awful awful behaviour from 3 1/2 yo DD - please help

[olivo]

for the pasr 6 weeks or so, we have not been able to cope with DD1s awful behaviour, and we are rapidly starting to resent the effect it is having on our daily lives. tantrums, kicking, screaming, waking at night crying and screaming, pushing/shoving DD2, being deliberately disobedient, taking at least 3 requests to do anything etc etc. I hasten to add, she is only like this at home/with us, not at nursery or with her GPs/ friens' parents etc.

we have tried sticker charts and rewards, time out, consequences such as no TV, no activity classes etc but nothing is working. she is particularly horrible to DH, ignoring his requests and kicking off when he goes to her at night.

it is like something on severe supernanny aand we are exhausted. any help would be welcome! TIA

I'm no expert, but wanted to offer a bit of sympathy. I have a 4yo DS and he goes through phases like this - usually when something in his wee world has changed (or even just his understanding of his wee world, IYKWIM?).

The only thing that flags up in your post is the fact that you have tried many different things. There is a chance that this gives your daughter the message that the rules change anyway, and she does have control over the outcome.

I know it sounds trite, but I find lots of cuddles and one-on-one playing, with praise for positive behaviour (rather than just silently thanking the gods for a few minutes peace, as I often do!)

We introduced 'golden time' for a while, where DS1 got to choose something to do with one of us (and not DS2!) before dinner, or just before bed. This was usually about a half hour. We don't call it golden time anymore (this was a phrase DS got from nursery, not ours!) but we have evolved to having more one-to-one time with him...it seems to help.

Good luck.

...oh, and with the bad behaviour; ignore, ignore, ignore!

If she is being mean/violent to DD2 lift your younger child up and make a fuss of them, saying "Poor DD2, I'm sure DD1 didn't mean to make you feel sad/hurt you".

oh olivo i really feel for you, we had this with DS1 at a similar age, it is really upsetting, the good news is he is fine now, although he can still be a bit a mean to DH especially when i've been mean to DH or when DH barks demands rather than just asking! it is amazing how much they are aware of even at that age! I know I sometimes find it easy to forget how old the DSs are and spend too much time expecting adult behaviour, i'm not saying they should run wild but ykwim!

This will probably come across wrong but have you tried being reeeaaaaly nice like this all the time and talking like a mouse? i found it really helped, it took a couple of days and was hard to stop myself from snapping constantly. also get out and about as much as poss a little distraction can really work,

I find now that when im menstrual and snappy he reverts to being how he was before

Remember though this is not your fault, he loves you more than anyone, don't take it personally that he is't like this with anyone else, in fact be grateful!!! It will get better!

I really need to think quicker!

Good Point YCTT i think we were guilty of inconsistencies with rewards/reprimands, which might be why trying really really being super nice all the time and not making a big deal out of bad behaviour, worked

thank you for your support. i have tried to be consistent with rewards and consequences; rewards for even the smallest good things, particularly where her sister is concerned and warnings before consequences, which have started to mount up. it is hard to ignore bad behaviour at 3 a.m when you have been woken several times already but i do try if it is minor during the day.
i've tried being ultra nice but it doesnt last too long as i'm just so tired . i've also tried doing some one to one big girl stuff but she usually spoils it by kicking off over something
its true that we sometimes have to remind ourselves that she is only 3, little more than a baby, although she is 3 going on 13 at times!!