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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! 9 year old with behavioural issues.

27 replies

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 13:08

My 9 year old step-daughter throws tantrums just like a two year old. She screams, cries, throws things, chucks herself onto the floor, wets and soils herself, and makes herself sick. She lies about everything. In the past she has tried to strangle my six-year old daughter, ans recently tried to push her down the stairs. I cannot make my partner see that this is abnormal behaviour, and I am at the end of my tether. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

MintyMarchmont · 02/04/2010 13:11

Blimey. How long has this been going on? What does the school say? Has she been diagnosed with any kind of SN?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 13:23

About a year. She behaves at school, except for getting a bit tearful. She hasn't been diagnosed with anything, and it's making my life hell. Her father won't admit that this isn't right, and if something isn't done soon, our family will be broken up.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 13:25

what happened a year ago then

MintyMarchmont · 02/04/2010 13:35

yes somethig must have triggered it..family upset? bullying? hormones?

annh · 02/04/2010 13:39

Does she live with you or her mother? Is her mother in the picture?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 13:43

Nothing that we know of triggered it, it just started. She lives with us, as her mother tried to put her into care when she was 4. She sees her mother as and when it's 'convenient'. I just don't understand what suddenly started it off.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 13:56

how can your partner think a 9 year old soiling and wetting herself is normal? what does he think the problem is?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 13:57

My partner and I have only been together a couple of years, and we had a baby last year, but she was not only fine with that, she was so excited to get a little brother. Nothing coincides with the timing of her behaviour, and she can go for a couple of months without acting like this, but we have had three tantrums since yesterday morning, and she has got nearly a month off school still to go. I'm wondering if she has some kind of special needs, as it's not just her emotional development that is very behind her physical age. She struggles with the same level of school work that my six year old does with ease.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 13:59

My partner just sticks his head in the sand and ignores it. I think that he is scared of getting her assessed or seen by a professional, because in the back of his mind he knows there is a serious problem, and he doesn't want her labelled with 'mental health' issues. His mother is just as bad, won't admit that S needs help, and treats her like a toddler.

OP posts:

annh · 02/04/2010 14:00

I'm so sorry, it must be incredibly stressful for you to deal with, try to keep your younger daughter out of harm's way and have to deal with your partner's refusal to accept there is a problem as well.

Have you actually spoken to her teacher and outlined exactly how she behaves at home? Soiling herself without a medical reason at 9 is not normal and i can't believe your partner thinks it is. Would he accompany you to see your GP to discuss the situation? Do you have other family/friends with children who might also reiterate this to him?

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 14:02

I'd speak to the school, see what they think. If they recommend she sees someone like a child pyschologist, your dh is going to have a harder time refusing.

annh · 02/04/2010 14:03

I think we're cross posting now but if she is struggling with schoolwork and performing about 3 years behind her year group, then I cannot understand why the teachers haven't been speaking to you at least about that?

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 14:05

it is frightening when you think there might be something wrong with one of your children....have you tried to turn it round and make it a positive thing? so by getting her help, her behaviour might impove and make things easier for her and everyone else? rather than seeing it as a label?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 14:05

He won't talk about it with friends and family, plays it down so that it sounds like I'm exaggerating. Because I am not her mother, and I don't have parental responsibility, I am limited as to who I can speak to regarding the situation, even though I am her main carer. When asked about the soiling and wetting (I thought at first it was a medical problem, my step-daughter just says she couldn't be bothered to go to the bathroom. She stopped for a few months when I started making her clean herself up, and made it clear she was old enough that I should not be washing her after 'accidents', but she has just started again.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 14:07

so she can stop it then. It sounds like she is crying out for attention

annh · 02/04/2010 14:11

I would be very blunt with your partner. In one of your posts you said that your family would be broken up if something did not happen. If you mean that, make sure he knows it too. I would also ask him how he can profess to love his child who is so obviously distressed about something to the extent of making herself sick and yet do nothing about it? I'm sorry, I know nothing about parental responsibility but does this mean that if you took her to the doctor on your own for instance, and he did not agree, he could prevent you from doing so?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 14:12

Her school work has improved from what it was when she started at that school, so they see it as a success rather than a problem. My partner took her to see a psychologist before christmas, but he played things down to such an extent that the dr said that her behaviour just needed 'tweaking'. I feel like I am the only one who has a problem with the way she behaves, and I don't get any support. Her father and grandmother both walk on eggshells so as not to upset her, but I am not prepared to do that, as it won't do her any favours in the long run.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 02/04/2010 14:14

did the pyschologist meet her?

you can go on your own to the psychologist and ask him for help in managing her behaviour (i.e you don't need to take her with you).

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 14:17

Parental responsibility would mean that I had the legal right to involve myself in her schooling, and medical issues. As it is, without written permission from one of her parents, I can do nothing.
We have tried ignoring the tantrums and rewarding good behaviour, but that hasn't worked, so I am not sure that it's attention she wants. She gets more attention than the other kids in the household put together.My partner is a good man, he is just frightened for his daughter, so is hoping if he ignores her behaviour, it will stop as suddenly as it started.

OP posts:

annh · 02/04/2010 14:17

Did your partner take her to the psychologist on his own?

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 14:18

The psychologist met S, she sat there like a little angel, which is the face she shows to the outside world. As the psychologist didn't think there was a problem, we have no further appointments.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummysarah123 · 02/04/2010 14:25

Yes, he took S by himself, didn't ask if I wanted to go too, because he knew I would tell them the complete truth. He wants to protect her, but that isn't helping her.

OP posts:

rabbitstew · 02/04/2010 14:44

She sounds like a very sad little girl who is crying out for help. You have to make your partner see that he is letting her down by not getting the message. And why on earth did her mother want to put her into care when she was 4??? If I were her, I'd be a thoroughly insecure little girl lashing out at anyone who cares for me and testing their love, too. And however much I said I loved my new little brother, I would have a very hard time believing that I was loved as much as him, and if you feel doubtful of someone's love then you may well constantly test it by being horrible and seeing if they come back for more, or if they reject you as you expect them to. She's just taking this to extremes for some reason, and it is very important that an outside expert finds out why so that you can all be helped - it seems to be too close to home for it to be resolved in the home. Your partner is not protecting her by doing nothing to help her obvious distress and anger.

annh · 02/04/2010 14:59

Your partner obviously seriously underplayed the severity of the situation with the psychologist. They are trained to see through the sitting still like an angel act and I cannot believe if he had been honest about specific instances of wetting, vomiting and physical harm to other siblings that the psychologist would not have wanted to see them again. It's very sad that you are showing more love and concern for this little girl than her father and that you have to turn yourself into a nag to get some help for her. It is also unreasonable for you to be her main carer without being included in appointments regarding her. Your partner may be a good man but he is placing an unfair burden on you. He should not be able to to pick and choose the bits of her life in which you get involved. Can you demand that you see the psychologist again with him? Or do oyu not feel this is something you can do?

ConstantlyCooking · 02/04/2010 15:23

Also as regards the birth of her brother - young babies are often not seen as threatening by older siblings until they begin to move/talk and can demand more things for themselves - also they get lots of praise for doing new things - maybe she wants to be a toddler again? Hope things work out for you.
Don't know anything about the legal side of things, but as you are one of her carers , could you do as another poster suggested and see the psychologist yourself to ask for advice on how to handle the behaviour? I know this would make it seem more like your problem, but maybe your dp would accept it for just that reason. Stress that you want things to work as a family but that as a family you need a helping hand.

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