for about the first 3 weeks and then a nanny 2 days a week DS1 in nursery 2 days a week and both 1 day.
Breakfast, get all the breakfast things out the night before so all you have to so is tip out shreddies and pour milk. If DS2 wants a feed at that time do it in the kitchen and make sure theres lots of toys around in the kitchen whilst you finish feeding.
Try and spend lots of time with DS1, I asked my nanny to go to events with me, then when DS2 has finished feeding he could go to nanny and I couls spend some time with me by himeslf. (I don't know how it would work with the nanny share, but if you can't make sure you take him out at weekends when your husbands around).
Bath: don't!!! get DH to do it when he gets home.
It does get better, my too love playing with each other so much, I'm worried at the moment how DS2 is going to cope when DS1 goes to school

Give yourself a break - why can't you accept the help of your husband and mil? They are your childs parent/grandparent.

It it hard to not feel guilty but it is very very very ok for other people to help.

Things will get better honest.

Repeat after yourself: It will get better! My DS1 is 25 months old and my DS2 is now 5 months old so even closer age gap than yours... I cannot even remember the reasons why I thought this was even a good idea!

I found the first 6 weeks extremely difficult. I almost broke down at 6 weeks. DS2 was being a baby i.e. unpredictable and I could not work out what to do for best. DS2 also threw up a lot in the early days and I seemed to spend half the time yelling ay DS1 not to step in the vomit, while trying to clean it up... Things got a bit easier from 3 months onwards when DS2 fell into a routine and became more predictable. Now things are getting better everyday though DS1 has upped the ante with his challenging behaviour (people will tell you it's only the terrible twos... Well, they are not living it!) some days. I found out today that threatening to put DS1 on the naughty step while feeding DS2 was NOT a good idea, not to mention un-doable...

Don't feel guilty about DS1 going off with the nanny. My DS1 is still in nursery 3 full days a week - you will need those days to recover and bond with DS2. DS2 might get less attention from you but overall, you need to realise that it is such a gift to have a sibling and when they are older and play together, it will all be worthwhile. It will also start to get more rewarding when you see the two interacting together... DS1 put DS2's milk bottle in his toy microwave today and tried to feed his brother afterwards... We have been trying to encourage DS2 to roll over and you cannot help but smile when DS1 tries to give DS2 a helping hand in rolling over and when DS2 succeeds, DS1 is shouting 'Well done, DS2! Well done!'

It IS hard, but you will get used to it.

I was able to walk around whilst feeding after a few weeks, that makes it better.

Sometimes you will need to deal with one first, sometimes the other. It will sort itself out in your head soon. When you have some help things will be easier.

Remember that you are not letting your DS1 down in any way, you have given him a little brother to play with. You are still his mum, don't feel guilty.

Are you getting much sleep? It is still very early days for you. COngratulations on your new baby.

On a practical level, all my previously high standards have gone to hell all but disappeared.

DS1 now watches more TV than I care to admit to anyone. All meals are done in the living room in front of the TV. I keep telling myself it's not forever and DS1 still eats at the table in nursery at least...

I do bathe both of them though. It's tricky but do-able. Fill the bath, lay out all the towels you need on the floor, make sure all toiletries are within one-arm reach. Put DS1 in first, bathe DS2 quickly. Dress DS2 and leave on mat while you sort DS1 one out!

I have DD1, 24 months, and DD2, 7 weeks so I really know where you're coming from. Just remember that IT WILL GET EASIER!!!!!

If they both want breakfast at the same time, I deal with DD1 first.....it only takes a few seconds to put some ceral and milk into a bowl, whereas a breast feed takes us 40 minutes. I then sit at the table next to DD1 whilst she eats her breakfast, with DD2 on the boob.

Lunch...DD1 has something really simple that I can make quickly (a sandwich or beans on toast). Dinner......she has a home cooked meal that has been cooked in advance and frozen. That way all I have to do is take a tuppaware box out of the freezer and bung it in the microwave for 5 minutes. Although the other week I did manage to make and serve fishfingers, peas and mashed potato all without taking DD2 off the boob!

Bed/bath......don't do it!!! My DH has had to do bed time by himself pretty much every night since DD1 has been born. She doesn't mind at all cos she hasn't seen Daddy all day so it's a good chance for them to spend some extra time together.

I did feel very guilty at the begining because DD1 no longer gets the same level of 1-to-1 attention that she was used to (I am a SAHM) but she loves her baby sister.......she helps me change nappies, sits next to me to read a book or watch cbeebies when I am feeding, and even helps me to burp the baby! She loves to be involved and help mummy. I also know that DD2 is not going to have the same level of quality mummy time that DD2 had as an only child for 23 months, but also know that DD2 doesn't know any different! I also remind myself that DD1 will go to nursery this time next year and then DD2 will get to spend lots more time 1-to-1 with me.

Take all the help you can get and keep reminding yourself that IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

I had 18mths between my two, no nanny, no childcare, no nursery.

It is hard, but with a little organisation it is do-able. Just remember that the baby CAN wait a minute or two whilst you sort out your ds1. Yes, ds2 may grizzle but it is important that you dont let ds1 feel like the baby always comes first.

Others have given some good tips, but remember, it is early days yet and you will find your groove! It just takes a while to settle into. In six months you will look back and see how far you have come

I was in this situation last year, with no help after the first month except for dh. I'm still not sure how I survived that first year (DD is 16 months now). DD didn't actually get bathed until she was able to sit up unassisted in the bath with DS. We meant to bath her every evening after DS was in bed but we were too exhausted so I ended up taking her into the shower with me in the morning. I carried DD in a sling all the time when she was little and fed her in the sling while I dealt with DS and walked her to sleep in the sling. In fact she still gets carried to sleep because I never had the opportunity nor the energy to teach her to go to sleep in a cot.

I feel your pain - I'm trying to cope with and 18 month old and a 6 week old at the moment. Some great advice on here. I just wanted to say don't panic - I spent the whole two weeks of DH's paternity leave dreading looking after both of them alone and I spent the morning that DH went back to work in floods of tears thinking I couldn't cope - but it was never as bad as I expected it to be, even when DS got gastroenteritis (sp?) when DD was 4 weeks old - somehow you find a rhythm and just cope, and the worrying can be worse than the actuality IYSWIM.

Try and make sure you get as much sleep as possible or everything will seem much harder - I go to bed after I've put DS down at about 8ish, DH looks after DD until 11.30 ish and just brings her to me if she needs a feed - this really helps.

Also bathtime - had the same issue, now we make it a family bathtime, I perch on the edge of the bath feeding DD while DH bathes DS. And I've found if DS is tantrumming for attention while I'm feeding DD during the day, cbeebies really helps

A few practical tips;

get a bath seat and bathe them both together; we have an 18 mth age gap and have been doing this since week 2.

get a good sling, put dc2 in it and carry on as normal.

get dc1 as involved in dc2s care as possible. We giggle at stinky nappies together and dc1 has the essential job of holding the wipes.

plan lots of activities. I find the more I am out, the better things go.

It does get better quite soon, I promise.

thanks all, this is really helpful. These early weeks are just so difficult. Did any of you find that having relatives stay to "help" actually makes things harder? Find it really hard having to factor people in/talk to them when feeling thoroughly miserable and down - think it would in some ways be easier when just me and the children. The guilt is terrible as well - sure DS1 is playing up because of the new arrival. MIL is being very harsh with him which is also difficult to manage as I need her help but don't like the way she does things. Fingers crossed it will all get easier soon. Thanks again.

Gangle - I had a really nice day today. This morning, after DS2's nap, I took them both to the nearby Sure Start Children's Centre, if you have one near you, they are great. Their stay and play sessions have staff supervising so you don't feel constantly having to watch both kids. They also have a kitchenette where I can prepare DS2's milk and the staff are lovely, always willing to provide a helping hand whenever needed. DS1 did some painting, played outside and played with lots of toys.

After both boys' nap (I slept for an hour with DS2 when he woke up early from his afternoon nap), I took them to the local park. Armed with bucket, spade etc, DS1 had a ball playing in the sand pit. We then had a quick go at the playground and the swings and headed home. There were a few wobbles - me having to carry DS1 a short way while pushing the pram. Taking DS2 out of the pushchair a couple of times when he started to grizzle and trying to stop DS1 running off in the park... But overall, I can't believe what a nice day it had been compared to what I can only term mostly chaotic and stressful days. So fingers crossed that day comes soon for you!

I could have had my mum come and stay when DS2 was born but I decided not to. Only because my mum is rather hard work herself and I couldn't bear it. There are days where I regretted that but overall, I am glad I did it all myself. What I did find really helpful was when my in-laws came and took DS1 for a few days so it's just me and DS2 and I know that DS1 is having a brilliant time with the grandparents. Can your MIL not do that instead of staying at yours?

I hated having people come to 'help'! My experience was that they never actually helped (ie entertained themselves, did the washing up/ laundry/ shopping) but expected to sit around drinking cups of tea (made by me) and chatting. It wasn't long until everyone was banned! Far better to work it out quietly by yourself.

I would definitely recommend a sling - a wrap sling - for ds2. That way he'll be calm and quiet while you get ds1's breakfast or lunch etc, and he can wait a few minutes for a feed.

Baths - don't bother! Babies don't need baths more than once a week tops (more is bad for their skin) and dh can give ds1 his bath. Perhaps then you could do the rest of the bedtime routine and dh can settle ds2.

I have dd (2.5 years) and ds (10 weeks) and a nanny currently working four days a week. She used to just look after dd, but what I have now started to do is alternating care a little so that she looks after ds for a couple of hours so I can spend some time exclusively with dd. This is working really well, especially as my nanny is just nuts about my little ds! The other day I took dd on her own to one of our favourite playgroups and I enjoyed my time with her soooo much. It was just like old times.

I am mixed feeding, using formula as well as breastfeeding and also pumping to be able to give expressed milk in bottles. This obviously makes it easier for ds to be fed by someone else. If you're breastfeeding exclusively could your new baby also be fed ebm by your nanny?

I truly take my hat off to all those women who manage to look after a toddler and newborn on their own. Even with all the help I have I still find it really hard, and miss the freedom and relative easiness that I had started to have as my dd got older.

I am really interested in this thread as I have another one due in August, when my first boy will be 26 months. Octaviapink, why is a wrap sling better? Can you breastfeed baby while in the sling? I currently have a baby bjorn but don't think I could breastfeed in that (although feel free to correct me if I'm wrong,anyone!).

I just went out to the local park with a cafe for lunch. Big mistake, DS2 would not sit in the pushchair quietly and screamed through lunch (while I shoveled fish and chips as fast as possible into my mouth!) while I tried to get DS1 to eat his lunch quickly in the high chair. Never legged it out so fast of a cafe before. BIG breathe! Still, I made it to Thursday before I had a BAD day... Mind you, there was a lady in the cafe with two toddlers (they were bigger though, probably around 4/5 years old and a newborn and she was sitting serenely there watching her kids get muddy while she BF her newborn. Sigh I guess some mothers are just better at this mothering lark!

breath not breathe

Ended up pushing DS1 in the pushchair while carrying DS2 in one arm the whole way home... Not recommended!

A wrap sling is very easy to use and it makes having a toddler and a newborn much easier. and yes you can breastfeed in one.

these videos show how it is done.

i am partial to the pdf file myself.